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The "Enterprise" Drinking Game

The rules are simple: when you see the event happening on screen, take the suggested number of drinks from your glass. Alcohol not required, for those whose age, local laws, beliefs, or budgets are prohibitive. Suggestions are welcome and will be credited.

One drink

We see Porthos

Hoshi translates something

A Vulcan (other than T'Pol) acts like a snot

Archer makes a happy speech

Happy speech goes over badly

Trip makes some reference to a stereotypically Southern item (pecan pie, catfish, mosquitoes, swamps, etc.)

Archer is watching a water polo game

Movie Night

Admiral Forrest calls

Someone mentions Chef

Malcolm smirks before firing a weapon

Sparks fly around the bridge

Guest star has been on Trek before (aka "Recycled Trek Actor")

Phlox uses an animal to treat a crewmember

Trip gets shot: one drink plus make notes for screencaps

Muting the theme song before it starts

Dinner is a recognizable dish or food item (pasta, broccoli, bread, orange juice, etc.) without being mentioned in dialogue

T'Pol has tea

Malcolm has tea

Trip has coffee

Archer has coffee

Anyone has beer

Phlox mentions some new facet of Denobulan culture

Silik calls Archer "Jon" in that "Kiss me you fool!" voice

Alien Chick of the Week hits on Archer

Someone gets the tar beaten out of him/her on a away mission

We see senior officers playing poker

Trip mentions "purging the impulse manifolds"

Archer swears

Archer is beaten up by an equal foe (emily reich)

Trip swears (emily reich)

Phlox does the creepy smile (emily reich)

Trip begs Archer to go on an away mission or leave the ship (emily reich)

Malcolm or Trip are injured (emily reich)

Archer blabs on about "why we're out there" (emily reich)

Shuttlepod One is damaged or causes trouble for one or more persons inside (emily reich)

Future Guy mentions Archer, Enterprise, Federation, Starfleet, etc. (emily reich)

Archer furrows his brow (payndz201)

Archer whines (payndz201)

Gratuitous TOS namedrop (payndz201)

Malcolm tries too hard to convince everyone he's not actually gay (payndz201)

Malcolm has clearly visible lipstick (payndz201)

A PG-rated swear word is used (payndz201)

Phlox chuckles to himself for no good reason (payndz201)

T'Pol sits in an awkward position (payndz201)

Stock footage of a shuttlepod leaving the ship (payndz201)

Porthos shown looking at Archer with puppy dog eyes (Noname Given)

Archer makes reference to Porthos and cheese in the same sentence (Noname Given)

Episode has a one-word title (ThankQ)

Episode has a two-word title, one of which is "The" (ThankQ)

Trip says "I was a perfect gentleman!" (bandybones)

Phlox eats (bandybones)

Iced tea is being served in the Captain's Mess (Jen Raasch)

Archer gets kidnapped: one small sip (Colonel Worf)

Trip says "Cap'n" (Mullach)

Phlox makes that humming noise to end a sentence (Mullach)

Somebody talks with their mouth full (while eating dinner -- get your mind out of the gutter) (Mullach)

People with good bods in decon (wombat61)

Blatant foreshadowing for future continuity (rainwoman)

Malcolm shoots and hits his target (Sandy)

Travis meets Alien of the Week who is visiting Enterprise (Sandy)

Archer is wounded and doesn't feel it: one small sip (aprylrae)

Anyone says "Xindi": sip

We see one or more MACOs: sip

T'Pol has a reasonably good idea that Archer shoots down (The CURSOR)

T'Pol has a reasonably stupid idea that Trip shoots down

Malcolm has a perfectly sound objection to Archer's stupid risky idea, and Archer shoots him down

They come up with a plan involving a lot of technobabble: one drink, then smack the person next to you and say "Why didn't you think of that?" (The CURSOR)

Archer talks about how important his mission is: the first person to scream "Amen, Scott!" doesn't have to take a drink (The CURSOR)

Daniels shows up and acts all cryptic but insists Archer does what he says, without explanation

Archer tells Daniels to suck plasma exhaust and then does what Daniels wants him to do anyway

We see other Terran-crewed but non-Starfleet vessels (cargo ships, merchants, scientists, etc.)

We see Soval

Action takes place in a cave (Raoul the Red Shirt)

Trip puts his hands on his hips (LLAP2U)

Phlox is feeding something in his menagerie (LLAP2U)

In the Mirror Universe, any Vulcan (other than Spock) has a beard (Emperor Phlox)

Two drinks

Phlox uses some disgusting extract or excretion to treat a crewmember: two drinks and some Alka-Seltzer

Hoshi spews alien gabble

Archer mentions his father

Trip mentions an old girlfriend

Alien Chick of the Week hits on Trip

We see anyone in "civvies"

We see anyone in alien latex and "native garb"

Sparks fly around Engineering

Phlox needs to use the MRI tube to examine someone

T'Pol looks up something in the Vulcan database

The episode is directed by a former Trek actor

We see anyone in their underwear in decon

Trip has clearly visible lipstick

Archer has clearly visible lipstick

Phlox's lipstick is so visible it looks like he's just had a grape popsicle

Any of the boys break out the Desert Gear

T'Pol wears the white catsuit

The first line of the theme song escapes before you can hit the mute button

Chef makes Chicken Marsala

Trip has a line worthy of quoting at least three times the next day

Phlox mentions some new facet of Denobulan culture and it doesn't involve sex or marriage

Credits feature John Shiban, Chris Black, Sussman & Strong, and/or David Livingston

Someone gets the tar beaten out of him/her on a away mission and shows up next week without a scar, limp, bruise, or scratch

Hoshi's hair comes undone in the heat of battle

Archer is beaten up by a more powerful foe (emily reich)

We learn how a crewmember lost a family member (besides Trip's sister) (emily reich)

Any OTHER Denobulan does the creepy smile (emily reich)

A non-main character from Enterprise has a line (besides Rostov) (emily reich) (We'll miss you, Liz -- evay)

Malcolm AND Trip are injured (emily reich)

Sexual tension/chemistry is supposedly there but really isn't (emily reich)

A scene is reused from another episode (emily reich)

T'Pol saves the day/is the only one left on board to save the day (emily reich)

Enterprise wins a battle that they shouldn't (time flies by REALLY quickly, enemy is no longer much stronger, a "miracle" rescue, Enterprise mysteriously got better weapons and shields that die down MUCH more slowly once they're almost gone, etc.) (emily reich)

Gratuitous TNG namedrop (payndz201)

Archer assumes that aliens should give him stuff for no monetary compensation, just because (payndz201)

Travis falls from a great height and hurts himself (payndz201)

A teaser fails to tease (payndz201)

A shuttlepod crashes (payndz201)

A never-before-seen room of the NX-01 (not including corridors) is revealed (payndz201)

A Vulcan ringship appears (payndz201)

Travis shows up in Sickbay either injured or sick (Noname Given)

Hull polarization at 80% or lower (Noname Given)

Archer GIVES Porthos cheese after he tells Porthos 'No more cheese for you' or something similar (Noname Given)

Anyone other than Trip says "I was a perfect gentleman!" (bandybones)

T'Pol eats with her hands (bandybones)

T'Pol and Hoshi "bond" (Jen Raasch)

Phlox inflicts pain on his patients (Jen Raasch)

Trip plays the harmonica (Jen Raasch)

Archer "foreshadows" the Prime Directive (Jen Raasch)

Anyone sets foot in Shuttlepod One (Mullach)

T'Pol gives someone the Vulcan Nerve Pinch™ (Mullach)

Travis gives his creepy smile (his smile is scarier than Phlox's) (Kira's Mom)

Trip and Mal get into trouble (tripsyatlady)

People with embarrassingly typical bods in decon (you know, like you or me) (wombat61)

Direct reference to something which happened in a previous episode (rainwoman)

We see an alien that's never seen outside ENT (rainwoman)

Alien Himbo of the Week hits on Hoshi (rainwoman)

Trip shows an interest in other species' sexual/mating habits (christine bacro)

The transporter is mentioned, but not actually used (christine bacro)

Malcolm shoots and hits more than one target in the same scene (Sandy)

Travis goes on an away mission (Sandy)

We see the Xindi council

Malcolm and the MACOs have a tactical disagreement

Someone other than Trip mentions "purging the impulse manifolds"

The MACOs are deployed but get their butts kicked

Travis gets a line

Anyone mentions Trip's insomnia

Archer threatens Alien of the Week with nastiness if information on the Xindi is not forthcoming

Hoshi swears

Malcolm does the "Reed Walk" (the stiff-armed crouching fast gliding creep while armed)

We see Andorians

Someone breaks out Andorian ale (with or without Andorians to drink it)

Degra shows up

We see the Xindi played by Tucker Smallwood: one drink and one shot because the actor's name is Tucker

"Twilight" shows up in the "Previously on Enterprise" reel: two drinks plus a toast to the memories of Captain "Slice that ship into neat little pieces" Tucker and Captain "Love the beard!" Reed

Anyone protests "I had no choice!" to justify a morally questionable action

Alien Chick of the Week has sexy changes of clothes even though she's in a deserted place or a prisoner (Sandy)

T'Pol does a Maxim shot: two drinks to dull the pain. Hers and ours. (Sandy)

Either Trip, Archer, Malcolm, or Travis does a Playgirl/Cosmo shot: two drinks (want to be sober to savor the view) (Sandy)

Ship hides behind conveniently placed planet/asteroid/moon/comet/debris field etc.(dhla)

A scene with Porthos makes us cry: two drinks and a tissue (aprylrae)

Someone mentions "phase pistols" (logicgurl)

Shran says "Pinkskin" (The CURSOR)

Shran mocks Vulcans (The CURSOR)

Malcolm makes a tactical suggestion and Archer agrees with him

Anyone says "trellium-D": two drinks and scream "T'Pol needs her fix!" (The CURSOR)

Malcolm hits more targets than Archer or Trip or whomever happens to be shooting with him in any particular scene (Rosmirafedele)

Something complicated involving a lot of technobabble happens to someone: two drinks and say "Man, I hate it when that happens." (mr w)

A Vulcan acts pleasant and reasonable, they way they do on the other series

Archer tells Daniels to suck plasma exhaust and doesn't do what Daniels wants him to do

Gratuitous Trek movie namedrop

Preview doesn't give away the entire damn episode

We see Klingons

We get to Earth

We see other Starfleet vessels

Guest star is an actor from any Stargate franchise

Jeffrey Combs shows up as yet another character in completely different heavy makeup/latex

Vaughn Armstrong shows up as yet another character in completely different heavy makeup/latex

Archer beats up a genetically engineered foe who should be strong enough to turn him into hassenpfeffer (wombat61)

Malcolm uses a typically British expression or interjection (Rosmirafedele)

An extra dies (Raoul the Red Shirt)

Something catches fire in Engineering (Noname Given)

Something explodes on the Bridge (Noname Given)

A Tactical Alert is issued (LLAP2U)

An alien shakes hands with Archer without any prior indication from the humans that it's a greeting (LLAP2U)

Three drinks

We see anyone in their underwear out of decon

The episode is directed by an ENT actor

One crew member applies decon gel to another

Alien Chick of the Week hits on Malcolm

We see anyone in the shower

Porthos gets off the ship

Anyone talks about a family member (other than Archer and his father)

Hoshi breaks out the Desert Gear

Someone other than Chef is visibly cooking in the Galley

Phlox is in surgical garb

Malcolm has a line worth quoting the next day

We see junior officers playing poker

We see a family member of any crew member

Archer is beaten up by a weaker foe (emily reich)

Archer DOESN'T take T'Pol on an away mission (emily reich)

Trip hits on [insert favorite crewmember here](emily reich)

Someone uses Shuttlepod Two (emily reich)

T'Pol (or someone else who has no reason to know) mentions Trip's harmonica (emily reich)

The length of time between the climax and the ending is more than five minutes (minus the commercials) (emily reich)

Hoshi lets her hair down (payndz201)

A shuttlepod that crashed in the previous episode is back in use without a scratch on it (payndz201)

Trip doesn't eat (or there is no reference to him and food) (bandybones)

Malcolm checks somebody out (Mullach)

We see a guest alien return (rainwoman)

Someone actually uses the transporter (christine bacro)

Malcolm shoots and hits several targets in the whole ep: three drinks and a "You rock, baby!" (Sandy)

Travis goes on an away mission and meets Alien of the Week (Sandy)

Alien Chick of the Week has sexy clothes changes even though she came on board with no luggage! (Sandy)

The MACOs are deployed but get their butts kicked and Malcolm shows them up

Archer carries out nastiness on Alien of the Week when information on the Xindi is not forthcoming

Malcolm swears

Travis swears

MACO dies onscreen in the line of battle (RIP Major Hayes)

Hoshi translates XindiBug clicking within one scene

Enterprise crewmember plays snugglebunnies with a MACO

Degra shows up with two or more Degradations (his crew)

Travis is seen flying something other than Enterprise

We see a Xindi Aquatic

T'Pol has a reasonably good idea and Archer agrees with her

We see Orions

We see Nausicaans

We see Klingons who come off as scary and serious enemies, not chest-beating testosterone-poisoned morons: three drinks and shout "Qa'pla!" in your best gruff bass

We get to the planet Vulcan

We see the NX-02 Columbia

Any Starfleet crew member gets a promotion, on or off screen

Aliens have to go through decon

Guest star was a main character on any other Trek series (if guest star is not playing that character -- then it's four drinks and swear a lot)

A Vulcan proverb is spouted (LLAP2U)

Shran and Soval appear in the same episode (Ragua)

We meet Mrs. Phlox #1 or #3 (Ragua)

We see Starfleet headquarters in San Franciso (exterior or interior)

Four drinks

Alien Chick of the Week hits on Hoshi

The episode switches from film to tape (so far it's only happened once, in "Desert Crossing")

Porthos has beer: four drinks and call the SPCA on Archer

Archer has a line worth quoting the next day

Hoshi has a line you can remember the next day

One of the boys suddenly reveals he wears a toupée in the heat of battle

Someone applies decon gel to Porthos

Phlox swears

Travis gets more than one line in the same conversation (emily reich)

Teaser actually teases (emily reich)

Someone shows off a talent (singing, dancing, playing an instrument, etc.) (emily reich)

They use both shuttlepods at once (emily reich)

T'Pol DOESN'T save the day or is the one being rescued (emily reich)

24th-century alien race appears but doesn't give their name (payndz201)

24th-century technology is demonstrated (payndz201)

Gratuitous DS9 namedrop (payndz201)

Malcolm tries to commit suicide...again (Jen Raasch)

Porthos eats (bandybones)

Alien Himbo of the Week hits on one of the boys (rainwoman)

Any of the Starfleet bridge crew does not appear in the episode at all, even in a non-speaking flyby: four drinks per missing crewmember (Sandy)

Travis on ship or on away mission and meets alien(s) (gender optional or neutral) who hits on him: four drinks and a wink! (Sandy)

Non-regular (including Rostov or a MACO) swears

We see a Xindi Aquatic outside the tank

Phlox and T'Pol are both affected by the same ailment/contamination/germ/natural phenomenon which makes the rest of the crew ill/in danger of dying: at least a couple of glasses of some strong stuff (Rosmirafedele)

We see an Orion dancing girl actually dancing: four drinks and a woohoo!

Anyone mentions Romulans

Tucker family reunion (onscreen)

Someone does a mind meld (LLAP2U)

We see Zephram Cochrane

CHUG

Trip runs around the ship in his underwear: CHUG

Your mute button is broken so you have to sit through the theme song: CHUG, plus cotton for your ears

Porthos applies decon gel to someone else: CHUG, plus call Letterman and get that dog booked!

T'Pol swears: CHUG

An away mission goes well: the whole six pack(emily reich)

An away mission goes well AND has no negative side effects whatsoever: drink everything you've got, plus head back to the store (emily reich)

Nothing bad happens for the first 30 minutes of the episode: drink everything in the whole damn fridge ('cause ya might not see this one again...) (emily reich)

Gratuitous TAS namedrop: everything in the house, including the Listerine (payndz201)

Someone 'pitches a tent' (in any sense of the phrase): six-pack (payndz201)

Anyone onscreen drinks an alcoholic beverage: drink the same amount (payndz201)

An episode has the screenplay credit 'by Rick Berman & Brannon Braga': Chug beforehand to dull the pain (payndz201 and rainwoman)

Travis dies: Irish wake (Jen Raasch)

Archer says "Make it so": the whole damn bottle of Goldschlager! (Jen Raasch)

If the (normally hidden) Suliban cell ship is used by our heroes: drink till the shock wears off (Mullach)

Trip goes on an away mission in Shuttlepod One...and nothing happens to either one of them: the whole bottle of that bourbon (tripsyatlady)

Trip in his underwear: I'll drink to that with whatever! (always happy to agree with evay) (tripsyatlady)

Women, men, and dogs in the decon chamber together, all rubbing stuff on each other: empty the glass and start over (wombat61)

We see Mal putting on lipstick: CHUG (rainwoman)

Archer gets lucky: CHUG (Sandy)

The plot makes sense or is true to the Trek legacy: glug (James Ascher)

Travis gets lucky: CHUG. The GOOD stuff. (Sandy)

Any combination of Trip, Archer, Travis or Malcolm giving us a Playgirl/Cosmo shot: CHUG! And CPR. And its very own expanded recap and web site. (Sandy)

We see the use of the forcefields on Enterprise again: drink everything you've got including faucet water (logicgurl)

Tucker family reunion (onscreen) with Tommy Lee Jones as Charles Tucker Jr.: CHUG

Chef is played by Isaac Hayes: CHUG and sing the South Park song of your choice

Mirror Universe episode: CHUG and do the salute

Put the glass down; you've had enough for tonight

Phlox does a Playgirl/Cosmo shot: Quick, find me the Clorox so I can bleach my eyeballs!

Season ends with an Evil Gargoyle Alien Nazi showing up in the last thirty seconds and peering into the camera: scream "WHAT THE F--K?!?" and throw the glass at the TV (but try not to break the screen)

You find yourself singing along with the theme song

We see an Orion dancing girl actually dancing and you get up to dance with her