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Get Me Rewrite: The Script Doctors

BluesiesMalcolm: Trip, can you see into the corner of the ceiling from where you're sitting?
Trip: The far corner?
Malcolm: To your left, that's it, above the wooden casks.
Trip: Okay, what about it?
Malcolm: That's a security camera up there, isn't it?
Trip: Looks to be.
Malcolm: Which would most likely be connected to a law enforcement monitoring station, wouldn't you say?
Trip: Ah might.
Malcolm: The Risan police headquarters, perhaps?
Trip: Sounds 'bout right.
Malcolm: So someone knows we're trussed up down here. Why haven't they come after us?
Trip: Didn't you read the security pamphlet T'Pol gave us before we got in the shuttlepod?
Malcolm: The one which starts "Don't drink the water, don't feed the animals, don't snog the locals, and beware of pickpockets"? I wrote that for her. You don't think a Vulcan would have used the word "snog," do you?
Trip: No, the other one. The insert.
Malcolm: What insert? I didn't get an insert.
Trip: The insert that said Risan police only help tourists if lives are threatened. Otherwise, everything gets referred back to your home ship.
Malcolm: Our... home ship?
Trip: Yep.
Malcolm: So if there's a video feed -- from that camera -- it's going --
Trip: Straight to Enterprise.
Malcolm: Well, at least I'm on the far side of the post. Can't see much of anything facing this way.
Trip: Malcolm?
Malcolm: Yes, Commander?
Trip: Can you see the far corner of the ceiling from where you're sittin'? To your right, above that filin' cabinet?
Malcolm: ...oh dear.
Trip: Smile big, Lieutenant.

The Victor's Secret Summer 2154 catalog, page 47. T-shirt, cr45. Boxer-briefs, cr19. Muscle shirt, cr30. Briefs, cr15 (two for cr25). Available in Starfleet Blue, MACO Gray, Colonial Warrior Khaki, Klingon Black, and Andorian Imperial Guard Screaming Fuschia.

Malcolm: So if you untied my hands, I could untie yours, then I could stand on your shoulders --
Trip: Why do Ah get to be the one doin' all the heavy lifting?
Malcolm: You outweigh me by two stone of muscle mass, that's why. Now, if I could stand on your shoulders, and use that fishing rod --
Trip: Fishin' rod? Where do you see a fishin' rod?
Malcolm: On the wall, under the stuffed... thing. That mounted animal head.
Trip: Huh! Ah thought that was a tripwire for the alarm on the wine.
Malcolm: What the bloody hell are you talking about, alarm on the wine?
Trip: Follow the wire! It goes all the way to the wall, makes a left, goes behind that cabinet, Ah guess it goes to the floor, and then comes up on the side of the wine rack, just there. By the bottle with the yellow cork.
Malcolm: That's not an alarm wire; it's a spider web.
Trip: It's got a metal lead on it.
Malcolm: That's the spider.
Trip: What, an android spider? Ah'm tellin' you, it's an alarm.
Malcolm: Look, 'oo's the security expert 'ere? And if there were an alarm on the wine, why would the tripwire be 'arfway across the room against the woll?
Trip: Fine, Eliza, don't getcher knickers in a twist. What did you wanna do with that so-called fishin' rod?
Malcolm: Feed the hook through the space at the top of the door, down to the latch, lift the bar, unlock the door, and fetch our clothes.
Trip: That'd make me feel more secure, all right.
Malcolm: Fine. Sit up and have a crack at these knots.
Trip: Ah thought you could pick a lock with your eyelashes?
Malcolm: I can. Pity the ropes aren't held together with locks.
Trip: And you were an Eagle Scout, right? Did you fail the badge for knot-tying?
Malcolm: I just thought I'd give you something useful to do to participate in our rescue.
Trip: Oh, you're all heart, Malcolm.

The moral of the story: never, ever piss off your dry cleaner the day before a big formal event.

Malcolm: I can't believe I let you drag me into another fiasco like this. Getting caught out in public with nothing but our delicates on.
Trip: Hey! How was Ah supposed to know they'd mug us! And we're not exactly "out in public" either -- we're in a wine cellar.
Malcolm: That's not what I'm talking about and you know it.
Trip: Oh, yeah? What exactly are you talking about?
Malcolm: Once we get out of here, and believe me, I'll make sure we get out of here, we still have to walk through that pub upstairs.
Trip: Ah'm pretty sure they've closed by now. Nobody's gonna see us.
Malcolm: It's a 24-hour establishment, so we'll be seen, all right. But that's not the point.
Trip {long-suffering sigh}: Okay, Malcolm. What is your point?
Malcolm: We're wearing the exact same thing!
Trip: Yeah, our regulation blues. And they aren't exact. My shirt is sleeveless. What's the problem with it?
Malcolm: "What's the problem with it"?! We'll be out in public in practically the same outfit! Everyone will think I have the same atrocious taste in clothing that you do! It's a fashion disaster. I'll never live this down.
(Kathy Rose)

Trip: "Let's play Cowboys and Indians!" you said. Great idea.
Malcolm: Just be glad they haven't scalped us.
Trip: Yet.
(Robert Mueller)

Trip and Malcolm take Hoshi up on a little game of poker. Little did they know that the former operator of a floating poker game during Starfleet training specialized in "strip" poker.
(Kathy Rose)

Malcolm: You didn't eat that five-bean soup before we left Enterprise, right?
Malcolm (panicky): RIGHT?

Stripped down to his unmentionables, surrounded by potential threats, and tied to a pole in an alien basement, Mal laughed to himself. "I have them right where I want them."
Trip, meanwhile, was glad to be out of trouble for once, and decided to nap while Mal saved the day.

Trip: Right foot, RED.
Malcolm: Trip, I've had enough Twister already! The others have already gone back upstairs. For the love of little green apples, let's just call it a draw and go eat already!
Trip: You giving up then? You sayin' you lose?
Malcolm {sighing}: Fine. Left hand, GREEN.

ClemClem: You know, this totally reminds me of that great Stones concert I went to last year. Have you ever been to a Stones concert? Omigod, Mick Jagger is like totally all over the place like a firecracker even though he's like sixty million years old and his face looks like an old tire. I mean, who would want to kiss that, you know? He's got lips like a lamprey. Steven Tyler doesn't even have lips like that. And Steven Tyler's daughter is hot, too -- she could totally have ended up with Daddy's face and it would have been all 'ew, gross' but instead she's a hot elf chick who gets to make it with Viggo Mortensen. Who is like totally old enough to be her father for real but he's pretty hot too, right? Even without all that 'Strider' stubble and leather and that big sword. I bet he was totally bulked up at the end of filming after swinging that sword around all the time. 'Cause I don't think they used a stunt double for him. I think I read somewhere that he likes to do his own stunts. I bet that makes his agents crazy. Like Samuel Jackson's agents -- they had a clause in his contract when he did Snakes on a Plane that was all 'there will be no snakes within 25 feet of Mister Jackson' 'cause he's this big shot guy, you know?
Trip {thinking}: oh dear god please let me die.

Having learned from his previous efforts, Archer wanted a captive audience for his newest gazelle speech.

Customers at Greedo's Bar and Phlegm Shoppe line up for the evening's specials: whisky shots, a frozen Mickey Finn, and a Pneumonia Booger Daquiri.

Extra #1: Hey, is this is the House open audition?
Connor Trinneer: Uh, yeah.
Extra #1: Cool! What disease are you showing?
Trinneer: Um. Trade secret.
Extra #1: Aw, c'mon, we're both professionals!
Trinneer: No, really, I'd rather not discuss it. Thanks anyway.
Extra #1: That guy on this bench behind us? His specialty is narcolepsy. Drops like a sack of wet cement, right on cue.
Trinneer: I can see that.
Extra #1: Now me, I'm thinking there's no way House would turn down a guy with a case of exploding green pustules. Wanna see?
Trinneer: Well, I --
Extra #1: {SPLOOTCH}
Trinneer: Urg. Yeah. Well. Good luck with that.
Extra #1: I got a trick eyeball too!
Trinneer: Oh, you should probably save that for the actual audition.
Extra #1: Are you sure? I can make it pop completely out of my head and dangle halfway down my cheek. It's so cool.
Trinneer: Nurse! I need a barf bag over here.

Trip: It's bad enough Ah got beat up and Ah'm gonna make evay's damage list again. But why did I have to get chained to the ugliest alien dude ever?
Alien: But I'm female!
Trip: Are you sure?
Alien: And that princess was right -- you are hot.
Trip: oh dear god please let me die.
(Kathy Rose and evay)

First Archer, now this guy. What's with the gazelle stories?

What happens when Trip "kicks it up a notch" during a Mentos-Diet Coke experiment. Clem was standing a little too close when Trip added the engine plasma to the mix.
(Kathy Rose, who wins today's "Hey, Someone Is Reading My Links!" Award)

Yes, it's the new, incredible "Bump-B-Gon" formula! See the before and after pictures! Buy today! And if you call in the next 10 minutes, you'll get this bottle of "Insomni-Gon" absolutely free! Act now!

Clem: Look man, don't sweat it. Convictions here are rare, and I only know one or two guys whose sentence was lethal. Here's the plan: we were just hapless bystanders.
Trip: Ah was a hapless bystander!
Clem: That's the spirit!

Clem: And then Bobbie says to me, she says...
Trip (to self): Stay in your happy place... Happy... Place...

John Billingsley generously alerted his former castmates when he left "Prison Break" so they could take advantage of the opening.

The battle Trip fought to retain his consciousness was one he won by the smallest of margins.
(Jennifer B)

Clem: I'm rather interested in marine biology myself.
Trip: Really...
Clem: Yes! For instance, did you know some species of dolphins can sleep while remaining conscious? Micro-sleep, it's called...
Trip: Lucky bastards.
(Jennifer B)

The wait at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles reaches new levels of frustration.

Clem kept babbling, and he looked like pizza -- is it any wonder that even Trip couldn't focus enough to escape?
(Robert Mueller)

Mirror Archer lounging
Mirror Archer:
Yeoman, fetch me some tea. Helm, find me a nice planet to pillage. And Hoshi, play my theme music.
Mirror T'Pol: Sir, I am not your yeoman.
Mirror Archer: Then you're trespassing on my Bridge, and I'll have you shot.
Mirror T'Pol: Lemon, captain?

Mirror Archer: Captain's Log, Stardate... 1. Yes, 1. The first year of Me. Here I am, aboard Defiant -- that would be my ship -- deciding what our first mission -- scratch that -- what our first conquest will be. I'm torn, actually, between raiding Wrigley's Pleasure Planet for concubines --
Mirror Hoshi: Hey!
Mirror Archer: -- or finding the nearest MACO personnel transport and taking them on to serve as my personal guard. My personal army.
Mirror T'Pol: Concubines consume considerable resources and do not contribute to the maintenance of the vessel.
Mirror Archer: T'Pol, speak in little words. After five or six syllables I get bored listening to you.
Mirror T'Pol: Whores whine. MACOs kill things.
Mirror Archer: Mayweather, find me the I.S.S. Smith & Wesson.
Mirror T'Pol (hissing): You owe me one.
Mirror Hoshi: Fine. I won't kill you. Today.

In the unedited podcast for "In a Mirror, Darkly, Part II," writer Mike Sussman reveals that the little viewer prop at the helm was lent to the show by a fan, Wardrobe ran out of double-stick tape for the actresses' Mirror Universe costumes and had to resort to spray glue, and William Shatner considerately lent Scott Bakula his delivery style and ego for the three weeks of filming the two episodes.

Mirror Archer: I like this Big Chair. I don't slide out of it. Must be the subtle embroidery on the seat cushion.
Mirror T'Pol: Captain Forrest used a lining of thumbtacks to keep from jostling out of position.
Mirror Hoshi: Is that why he kept saying "I wish the Big Chair wasn't such a pain in the ass"?

As shock descended upon the bridge, everyone silently agreed to never again play "pull my finger" with the captain.

Archer's fate was sealed on the third verse of his favorite Irish drinking song, when Hoshi decided she could take no more insanity.

Lazy Man, Hot Chick, Backstabbing Woman, Overeager Yet Maltreated Guy -- oh my God, it really is "Married... With Children" in space!
(Robert Mueller)

It was at this point that T'Pol realised it was not "all a bad dream."

Mirror Hoshi (singing):
There's Tholians on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow
There's Tholians on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jon
Chorus of offscreen MACOs (singing):
Mirror Trekking, across the universe, on the starship De-fi-ant, under Jon Archer!
Mirror Trekking, across the universe, we didn't build this ship ourselves -- we stole from the future!
Mirror T'Pol (singing):
It's life, Jon, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it
It's life, Jon, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain
Mirror Archer (singing):
Heh! Let's frag 'em all!
Shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill
Let's frag 'em all! Shoot to kill, shoot to kill, men!
(Mirror Mayweather was forced to reconsider his fate -- maybe getting lines was overrated.)
(Robert Mueller, who wins today's LOL Award, with apologies to The Firm)

While the captain seemed pleased with the Bridge makeover, T'Pol vowed never again to let Tucker's interior designer friend near the ship.
(Kathy Rose)

Even in the Mirror Universe, all Mayweather gets to do is sit at the helm and keep his mouth shut. Proof that some things never change.

Mirror Archer: I love this ship! ... Everything except this chair ... I keep sliding right out of it...

Mirror Archer: Ahhhhhhhhh! I just LOVE those hot wings at the Orions' Slave Station Hooters. Whew! I need to loosen up my pants a bit. Yeeeep, thaaaaaat's better.
Mirror Sato: Hey! Did you just let out a silent fart?
Mirror T'Pol: It would seem he did, judging by the rank odors of partially digested animal flesh, Romulan Ale and human digestive juices emanating from his vicinity.
Mirror Tucker (to himself): <sigh> "Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right; here I am, stuck in the middle with you..."

Sickbay conferences

In a cut scene from "In The Air Tonight," Archer and Phlox review the results of Trip's charisma donation for the graft attempt.

Trip: Doc, Ah'm tellin' ya, Ah've just had too much pie lately.
Phlox: My scans are suggesting something else is causing your uniforms to be too tight, Commander.
Archer: Trip, I thought we had this discussion.
Trip: Ah did not stick my hands in her pebbles! Sir!
Archer: Then we'd better call the Bridge and see if Travis noticed a new star in the east.
Trip: This is some kind of April Fool's Day joke, isn't it? Didja check with Laundry? Maybe they're usin' hot water instead of cold. You know, everything shrank.
Phlox: I'm afraid the tests are quite clear, Mister Tucker.
Trip: Fine. Get me a line to Starfleet. This time I want a lawyer and Ah'm goin' after that alligator-skinned hussy for all she's got.

Phlox: I'm afraid I have some bad news, Commander. Your mother was apparently correct. You made that face too long, and it is going to stick that way.
Trip: What are you talking about? What way?
Phlox: Irresistibly snickpiddled.
Trip: Snickp-- you're just makin' that up!
Archer: If you go with it, Phlox gets to write a paper and he qualifies for an IME prize.
Trip: Which one, Stupidest Syndrome?
Phlox: Every year the members try to fool the heads of the Exchange by submitting false diagnoses. Anyone who gets one past the Vulcans wins the Snipe Award.
Trip: Oh, all right, take the picture and write your paper. Just don't tell my mama. She'll be really pissed.

With Starfleet clamping down on Enterprise's movie nights, Phlox offered an exciting alternative: Guess That Disease!

Trip: So, doc, what's the diagnosis?
Phlox: Quiet, monkeywrench man! We're watching Serenity!
Trip: Man, Ah really gotta petition 'Fleet to get Movie Night reinstated.

Archer: I'll never get this word!
Phlox: Come now, Captain! This is trivial!
Trip: Doc, maybe havin' us play Hangman in Denobulan is a little unfair.

Phlox: You see, Captain. It's conclusive. I'm very to sorry to say that Commander Tucker will no longer be able to grow children on his belly.
Trip: Ah told you Ah wasn't anywhere near her pebbles.
Archer: So what's this lump on top of his left shoulder?
Phlox: Oh, that would be the second head he's budding.
Trip: The what?!
Phlox: I believe it's Beeblebrox Syndrome. According to the IME database, it's relatively common in engineers with substantial exposure to improbablity drives.
Archer: Isn't that what the Xyrillians were using on their ship?
Phlox: The Commander did say he spent all his time with Ah'Len working on their engines.
Trip: The what?!
Archer: Is it going to look like the first head?
Phlox: Possibly. Or it could be an expression of some other recessive traits in his genome. It depends on how much his DNA has mutated
Trip: THE WHAT?!

Phlox: And this is a picture of the mating rituals of an unusual species I met on --
Archer: uuuuhhhhgggg... I thought you meant to come and see your FAMILY photos.
Trip: What's that? Ah think Malcolm's calling me to the Bridge.

Trip: So Doc, what's your diagnosis?
Phlox: Not to worry, Commander, you're not a Wraith, and you never have been.
Archer: Then why does this say--
Phlox: NOT a Wraith.

Phlox: So, what do you think, Captain?
Archer: Well, how do I put this...I can't give you the prize.
Phlox: Oh, please. Have you seen the other entries?
Archer: I'll admit that this is pretty impressive.
Phlox: So?
Archer: Well, first off, you already cloned Trip once. So this is kind of derivative.
Phlox: Well, yes, but...
Archer: And you're too old for the Children's Science Fair.
Phlox: Oh well. Maybe next year.
Archer: You'll still be too old then.
Phlox: You haven't read the Season 5 scripts, have you?
(Moral: There's a bright side to everything.)
(Robert Mueller)

Archer: This photo looks a bit like him.
Trip: It's my photograph, Cap'n!
Phlox: Of course, of course.
Archer: So you insist on being...Charles Tucker the Third?
(When Captain Archer gets back for April Fool's pranks, he pays with interest.)
(Robert Mueller)

Phlox: Now that you're sitting comfortably, we need you to strip.
Trip: What?
Phlox: It is standard Terran examination procedure, correct?
Trip: Um...
Phlox: Wonderful! I'll see you in an hour, then.
Trip: An hour! What are you gonna be doin' in the meantime?
Archer: Um, you know. Consulting.
Trip: Then why are you going over camera angles?
Phlox: For quality control purposes only, I assure you, Commander.

Phlox: I was recently browsing some Stargate boards and found the following information and pictures, Captain. I thought you would be interested in them.
Archer: Trip got a job on Stargate: Atlantis?
Trip: Now wait just a minute . . .
Archer: They won't let me on Battlestar Galatica, Stargate SG-1 was filled, it was just too late for Serenity, and now you're telling me they got Trip the job instead of me?
Trip: Well, you know, Ah did die in that last "holodeck" episode of the series . . .
Archer: All right Phlox, you have my permission to test the agony booth.
Trip: What! This isn't a Mirror Universe episode.
Archer: The Enterprise Relaunch by Pocket Books, Trip, look it up.
(Hildwyn of Rohan)

Conference Archer: So, we're agreed?
Gral: {grunt}
Shran: Yes, I suppose that will be acceptable.
Archer: All right. Two large pies, one half anchovy and half mushroom, and the other half chicken and half plain.
Gral: You said there would be extra cheese!
Archer: And I told you, my dog will get to it before we will. He's already caused one interstellar incident that way. No additional cheese, or this dinner is off.
Gral: I demand garlic knots in compensation!
Shran: If the Tellarite gets garlic knots, I insist on ordering a side salad!
Archer: Okay, the hell with both of you. We're getting Chinese food.

Archer: You're telling me that on Andoria, Paper beats Rock and Scissors?
Shran: We have an extremely powerful press.

Gral: I didn't even know your people had drinking songs.
Shran: We have the finest ale in the galaxy! How could we not have drinking songs to go along with it?
Archer: Okay, run it by us, and then we'll all be ready when the server arrives with the pitcher.
Shran: {ahem} "You can search the world for pretty girls
Til your eyes grow weak and dim,
But don't go fishing for a mermaid, son
If you don't know how to swim.
'Cause her hair was green as seaweed
Her skin was blue and pale
I loved that girl with all my heart
I only liked the upper part
I did not like the tail."

Gral: Paaah, you and your "blue-skinned girls"! I have a real drinking song! Much better than yours.
Shran: I doubt it.
Gral: In honor of our gracious host --
Archer: Uh, that's very kind, really, but there's no need --
Gral: "Oh, I thought I heard the old man say,
Leave her Johnny, leave her,
It's a long, hard pull to the next payday,
And it's time for us to leave her,
Leave her Johnny, leave her,
Oh, leave her Johnny, leave her,
Oh the voyage is done and the winds don't blow,
And it's time for us to leave her..."

Archer: Check please!

And Round #576 of the Inter-Planetary Staring Contest begins...NOW!

Archer: Quit talking and start dealing, Shran!
Shran: All right. Deuces and one-antennaed Andorians are wild.
Gral (aside to Archer): I'll bet they are. They're bad enough when they've got two.
Shran: Hey! Leave my antennae out of this!
Archer: What kind of deck of cards is that anyway?
Shran: It's from my planet. Now shut up and put your hands on the table where we can see them, pinkskin.
Gral: (aside to Archer): What's he's doing with those cards?
Archer: I believe it's called the Andorian Shuffle.
Gral: I thought that was a dance.
Shran: Where do you think it got the name from?
(Kathy Rose)

Shran: See, when I put my hand just so, I get a white light. If I touch it here, I get a red light. Now, If you'll join me dancing on the table, I'll show you what this baby can really do!
Archer: I usually don't table-dance before dinner but... just this once.
(VFlick )

Rick Berman: Captain! You're a reasonable man. Please reconsider!
Brannon Braga: We'll do anything! We could even give you Trip's charisma graft!
Archer: Wasn't it your decision to "play it safe" rather than use science fiction to grapple serious issues?
Berman: Well... yes.
Archer: And wasn't it also you two who decided to kill the series off?
Braga: UPN had some input on that.
Archer: "A Night in Sickbay" is yours, I believe?
Braga: It was a fun little romp.
Archer: "These Are the Voyages"?
Berman: A valentine for the fans!
Archer: I rest my case.
Berman: You're not going to leave us like this!
Archer: Why not? You both chose those disguises.
Berman: We couldn't help that part -- after the cancellation debacle and the angry mobs after us, if we hadn't gotten plastic surgery, they would have dismembered us with spoons.
Braga: Yeah, have you ever faced the wrath of thousands of angry Trek fans?
Archer: Well, I did manage to annoy legions of them, thanks to you two.
Berman: Can't you talk to Phox? He listens to you.
Archer: Sorry, gentlemen. He's not in the business of undoing surgical makeovers.
Berman: He fixed Reed after making him look like a Suliban!
Archer: Yes, but we actually want Malcolm around.
Braga: Stop whining, Rick. You don't have to wear this Wookie carpet rag for the rest of your life..
Berman: Well, I couldn't help that you lost that coin toss.
Braga: {grumble}
(Premier Blah)

Gral: If you'd like to introduce yourself...
Shran: Hi, my name is Shran, and I have a problem.
Gral: Hello, Shran. Thank you for coming. Would you like to share your problem with us?
Shran: I can't get him out of my head... I switch on every Friday, expecting to mute the title song... even now, I see the pinkskin there.
(Following the cancellation of "Enterprise," Archerites Anonymous has had a steady influx of new members.)
(Robert Mueller)

Shran (singing): "Billie Jean is not my lover, ooh... she's just a girl who thinks that I am the one..."
Archer: Tasteless.
Gral: Off-key.
Archer: Points for presentation, though.
(Robert Mueller)

Shran: And then Sean Bean starts pushing stuff around on the table -- it's a big touchscreen, you see -- and it just lights up the entire room like this...
Gral: Best. Movie. Review. Ever.
Archer: Yeah, but I don't think Trip or Travis should watch.
Shran: Trip or who?
Archer: The guy who sits in the front of the Bridge and never says anything.
Shran: That's one of your crew? I thought he was just a prop.
Gral: Oh, forget about him. When is it playing?
Archer: Computer, look up showtimes for The Island.
(Robert Mueller)

Archer (singing): "You're at your best when when the goin' gets rough, you've been put to the test, but it's never enough..."
Shran (singing): "You've got the touch! You've got the power!"
Gral: How many actual Stan Bush fans are there? And what are the odds of being stuck in a room with both of them?
(Robert Mueller)

SCI-FI Executive #1: I am sorry, but due to copyright laws, we cannot put Captain Archer in "Battlestar Galactica" as the new CAG.
Archer: You have Xena signed on!
Exec #2: She isn't on as Xena. She's playing someone else.
Archer: Okay, so I hear some Farscape guys got onto "Stargate: SG-1"...
Exec #1: {slams head on table}
(Hildwyn, who wins today's LOL Award)

Shran: A plasma injector.
Gral: Ha!
Archer: Try again.
Shran: Okay, two injectors, and 200 litres of deuterium.
Archer: You're wasting our time.
Shran: Come on! I'll even throw in a bottle of Andorian ale!
Gral: No deal!
Shran: Fine...a swimming pool, a regulation water polo ball, and nets.
Gral: What?! What kind of fools do you take us --
Archer: Hush! Let the man speak!

Archer: I know you guys can do this. Trip got a role on "Stargate," so why can't I...
SCI-FI Executive #1: Well, he got killed off in the finale, so he's free to do that.
Archer: We got cancelled. We're all free.
Exec #2: And it may or may not be a recurring role, anyway.
Archer: ...which is OK.
Exec #1: Look, just forget it. Wouldn't you prefer to get involved in that rumored "Quantum Leap" revival? Maybe go back to the theatre?
Archer: They didn't need me for that "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" remake, so I'm not holding my breath.
Exec #2: So? At least you're avoiding typecasting.
Archer: I bet you didn't blow off T'Pol like this.
Exec #1: She was willing to wear that little metal badge thingy on her forehead.

Archer: This is the final agreement. The delegates will march, in alphabetical order by planet of origin, into the Federation Council chamber for the opening ceremonies.
Shran: Well, well, well. That would appear to mean that my people go first! Who would have guessed that Andoria begins with the first letter of the human alphabet?
Gral: Shut up, Shran.
Archer: I should be the one telling him to shut up. After all, he insisted my planet be recognized as "Terra," not "Earth."
Shran: That's because everybody calls their planet "Earth" in their own language. Don't you pinkskins have any training in interstellar linguistics?
Archer: I cut class that day. I think I had pool-water poisoning.
Gral: Please, spare us the details of your misspent youth. The important thing is, you'll come after my people, the Tellarites!
Archer: Well, at least the Vulcans will be last.
Shran: I'm warning you -- if Soval makes some crack about "saving the best for last," I won't be responsible for my actions.
(Kathy Rose)

In an attempt to pass the time more quickly, Archer devised the game of "try to make someone's head explode using your mind." It hasn't worked yet, but he's gotten some off his victims to turn blue.
(taynaron, who wins today's LMAO Award)

Shran: So... tired... Meeting... getting... nowhere...
Archer: We're all well aware of just how long this meeting has taken. Just look at the bags under Gral's eyes!
Gral: Not to mention I was clean-shaven when this meeting started.

The Script Doctors part 1

The Script Doctors part 2

The Script Doctors part 3

The Script Doctors, Classic Trek

The Script Doctors, Voyager

Every Picture Tells A Story

The Script Doctors, Battlestar Galactica 2K

Photo: Paramount, Paramount via Star Trek 2006 Day-to-Day Calendar, TrekCore