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Personal Quiz: Mirror Universe Archer

Mirror ENT


Lineage ID? Archer out of Grash, 3R

Current name? Jonathan David Archer

Aliases? Jack the Knife

Rank? I'm the Captain now.

Current primary enemy? Admiral Black can give me Defiant, or I'll take it over his corpse.

Current secondary enemy? Forrest's cronies who survived, especially the Vulcans

Number of years you've survived? 45

Number of battles won? At least fifty or sixty

Pets? Porthos! My buddy my pal my bodyguard. I've had dogs all my life. Mostly pit bulls and Rotties.

Height? 2m

Eye color? green

Hair color? Brown, going gray

Piercings? Yes, and I think Sato's going to come to enjoy it.

Tattoos? I've been thinking about getting Defiant tattooed on my arm. She is my first command, after all.

Scars? A few on my leg, when I had a run-in with a harpoon.

Any major body parts missing or supplemented with a prosthetic? Nope, all factory-issue.

How much do you love the Empire? Audentes fortuna juvat

Current ship? Defiant.

How many people did you have remove to get there? However many were necessary.

Next ship? What "next" ship? Defiant is mine!


Very tight pants or miniskirts? Miniskirt

Leather, Kevlar, or armor? None. I'll take anything anyone wants to dish out.

Whisky or ale? Ale

Rare wines and exotic delicacies captured from passing vessels in the name of the Empire, or haunch of targ with rotgut from the still in Engineering? I deserve tribute from any enemy I conquer.

Coffee or Jolt? Jolt

Food or sex? Both

Do you enjoy devising your own interrogations or do you savor watching someone else do the tough extractions? Reed is pretty good at getting people to tell me what I want to know. Besides, he enjoys it so much I'd hate to take the fun out of it for him.

Knife blade: serrated, hook, or poisoned? Serrated. Does more damage coming out, and if by some chance the person survives, I've left a nice scar to remember me by.

Gold or silver? Gold

Bridges or tunnels? Tunnels lead to secrets, and secrets are power.

Growl, shout, or hiss? Shout! How can you intimidate a man who can still hear himself think? The only thing he should be hearing is my voice!

Coliseum or torture chamber? Reed certainly did a damn good job with that agony booth.

Vulcans: mostly useful minions or servants who are too intelligent for their own good? They're generally useful. Once in a while one will get too big for her britches. Of course, those britches are cut pretty low and tight, so that's not difficult.

Ion storms: Cool or scary? Cool. Steering my ship through the heart of an ion storm without systems going down or being torn apart counts as a conquest to me.

Vlad the Impaler or Niccoló Machiavelli? Machiavelli. Sometimes you need to remove threats. Sometimes you only need to have them fear you more.

Lucrezia Borgia or Countess Bathory? The Borgias were brilliant.

Colonel Green or Khan? Khan

Sauron or Voldemort? Sauron commanded vast armies of the ugliest, nastiest soldiers in Middle-Earth. There was a power who knew how to get things done.

Beatles or Stones? Stones! Porthos likes to howl along to "Under My Thumb."

Daggers or swords? Dagger

Mac, PC, or Unix? {mutter grumble} bluescreen of death {grumble}


Pizza topping? raw garlic

Dessert? pistachios

Energy weapon? Defiant's phasers

Training film? "Unconquered Alien Species." That was the first time I'd heard of the Tholians.

Monitoring device? I had an extensive video network on Enterprise. I'll have to have Tucker rig something up here.

Method of keeping your underlings in line? I like to get right up in people's faces to show them who's boss.

Place to be kissed? the happy trail

Imperial holiday? Third Dynasty Day. The Blue Devils would put on a show every year by our crèche.

Book? Zephram Cochrane's autobiography

James Bond villain? The Viper from "SkyDome"

Quote? "A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon." -- Napoleon

Word or phrase? I'm really relishing hearing "aye, Captain."

Website? All-Terra Collegiate Water Polo Deathmatch Association

Least favorite thing? Being thwarted in my plans for advancement


How many weapons do you carry on your person, approximately? three

How old were you when you committed your first assassination? 25, but it got me into Forrest's good graces.

How many times has someone attempted to assassinate you? Four or five. The only really memorable one was the harpoon incident. I was fortunate that Tucker was around to help me out. Sato and her little knife hardly count.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Within shooting range of the Emperor.

What do you look for in a partner? Someone who listens. I can't plan in a vacuum.

What did you want to be when you grew up? Emperor. Doesn't everybody?

What characteristics do you despise? Obstructionism

How do you express anger? Right hook

Would you rather die or become a bureaucrat? Bureaucracy is for slaves.

What was your most satisfying revenge? Watching Enterprise explode, because it meant Forrest was out of my way and nothing could stop me from taking Defiant.

Last person you went to dinner with? Pleasure or business? Culminated in sex or death? Sato. Bit of both. Sex. I've done that with edamame, but I didn't know you could do also do it with tsukemono.

Last crony whom you rewarded for a nasty job well-done? Reed

Ever been a "Captain's Woman" or "Captain's Man"? I am the Captain! I keep the Captain's Woman!


Had the drink Calypso Breeze? I'll have Sato make me one tonight.

Any superstitions? Superstitions are for the weak-minded.

First thing you think of when you wake up? I'm the Captain, and damn it feels good.

What's on your mouse pad? Starfleet logo

What's under your bed? It's Porthos's territory. I don't go under there.

How many people did you have to bribe to get into Imperial service? Over a dozen

What Academy subject is completely useless? Etiquette

What was the last book you read? I haven't had time to read books for a few years, but I scanned Forrest's personal logs regularly.

Can you touch your nose with your tongue? no

Can you roll your tongue? yes

Hobbies? planning how I'd run things if I were Emperor

Should supervillains have capes? A real supervillain wears a military uniform with a snappy hat. The rest of the freaks are just overgrown little boys in tights.

Which single store would you choose to extort tribute from? The Galvesian Munitions Depot

Greatest pet peeve? People who don't listen to my ideas.

Best thing in the world? Settling back into the Big Chair on Defiant and watching my enemies trying to flee their destruction. Run, you cowards!

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? Well, Sato is pretty tasty in that little black lace number, but she isn't particularly safe to be around. Maybe I'll have the Vulcan for a while -- make Sato work to get her position back.

Photo: Paramount