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DVD Commentary: "The Catwalk"

Audio commentary from the crew of Enteprise for the DVD of "The Catwalk," written by Mike Sussman & Phyllis Strong, directed by Mike Vejar.

ARCHER: Hi there, I'm Jonathan Archer of the Starfleet vessel Enterprise. My senior staff and I --

PORTHOS: {whine}

ARCHER: Yes, and you too, Porthos. We're here to share our thoughts with you about the filming of "The Catwalk." Everybody introduce yourselves.

T'POL: I am Subcommander T'Pol, science officer and second in command of Enterprise.

TRIP: Trip here. Chief Engineer.

MALCOLM: Lieutenant Malcolm Reed. Armoury and Tactical Officer.

TRIP: Ah think this counts as "off-duty," Mal; they're not worried about your rank.

MALCOLM: If it's to do with our service on Enterprise, it most certainly is "on-duty."

TRIP: Yeah, but --

MALCOLM: I don't hear your correcting T'Pol about stating her rank.

TRIP: All right, all right, don't get your knickers in a twist, Ah just figured --

ARCHER: Gentlemen --

MALCOLM: Yes sir.

TRIP: Sorry.

HOSHI: Right. I'm Hoshi Sato. I'm the ship's linguist. And receptionist.

{snickers around the room}

TRAVIS: Poor Hosh.

HOSHI: Poor me? Poor you! Ensign Crash-Test Dummy!

{general laughter}

TRAVIS: Yep, that's me, the mime at the helm.

TRIP: The nut behind the wheel.

TRAVIS: Tragedy Mimeweather.

MALCOLM: Shouldn't it be 'Travesty'?

TRAVIS: Sev Trek already has a claim to that joke.

ARCHER: Thank you, Travis Mayweather. Doctor, if you wouldn't mind, so we can get started...?

PHLOX: Hmm? Oh, yes. I'm Doctor Phlox, the ship's chief medical officer and Non-Human Observer.

TRIP: And don't forget Porthos!

ARCHER: Right. This is my beagle Porthos.

PORTHOS: {barks}

ARCHER: The food will be here in a minute, I promise.

TRAVIS: What did we get?

ARCHER: Double-cheese pizza, tossed salad, garlic knots --

HOSHI: I ordered stromboli.

TRIP: And two pints of butter pecan ice cream.

MALCOLM: And another two pints for the rest of us to share.

{laughter}

ARCHER: Okay, okay, let's get started.

{Teaser. "Our scans show it's teeming with all sorts of plant and animal life."}

TRIP: If it's got animals, doesn't that mean it's "inhabited"?

T'POL: We detected no signs of civilization.

TRIP: Maybe the otters paint on cave walls. You can't tell that from orbit.

"How about a little river rafting?"{"How about a little river rafting?"}

ARCHER: We never did get to go.

TRIP: The stunt doubles for that would have broken our budget for the year.

{"We've got an alien vessel approaching. They're hailing us."}

HOSHI: Was it a nuclear wessel?

T'POL: I do not recall any such configuration for their engines.

{"We're very relieved to see you."}

ARCHER: Hey, I know that guy! He was on Quantum Leap once.

TRAVIS: So was Colonel Grat.

HOSHI: That was a nice bit of casting, you have to admit.

TRIP: Ya know, the insides of these shuttlepods are never the same size twice.

MALCOLM: I'll second that.

{music swells}

ARCHER: Quick! Who's got the remote?

T'POL: I have already taken the liberty of engaging the "mute" function.

{general sigh of relief}

PHLOX: I believe the food has arrived.

PORTHOS: {barks}

{episode begins}

{"The vessel was... nearly destroyed."}

ARCHER: We never followed up on that "nearly" or "actually was," did we?

T'POL: Not to my recollection.

{"The storm is saturated with radiolytic isotopes."}

PHLOX: Why couldn't I just say "it's extremely radioactive"?

TRAVIS: The microwave anomaly.

HOSHI: See, it was a nuclear wessel.

{"What about the catwalk? You know, the maintenance shaft running the length of each nacelle."}

TRIP: You know, that part of the ship nobody's ever heard of before now.

MALCOLM: But will become a standard secondary set when we need an Auxiliary Bridge.

ARCHER: And just happens to be large enough to accommodate the whole crew and then a little.

TRIP: All Star Trek ships are larger on the inside than the outside.

MALCOLM: I'm sure that's covered in some very advanced Engineering course.

See how much faster these meetings are when everyone's standing?ARCHER: See how much faster these meetings are when everyone's standing?

TRIP: You're just envious that Kirk and Picard had five more minutes of air time than we do. They had the luxury of sitting down for long briefings.

T'POL: Voyager was also a 41-minute program for the latter half of its run, and Captain Janeway conducted nearly all her senior staff briefings seated in the conference room.

ARCHER: Janeway had clout.

HOSHI: And chairs.

{"Maybe we should open a window."}

TRAVIS: It's bad enough I average four lines an episode. Why do they also have to be stupid ones?

TRIP: At least you aren't contractually obligated to get all the scatological humor.

PHLOX: That is odd.

{TRIP and TRAVIS walk around with flashlights.}

TRAVIS: Scully! Come look at this!

HOSHI: Look at what, Mulder? It's all dark.

TRAVIS: That's because you have your peril-sensitive sunglasses on again.

TRIP: Vejar did a decent job with the lighting, but Dawson's more realistic, Ah think.

ARCHER: I agree.

{"Not much room for a Captain's chair."}

TRIP: Ah'm so glad they finally dropped that joke after this episode.

{"We lost the grav-plating, life support... I'll never forget that look in my father's eyes."}

As Mister Tucker's eyebrows go for the Emmy...MALCOLM: As Mister Tucker's eyebrows go for the Emmy...

TRIP: Can't help it. M'heart's always on m'sleeve.

T'POL: Such an anatomical configuration would be nearly impossible.

{Aliens in decon.}

PHLOX: I still fail to understand this. If the gel actually did anything, why didn't we make them slather it all over themselves? Without clothing?

ARCHER: What purpose does it serve, anyway?

T'POL: Ratings boost.

TRIP: Ah gotta admit, Ah almost miss it.

MALCOLM: You miss decon?

TRIP: It kinda...spread things out a little more democratically, if ya know what Ah mean.

MALCOLM: Good point.

{Extras hurry through the corridors, evacuating the ship.}

TRAVIS: I think those two guys work the buffet table.

HOSHI: Oh, they threw anybody with a pulse in a uniform that week.

ARCHER: Is that why my stylist kept lingering around the set?

TRIP: It sure wasn't to fix your combover.

{general laughter}

ARCHER: I'm not the only guy in the cast with hair issues, Mister Lemon Juice Highlights.

{Phlox pleads for more space for his menagerie.}

ARCHER: This made no sense. On the bridge you said that Sickbay was well-shielded enough to withstand the storm. Why is it that now you have to remove the animals and crowd the catwalk?

PHLOX: We were in there for over a week. I have to feed them, Captain.

PORTHOS: {barks}

{"I'm not accustomed to making emotional appeals."}

MALCOLM {chuckling}: Don't start now. They won't work on a Vulcan anyway.

T'POL: The doctor's request was logical. An emotional appeal was unnecessary.

HOSHI: The Foley people do a great job with all the animal noises. It sounds like he's got a little jungle in there.

{"We're going to have a lot of time to get to know each other."}

MALCOLM: As I recall, they were actually a nice lot.

TRIP: Yeah, that "barbecue" they were making was a damn fine Steak Diane.

TRAVIS: That's right! They brought it over as ante for the poker game.

{"I didn't expect it to be beautiful."}

HOSHI: Are you kidding? We have the best SFX in the industry. Of course it's going to be beautiful.

TRIP: The problem is that it's horizontal.

T'POL: Why is that a problem?

TRIP: It looks like we could fly right over it. They always forget about the Z-axis.

PHLOX: Hmm, yes, I seem to recall they made a similar error in depicting the explosion of the Klingon moon Praxis.

{"We'll be inside the phenomenon..."}

TRIP, MALCOLM, TRAVIS, HOSHI: Doo-doo, doo-doodoo.

ARCHER: Phenomenon.

TRIP, MALCOLM, TRAVIS, HOSHI: Doo-doo-doo-doo.

{general laughter}

{The catwalk command center powers up.}

I can't believe you left all those wires hanging like that.MALCOLM: I can't believe you left all those wires hanging like that. Someone could have put an eye out. That's sloppy work, Mister Tucker.

TRIP: You got an engineering degree. Those wires bothered you so much, why didn't you go on over and fasten 'em up yourself?

PHLOX: They were harmless fiber-optics. You'd have to swallow one in order to hurt yourself on it.

TRAVIS: Ooh, check out me with my auxiliary joystick!

HOSHI: Don't worry. Riker looked just as stupid when he used one.

ARCHER: My chair has a neon undercarriage light! What the hell does it need an undercarriage light for?

TRIP: It pulses when you play music.

ARCHER: I'm from San Francisco, not Brooklyn. Jeez.

{"The entire crew's accounted for, including one quadruped."}

PORTHOS: {barks}

ARCHER: That's right! That's you.

PORTHOS: You really should have gotten me a sling or a carrier or something. I don't have opposable thumbs. The rest of you can hold onto rails.

{MALCOLM prowls as ARCHER speeches.}

ARCHER: Malcolm, what are you looking for in this scene? A still? Bootleg DVDs? Unauthorized beanbag chairs?

MALCOLM: Assassins.

{spluttered laughter}

{The ship encounters "spatial turbulence."}

TRIP: At least we didn't have to "jolt" through this entire bit.

TRAVIS: It would've been impossible to coordinate.

{"Looks like you're almost finished."}

HOSHI: A digital crossword puzzle? Doesn't that take some of the fun out of it?

PHLOX: I was speaking with that young lady between takes. She has a Ph.D. in botany.

TRIP: Maybe she can tell me why my basil plants keep dying.

T'POL: Quite simple, Commander. There is insufficient sunlight reaching the window of your trailer.

HOSHI: The new photonic toothbrush! It whitens, it freshens, it sets off the Bat-signals in your fillings!

MALCOLM: How does one floss that way?

{"Can't you order the storm to calm down a little?"}

TRAVIS: Would you be insulted if I told you I was relieved that someone else got the stupid line for once?

HOSHI: Nah, I can share.

{ARCHER walks down the catwalk, surveying the crew and the makeshift facilities.}

ARCHER: The set dressers went crazy trying to find all that black cloth.

TRIP: Yeah, there was some kinda shortage or something. We almost had to use that silver insulating stuff, didn't we?

PHLOX: Who won the game?

TRAVIS: I won more hands, but Malcolm ended up with the pot.

HOSHI: I'm terrible at poker.

MALCOLM: Lucky for me.

{"You know, I bet by now we'd have set up camp on the rim of that canyon... had a fire going."}

ARCHER: Flirt.

MALCOLM: Environmental hazard.

{"I assume I can depend on doctor-patient confidentiality."}

PHLOX: Of course. I wouldn't dream of sharing your discomfort with several million Trekkies.

As Mister Reed's eyebrows go for the Emmy...TRIP: As Mister Reed's eyebrows go for the Emmy...

MALCOLM: Hush, you.

{"I find the close quarters rather comforting. It reminds me of home."}

T'POL: Doctor, I hope you were not implying that Denobulans do not have adequate facilities for hygiene.

{"Ensign Tanner can relieve you."}

TRAVIS: Thank goodness. Otherwise I would have had to stay on duty indefinitely.

{PORTHOS runs over to greet ARCHER as he lies down, then scampers off.}

ARCHER: Did everybody notice how good Porthos was all week? No barking, no whining, no accidents. You hardly knew he was there.

TRAVIS: They say the same thing about me most episodes.

HOSHI: I don't think they would have let you into Starfleet if you weren't paper-trained, Trav.

MALCOLM: Why didn't the two of you change out of your uniforms if you were going to sleep?

T'POL: The amount of time I require to unhook and later reassemble my corset and support garments made it prohibitive.

{T'POL glares at ARCHER's water polo game.}

TRIP: Subcommander, set "Skunk Eye" to "stun."

T'POL: I was under the impression that Terran skunks are known for their odiferous discharge, not their visual acuity.

{ARCHER looks up mournfully at T'POL's PADD.}

TRIP: See, now, that's more of a "Puppy Dog Eyes" than "Skunk Eye."

T'POL: How appropriate.

PORTHOS: I'll choose not to take that personally, Subcommander.

{"If you forget about the storm outside, this is almost like going on a camping trip."}

TRIP: Except we're in a ship hurtling through space; there's no trees, grass, or rocks; you can't feel the wind in your face; there's no dirt under our feet --

ARCHER: Okay, okay, point taken.

{"I once participated in the kahs-wan ritual."}

ARCHER: Animated series namedrop! Drink!

{"I'm not skilled at 'fraternizing.' "}

PHLOX: Nonsense. You were attached to the Vulcan diplomatic contingent on Earth for years.

ARCHER: Damn, I should have called you over for this argument.

{"Oh, what I wouldn't give for a shower right about now."}

TRIP: You an' everybody else, Felix.

T'POL: Some of us more than others.

{"You're lucky we've got a toilet."}

MALCOLM: That clause in your contract is still in full force, I see.

Hey, is that a herringbone necklace you're wearing?TRAVIS: Hey, is that a herringbone necklace you're wearing?

MALCOLM: Oh, damn, I didn't know the camera picked that up.

HOSHI: Notice Chef's whites look spotless even after three days.

ARCHER: I begged them to cast Isaac Hayes.

TRAVIS: I begged them not to. Otherwise I'd be dying painfully every week.

{"We're having Movie Night? In here?"}

TRIP: You are having way too much fun chewing the scenery, Mal.

MALCOLM: It wasn't as dry as the pot roast.

{"Archer to Tucker."}

HOSHI: Hear that? The Foley guys actually added the sound of the zipper opening.

PHLOX: Which we can only do because this show is set in a pre-Roddenberry universe, yes?

{Command center.}

HOSHI: Aren't those blue lights from the decon set?

TRAVIS: This was the decon set, redressed. Or just plain ol' dressed.

{"Do you have any idea what the odds are of that happening?"}

ARCHER: Did you?

T'POL: I can calculate them if you would like.

ARCHER: No, no, I was just curious.

{"Remember, the suit will protect you for only 22 minutes."}

TRIP: After that Ah usually start askin' for anti-gravs.

ARCHER: They are ridiculously heavy.

TRIP: Do you know Hallmark finally did an ornament of me, an' Ah'm wearin' that damn suit?

ARCHER: No!

MALCOLM: That's a bloody shame.

HOSHI: Hey, did you guys get the Art Asylum Away Team Figures? I can't get the air hoses on mine to stay in the backpack. I don't know what to do.

TRIP: Pressurize the credenza and pipe in an atmosphere.

{TRIP climbs down the ladder into the ship.}

PHLOX: What is that clanking?

T'POL: It is a sound effect intended to heighten the drama.

PHLOX: I stayed in a guest house outside of Philadelphia once -- several hundred years old -- and the heating system made similar sounds when it came online. I actually found it oddly soothing.

ARCHER: Quit shining the light into the camera, Trip!

TRIP: Sorry. They should've caught that in the dailies.

PHLOX: The diminished lighting is surprisingly effective. Much more so than the clanking.

Ain't nobody here but us Vihaar.{TRIP hides as the aliens tromp around Engineering.}

TRIP: Ain't nobody here but us Vihaar.

MALCOLM: Oh, like anyone is going to get that reference.

TRIP: We got some Voyager fans who watch us too. Ya never know.

{TRIP presses a button which sets off an alarm, distracting the aliens.}

ARCHER: What did you just activate there?

TRIP: After the last time we got boarded, Mal and Ah decided to install a buncha random BS buttons around the ship. That's all they do, make noise and flash lights.

ARCHER: You didn't happen to install one in my Ready Room marked "All Hands Page," did you?

TRIP: Uh...well, now that you mention it...

HOSHI: I told you we weren't getting those announcements.

{Alien plays ARCHER's log.}

MALCOLM: Captain, I distinctly recall recommending that you put some kind of password on those files.

ARCHER: I will, I will, I haven't had the time.

PHLOX: May I suggest "Soylent Green is people"?

{ARCHER yells at fugitive aliens.}

You don't look very comfortable jammed down in that corner there, MalTRIP: You don't look very comfortable jammed down in that corner there, Mal.

MALCOLM: Vejar wanted me framed in both shots, and we couldn't move the prop cloth any farther without ripping it down.

HOSHI: This was actually a good scene for me and Travis, because with everybody crowded around the aliens, we finally got some breathing room.

PHLOX: Hmm, yes, as I recall, I took the opportunity to let my Pyrithian bat out for a flap.

ARCHER: You let her out? To fly around?

PHLOX: You were all busy. She's at least as well paper-trained as Porthos.

TRIP: Danny Goldring did a great job as the bad guy. He's been on Trek a buncha times.

MALCOLM: Usually playing captains and such, yes?

TRIP: Yep. Nausicaan, Hirogen --

MALCOLM: It's that voice. He sounds like he's been smoking cigars, drinking whisky, and gargling with ground glass for twenty years.

{Warp engines come back online.}

TRAVIS {in Gizmo falsetto}: Bright light! Bright light!

{"Forget it, Trip. You've already been exposed."}

ARCHER: Yeah, camera hog. Share a little.

TRIP: Try that line on me next season and Ah'll knock you on your ass.

PHLOX: I find it very convenient that the three EV suits which we managed to bring into the catwalk were the correct sizes for the three officers who were needed for this mission.

TRIP: Four -- Ah had already worn one at that point.

{ARCHER enters the galley.}

PORTHOS: {barks}

ARCHER: Shh! No more cheese.

I was just wondering why all that food was left out on the counter to spoil. PORTHOS: I was just wondering why all that food was left out on the counter to spoil. Chef's not that careless.

{T'POL and MALCOLM find the junction.}

TRIP: See, Ah'm not the only one who accidentally blew out the camera. Those little helmet spots are bright.

{"First, you're going to have to disrupt the antimatter stream."}

MALCOLM: Did you do this from memory or are you looking at a diagram?

TRIP: To get into the Warp 2 program, we had to be able to dictate repairs on just about every part of the engine and support system, without a manual.

MALCOLM: I'm impressed.

TRIP: Ya never know when you'll have to rebuild a warp coil from scratch. But Ah did have the diagram called up in this scene.

{"It's coming from within this vessel."}

PHLOX: Oh, is this like the film where the babysitter is being stalked by the killer who's actually upstairs?

ARCHER: You did not see that on my ship.

PHLOX: No, no, when I was visting Earth last.

{ARCHER fakes all sorts of gasping and straining noises.}

TRAVIS: As Mister Archer's lungs go for the Emmy...

{general laughter}

{"And I'm under orders to use any means necessary to keep my ship from falling into enemy hands!"}

HOSHI: Later known as the Janeway Maneuver.

PHLOX: She did have an inordinate fondness for the Self-Destruct button almost all the way into the third season, didn't she?

{Firefight in the Galley.}

TRIP: You are so lucky Chef's knives didn't get nicked, or he woulda killed you.

HOSHI: Chef took his knives with him into the catwalk. He's no fool.

{Laser turns lettuce into coleslaw.}

TRAVIS: Ouch! Nice effect.

MALCOLM: Ordnance by Ginsu.

{Warp core is disabled.}

TRIP: Game over. Please insert fifty cents to continue.

{Ship careens through the storm.}

ARCHER: Isn't that the same kind of subspace eddy which Tom Paris got caught in once?

TRAVIS: I think that was yellow-orange. That means it's a layer between space and subspace.

HOSHI: I'm sure that's covered in some very advanced piloting course.

{Turbulence. Equipment clatters and falls all over the Galley.}

TRIP: Oh, man, Ah hope you picked up the wok before Chef saw it was on the ground.

ARCHER: Trip, I was trying not to get clobbered by anything. Plus I had the militia shooting at me.

MALCOLM: You were wearing an EV suit. The refrigerator could have fallen on you without doing you injury.

PHLOX: The extras are jolting quite well, I must say.

TRAVIS: Do you notice that even the aliens at the helm get more lines than I do?

{Ship swooshes away from the eddy.}

ARCHER: All together now, for Travis's piloting skills:

ARCHER, TRIP, MALCOLM, PHLOX, HOSHI, PORTHOS: Ooooooh, ahhhhhh, ohhhhhh.

TRAVIS: Thanks, guys.

{"The crew's in relatively good spirits, considering they haven't had a change of uniform in eight days."}

TRIP: And sweated like a buncha pigs until we got the warp engines turned back off.

See? I knew you'd regret not building that shower.MALCOLM: See? I knew you'd regret not building that shower.

{"We have movie night every Tuesday if you're interested."}

HOSHI: And quoits on Thursday.

ARCHER: And water polo Saturday mornings.

MALCOLM: I believe the knitting bee just moved to Monday afternoons.

{"That's everyone."}

ARCHER: Including a very patient quadruped.

PORTHOS: {barks}

ARCHER: Well, I hope you enjoyed our comments on this episode. Our next featured commentary will be on "Singularity."

T'POL: That episode aired in advance of the one we just screened.

TRIP: Your point?

T'POL: Leave my ears out of this.

Photo: StarTrek.com