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Get Me Rewrite: Every Picture Tells a Story

"Archer, Get Your Goat," by xeyes


Trip: ...But Cap'n, what's wrong with the replicated stuff? Ah can't tell the difference.
Archer: You haven't had it on crackers, Trip. You only eat it in grilled cheese sandwiches.
Trip: One of mankind's greatest inventions.
Archer: I can't argue with that. But some of us are more choosy. You'll eat anything.
Trip: Yeah, but some of us don't get explosive indigestion from half the stuff we eat.
Archer: Hey! That's not fair. Some stomachs are... delicate.
Trip: And some stomachs are really spoiled. He eats better than we do.
Archer: Well, he didn't sign up for this, but he's here anyway, and I owe him. Anyway, as Captain, it's my responsibility to take care of my crew, and take care of them I will.
Trip: What are you going to tell Chef? "Chef, here are some goats. You have to take care of them so Ah can have fresh cheese for Porthos." He's gonna love that.
Archer: He saw what happened last time I fed Porthos replicated cheese. He'll understand.
Trip (low): If he doesn't poison your food first...
Archer: What?
Trip: Nothin', Cap'n.

RobeTrip: Tucker reporting to the bridge, Cap'n. What's so urgent?
T'Pol: {raises one eyebrow} Mr. Tucker, although your promptness is appreciated, a few more minutes' delay for appropriate attire would have been acceptable.
Trip: Ah...uh...wasn't in my quarters, so it woulda been more than a few minutes.
Everybody: {stares}
Trip: Don't go gettin' any ideas. Ah was in Cargo Bay Two.
Malcolm (sotto voce): Oh, like telling us that really helps.
Trip: Ah heard that, Mal. Ah was with the goats.
Malcolm: {crosses arms and leans back in chair -- this is going to be good}
Trip (sighs): Ah woke up a few hours ago and realized that they were running around loose in there without a pen, and that there was gonna be a huge mess unless Ah built them one. And that Chef was gonna kill me if he stepped in any...
Archer: We get the picture, Trip. Good idea.
Trip: Thank you, sir. {makes face at Malcolm}
Archer: So, have you built the pen yet?
Trip: That's what Ah was going to do after Ah changed into something more appropriate.
Malcolm: Such as...
Trip: My EV suit. When Ah got to Cargo Bay Two, Ah realized Ah'd miscalculated the...
T'Pol: Productivity of the animals?
Trip: That, and the smell.
Archer: Ahem. Well, Mr. Tucker, get to it. Take two HazMat crewmen with you.
Trip: Cap'n, why did you call me to the bridge anyway?
Archer: Well, Zobral contacted us to see if we liked the goats, and to offer us more if they pleased us. Given what you've just told us, I'm going to refuse the offer.
Everybody: Thank you, sir.


Trip: Dammit. Shoulda known that the Cap'n's brilliant idea wouldn't work...they never do... and now we're stuck with a buncha goats, and Porthos's cheese problem is a lot worse.







Archer: Eurgh. T'Pol, you have the bridge. I'll be right back.
Trip: Cap'n, are you OK?
Archer: I will be in a minute. I'm really second-guessing the whole goat thing. {runs to ready room}
Trip: Yeah, we all are. First Porthos, now him...
Malcolm: Something will have to be done, Trip.
T'Pol: Indeed, Commander. Not only is Chef's goat cheese causing severe digestive problems for the Captain and his dog, but the animals' smell is more than my nasal inhibitors can handle.
Trip: Well, Mal, Ah guess you get to put your mutiny plan into action.
Malcolm: {rubs hands together gleefully} I've been waiting for this.
T'Pol: It might be more prudent to instead find a way to dispose of the animals.
Malcolm (deflating): Damn. You're right, Sub-commander.
T'Pol: Lieutenant, I leave the project in your capable hands.
Trip: Let me know if you need anything. We've all got a stake in this.
Malcolm: All right, but it won't be nearly as much fun as the alternative.


Travis: ...You know, the Captain's never going to believe us.
Trip: Whaddya mean?
Travis: How exactly are we going to explain how his goats ended up at the bottom of a pit?
Malcolm: That's a good question, actually.
Trip: And since it was your idea, you get to go get them back.
Malcolm: Hey, Travis, you found the problem, you get them back.
Travis: This is because you both outrank me, right?
Trip: Well, that, and it gets you three more minutes of screen time.
Travis: Three more? I could make this take up the whole episode.
Malcolm: Don't push it.




Trip: Mal, they're goats, not elephants. Isn't that overkill?
Malcolm: Trip, when it comes to weaponry, there's no such thing.
Trip: Anyway, can't we just give 'em to these nice desert miners? They're used to the heat.
T'Pol: Commander, we are trying to win these people's trust, not drive them screaming to the hills.
Trip: Good point.
Malcolm: And Sub-commander, you should also know this will eliminate the smell once and for all.
T'Pol: Proceed, Lieutenant.
Trip: Well, Ah'm not gonna be the one hosin' down the walls of Cargo Bay Two once you're done.



Phlox: Phlox to Tucker.
Trip: Tucker here. What's up, Doc?
Phlox: Don't make me hurt you, Commander.
Trip: Sorry, Doc. Whatcha need? Ah've got T'Pol on the line too.
Phlox: I think that the goat problem may be moot after all. I have reason to believe that the Captain may have finally realized that feeding Porthos cheese isn't such a good idea. So there's no need for you to go to any effort to dispose of them.
Trip: Um...well, it's a little late for that, Doc. Malcolm already blasted 'em to smithereens in Cargo Bay 2.
T'Pol: ...Commander? Where did you say the goats were?
Cargo Bay 2. But they're all over the walls by now.
T'Pol: In that case, I believe that we will be hearing from the Captain very soon.
Phlox: Is there a problem, Sub-commander?
T'Pol: I am speaking to you from the transporter area. One-point-five minutes ago, I used the pad to transport the Captain as part of our deception of the Triannons.
Trip: Yeah? So?
I had to transport him to...
...Cargo Bay Two. Oh dear.
Oh, no. The Cap'n's going to be...
Phlox: Interesting. I didn't know that humans would go to the trouble of typing out a scream.
T'Pol: He didn't. Our transcription program is very good.
Phlox: Indeed.
Trip: Well, at least the damn goats are gone. And Mal got to blow something up.
Phlox: From the sound of things, that's not all that blew up.
T'Pol: I believe it would be appropriate to say that we got his goat.
Phlox: Don't make me hurt you, Sub-commander.

"In The Air Tonight," by xeyes

TripTECHTrip: Chief Engineer's log, um...whenever this is. Yet another away mission has gone horribly wrong, and Ah'm stuck on this rock with an alien who makes Ah'Len look like a Neutrogena model. Fortunately, due to my enormous supply of charisma, Ah've managed to not only repair Shuttlepod One using winning smiles, puppy-dog eyes, artful sweat, and this USB SuperDrive, but Ah didn't get killed by Eczema Boy. Or knocked up. Feelin' good. Oh yeah, Ah'm too sexy for my shirt... too sexy for my shirt... so sexy, it hurts... ba dum, ba dum, ba dum dum...
T'Pol (over MacGyvered transceiver): Commander? Commander Tucker? Please respond.
Trip (singing): "Hey, if you like my body, and you think Ah'm sexy, come on, sugar, let me dumpa, dumpa, dumpa..."
T'Pol: {closes comm link} Captain, is rescuing the Commander absolutely essential?
Archer: I'm afraid so. Phlox needs him for an experiment.
Malcolm: If I may ask, sir, what sort of experiment?
Archer: Charisma graft. The sample from Viggo Mortensen didn't keep, and Phlox thinks that Trip should be able to spare some of his. If this works, Travis gets more lines, and we might have a marketing miracle on our hands.
T'Pol: Will it shut the Commander up?
Archer: Well, he'll be in Sickbay for a while, as Phlox hasn't figured out just what parts need to be removed. Tell you what, T'Pol, we can put that geeky headband from "Marauders" back on him to prolong his embarrassment. That should do the trick.
T'Pol: That would be acceptable. {opens comm link} Commander, prepare for transport to Sickbay.
Trip: Sickbay? Ah'm feeling fine... well, a little thirsty, but Ah'm okay.
Travis (sotto voce): Not if I have anything to say about it.
Malcolm: ...which doesn't seem likely.
Hoshi: Ouch.

Shran's the ManShran: You're telling me...
Pinkskin: I'm sorry, Mr. Shran, but the records are quite clear. There's nothing I can do.
Shran: That's not possible. We're much more advanced than the pinkskins, but they've patented the charisma-graft technique before us?
Pinkskin: Well, they had Viggo Mortensen first, and now they're working with Commander Tucker.
Shran: Damn. I forgot about that. We're stuck, aren't we?
Pinkskin: Sure looks that way. But I'm sure that we can swing a few free samples...
Shran: Shut up.



I'm a little tied up at the momentArcher: Phlox, are you sure this is really necessary?
Phlox: It won't last long, Captain. Testing is a vital part of the research process.
Archer: But are the ropes? And the Pyrithian bat...ugh.
Phlox: Sorry about that. She became...unusually excited. It appears the charisma material works across species.
Archer: The quartermaster's going to kill me. Well, let's get this over with.
Phlox: To answer your earlier question, the ropes are needed to control your physical reactions during the testing.
Archer: How come? Wait...I'm not the one receiving the graft, am I?
Phlox: Of course not, Captain. I couldn't take the risk. It's bad enough having Commander Tucker out of commission. I can't have both of you in Sickbay at the same time.
Archer: Well...hang if I'm not the one getting the graft, why am I locked up and tied up in Decon?
Phlox: Captain, may I introduce Mr. Barclay? He received the graft. I'm assuming that as long as he doesn't start turning into a spider again, the FDA will okay the project.
Phlox: {exiting Decon and locking the door} Did you get that, Sub-commander?
T'Pol: Yes, Doctor. The transcription program is consistently excellent.
Trip: That'll teach him to make me talk to aliens in my bathrobe.
T'Pol: Commander, your personal revenge has nothing to do with this.
Trip: T'Pol, Ah'm having a moment here. Don't ruin it. {All three look through the Decon viewscreen.}
Phlox: Fascinating. I didn't know that was possible.
Trip: Hey, at least we know that the stuff works.
T'Pol: Most certainly.

Archer and Mal with canisterMalcolm: Captain, this is it. The ultimate "Enterprise" collectible. They're rolling off of the assembly lines as we speak.
Archer: Excellent, Malcolm. It's a lucky break that Phlox was able to create an aerosol version of the charisma... it's a lot easier to sell this way.
Malcolm: Especially since surgery isn't required.
Archer: The bottle is...unusual. Looks like an environmental filter or something.
Malcolm: The marketers at Paramount insisted on something which would "harmonize" with the DVD packaging.
Archer: Let me costs a fortune, too.
Malcolm: According to the marketers, people will pay a pretty penny for "Eau de Tucker."
Archer: And that's the best name they could come up with?
Malcolm: I'm afraid so, sir. The runner-up was "Essence of the Male."
Archer: Well, I guess spitting stuff out of your mouth at high velocity does count as aerosol, in a way...




Malcolm scanning open panelArcher: Lieutenant, how much longer is this going to take?
Malcolm: I've got all of my people on it, Captain, and most of Mr. Tucker's. Doctor Phlox is on his way. Don't worry, sir, we'll find it as soon as possible.
Phlox: Captain, Lieutenant. How did this happen?
Archer: Doctor, as you remember, the packaging for "Eau de Tucker" is very realistic.
Phlox: Yes, Captain. It looks just like an environmental systems filter.
Malcolm: Yes, Doctor. Very much so. So much so, it seems, that Mr. Tucker could not tell the difference...
Phlox: Oh, no. He didn't...
Archer: I'm afraid so, Doctor. Malcolm and his people are looking for the unit now, so we can get it out of the ship's main air supply as soon as possible. Still, we're going to have to stop this stuff from spreading, before things get out of hand.
Malcolm: I've locked Trip in his quarters, with the Captain's permission. He was muttering something about somebody named "Xander," a spell, and "they're all out to get me." Seemed the best idea.
Archer: Is he going to be okay?
Malcolm: I hope so. I offered him a cigarette, but he told me he doesn't smoke. Something in his past, it seems. He was very adamant about it.
Phlox: Neither do I. It's very bad for you, Lieutenant.
Malcolm: I don't smoke them, Doctor. They were a souvenir from Risa.
Archer: Phlox, can you come up with an antidote?
Phlox: Captain, it wouldn't hurt to let things...develop for a short while, would it? I'd love to write a paper about this for the IME journal.
Archer: Sorry, Phlox, I can't allow, that. After "Singularity," we can't justify any more "Naked Time" episodes. Anyway, we have to hush this up before the distributors get wind of it.
Malcolm: Actually, sir, this might be the best publicity possible. "As used by the crew of Enterprise" and all that. "If we can't resist it, neither can you."
Phlox: How about, "If you don't smell good, we don't look good"?
Malcolm:'s been done, I think. Anyway, we've got proof that the stuff works.
Archer: Good point, Lieutenant. Let's find that bottle anyway, but Phlox, don't worry about the antidote just yet. You'll have your paper. {walks to comm} Archer to Ensign Sato.
Hoshi: Sato here, sir.
Archer: Hoshi, can you get Liz to fire up the popcorn machine again? I'll bring the ginger ale.

Conversation with Valakian
...and so, we thought that it was just the sort of publicity we needed to kick off "Eau de Tucker."
Marketing Exec: You know, you should really let my people make the calls on these things.
Archer: Of course. Sorry. Still, my doctor and first officer here can testify to the...
T'Pol: Effectiveness of the substance.
Phlox: Absolutely. My colleagues at the IME are very enthusiastic about the prospect of further testing.
Marketing Exec: Are you testing it on animals? We can't have that.
Phlox: No, not at all. Humans only. So far, the Captain, Barclay, and most of the ship apart from Commander Tucker, who is recovering nicely.
Marketing Exec: Tell you what. I'll let your people handle the development of a version of the scent targeted at women.
Archer: But it works on both men and women. Right, Phlox?
Phlox: Correct, Captain.
Marketing Exec: Well, put it in a different container, and it's "Eau de Tucker, for Women."
T'Pol: Highly illogical.
Marketing Exec: But lucrative. I'll let you develop the packaging.
Archer: And I know just the person to head this project...

Trip playing with his widgetTrip: Chief Engineer's log, no idea when. It's been a long week. Ah'm still beat up from being on that rock with Iguana Boy, and...well, let's say that after this past Thursday, Ah'm never touching cologne again. Never. Well, except that now the Cap'n wants me to come up with "female-friendly packaging" for this stuff. You shoulda heard Mal sniggering when Cap'n popped that one on me. And Ah have never seen T'Pol's eyebrow go up that high...that Vulcan sense of humor is damn annoying. Plus, it's kinda weird having some part of you extracted, duplicated, and put into little bottles. Anyway, this prototype is just about ready, and then Ah'm done. Kinda wish Hess would tell me what she finds so damn funny about it. It's just a test tube. Nothin' special. Ah'm an engineer, not a designer. Anyway, she says it's just the thing so Ah will have to take her word for it. At least nobody's figured out where Ah hid that godawful headband yet. One thing's for sure though...somehow, someway, whatever's gonna go wrong with this, it's inevitably gonna be my fault.





But Al...Head Marketing Executive: Ah, Captain, Ensign. Please, have a seat.
Archer: {sits} Thanks for meeting with us.
Travis: {looks around} Um...
Head Marketing Executive: My pleasure. We have received the prototype for the packaging.
Archer: What did you think?
Head Marketing Executive: It's good to go. We're going to make a lot of money from this, Captain.
Archer: What are the prospects for our ratings?
Head Marketing Executive: Well, we can't promise you anything, but things are looking great right now.
Archer: Thank goodness. Let's hope that all of this will be worth it.
Head Marketing Executive: There's just one more bit of testing we want to do.
Archer: Really?
Head Marketing Executive: Yes. This has been tested exclusively on humans, yes?
Archer: As far as I'm aware, yes. And Phlox's bat likes it.
Head Marketing Executive: We'd like to test it on non-humans. Increases the distribution potential.
Archer: Makes sense.
Head Marketing Executive: As it happens, I have a...captive pool of volunteers here. Not much diversity, but at least we'll know if it's a humans-only thing.
Archer: My doctor has a wide range of alien animals in our Sickbay...I can ask him to see what he can do with them.
Head Marketing Executive: Oh no, we can't do "animal testing."
Archer: Um, what about if we managed to accidentally drop a five-liter bottle of the stuff near the air circulation system of the Orion slave processing center on Verex III?
Head Marketing Executive: Sounds good. We'll be in touch.

Phlox sees ArcherArcher: Phlox? Are you all right?
Phlox (frantic): Captain, that testing you've asked me to do...
Archer: Yes, for "Eau de Tucker." How's it going?
Phlox: Depends how you look at it...
Archer: Phlox, what's going on?
Phlox: I can report that the substance is effective on multiple species. Very effective. Very, very effective.
Archer: ...This is good, right?
Phlox: In that we'll be able to sell it to every inhabited planet in the galaxy, yes...
Phlox: Captain, I hope that none of your crew plans on getting anything more than a hangnail any time soon, as Sickbay is in no condition to be used.
Archer: Oh.
Phlox: And I have absolutely no idea what I will find when I can go back in again.
Archer: I'm sorry, Phlox. Perhaps we can pipe in something to stun them?
Phlox: That might just work.
Archer: Great. I'll call Trip.
Phlox: Captain, having Commander Tucker down here might not be the best idea at the moment.
Archer: I'd forgotten. Of course. I'll do it myself.
Phlox: Thank you, Captain. Remember, it's for the ratings.
Archer: Yes, Doctor. Anything for the ratings. Although I'm not sure if this will be enough.
Phlox: {with creepy grin} Optimism, Captain!

"Ev'ry Guy's Crazy 'Bout a Sharp-Dressed Officer," by xeyes

EV Suits

Travis: Sir, we can't run forever.
Malcolm: We can bloody well try, can't we?
Travis: We're going to run out of food and air eventually.
Malcolm: Death would be a preferable fate this.
Travis: People have survived this before. We will too. I'm sure the captain knows what he's doing.
Malcolm: Speak for yourself. You look good in everything.
Travis: Yes. Yes, I do.
Malcolm: And you saw what they did to the Red Sox. We're doomed.
Travis: Remember, Malcolm, we're just doing this "Queer Eye" appearance to boost our ratings.
Malcolm: The ratings...
Travis: Anything for the ratings, right?
Malcolm: You're right. The ratings. Back to the pod, then. We'll manage somehow.
Travis: That's the spirit.

Suliban First Suliban: Well, the humans may not be glad to see the "Queer Eye" guys, but we are. Do you know how hard it is to come up with new biometric costume ideas? And I don't care what they say, but I don't think that fuschia is really our color. Just because it works on their Vulcan doesn't mean all nonhumans can wear it.
Second Suliban: I mean, how can anybody take us seriously when we look like orchids?
Third Suliban: And the color really brings out our blemishes. With skin like this, you have to be careful of these things.
First Suliban: This can't help but be a good thing. Don't you think, guys?
Second Suliban: Oh, yes. Mmm-hmm.
Third Suliban: Absolutely.








Archer in Fur Archer: Captain's Log, who knows when. I'm starting to think that perhaps being on "Queer Eye" might have not been one of my better ideas. This thing's hot. And not in a good way. They made Porthos give up his favorite cushion for some Indian-embroidered silky thing. Said it would liven up the place. He just slides right off of it. No butt traction at all. Somehow, they think that I'm supposed to wear a lot of leather jackets and jeans...don't know where they got that idea. Something about "Ziggy." And I don't know what they've got against my Zephram Cochrane statue. I think it looks heroic on my shelf. T'Pol's catsuits have been replaced with Prada. Actually I can't complain about that -- people are starting to get work done on the Bridge again, and T'Pol's a lot more alert now that she's getting oxygen to her brain regularly. But Hoshi's locked herself in quarters until her hair grows out. And I think Malcolm and Trip went AWOL in Shuttlepod One. They've taken this pretty hard. At least Travis looks good in Armani...but he'd probably look good in anything. Now I have to figure out a way to explain to Admiral Forrest that this is in no way my fault. Or Trip's. That's always his first question now.




Helmet HeadsMalcolm: I told Travis that we were going to die.
Trip: Mal, we're not dead yet. Hang in there. We're gonna make it.
Malcolm: They...were so... mean... {sniffle}
Trip: It's okay. You couldn't have known. Neither of us could.
Malcolm: It's only because we lost our best stuff on Risa. They didn't have the complete picture.
Trip: Ah still miss that suit. 1980s vintage, cost me a fortune. And the shirt.
Malcolm (sotto voce): You're the only one who does.
Trip: For what it's worth, Mal, Ah think you have good taste in your civvies. Maybe a little monochromatic, all those blues and greys, but they go with your eyes.
Malcolm: Thanks. I think.
Trip: Don't mention it.
Malcolm: Believe me, I shan't. As your friend, though, I have to admit, I can't say the same about those shirts of yours. Where do you find those monstrosities, anyway?
Trip: Mal, can Ah borrow your phase pistol for a sec?
Malcolm: That depends. Why?
Trip: You insulted my shirts. You're goin' down.

Reed walk Phlox: Lieutenant, I really don't understand why you're so upset.
Malcolm: First, the Captain invites this set of flaming --
Phlox: Mister Reed --
Malcolm: -- idiots onto a working starship to judge the "fashion fitness" of the bridge crew. Then, they take away all of my nice blue and grey things and put me in...
Phlox: It's all right, Lieutenant. Please put down the phase pistol.
Malcolm: And then, when Trip and I escaped, he called my things "monochromatic." Trip, who has possibly the worst taste in shirts in Starfleet. Then he has the untimigated gall to get offended when I bring up those shirts. I can't take this any more.
Phlox: They didn't do anything to me. Apparently Denobulans have innate good taste.
Malcolm: I think you're the only one who hasn't been completely made over. They even threw out all of my lip gloss.
Phlox: No! They didn't!
Malcolm: They did. Apparently, I'm not a pink type. They say I should wear burgundies instead. Something about being an "autumn." The nerve. The sheer cheek!
Phlox: Absolutely, Lieutenant.
Malcolm: Thank you. I'm obviously a winter. I'm supposed to wear pink.
Phlox: I thought everybody knew that.
Malcolm: I barely escaped the coloring, highlighting, and trim. Oh, the humanity...
Phlox: Perhaps I should get a hypospray.
Malcolm: Doctor, I don't need a sedative. I need to get to the source of this problem and fix it. Look what it's done to this me.
Phlox: Well, you have a point, there, Lieutenant. Let me know if I can help.
Malcolm: No worries, Doctor. I finally get to use my mutiny plan...
Phlox: Ah, Lieutenant? The gentlemen from "Queer Eye" aren't can you mutiny against them?
Malcolm: {looks at Phlox with evil grin}
Phlox: Oh...

Archer: They're gone, Trip. They can't hear us any more.
Trip: Why us? Why abandon us down here?
Archer: Malcolm said that it was because I invited the "Queer Eye" guys here.
Trip: And why me?
Archer: Something about your shirts posing a threat to the crew's health.
Trip: Ah knew Phlox had something to do with this.
Archer: Maybe they'll come back for us. After all, if the ratings weren't going anywhere before, things can only get worse without the two of us.
Trip: Did you see how healthy T'Pol looked in her Prada? And Travis looks good in anything.
Archer: Good point. Maybe not.
Trip: So, what do we do now, Cap'n? Sit around and wait for 'em to come back?
Archer: You know, I'm not sure what's worse...having my crew mutiny, or having to explain all of this to Forrest once it's all sorted out.
Trip (sadly): My shirts...
Archer: Trip, I'm sorry.
Trip: Do you know how long it took me to build up that collection? And they're all gone...
Archer: When we get back, I'll make finding that shirt-stuffed torpedo casing my first priority.
Trip: Thanks, Cap'n. It means a lot. Ah hate khaki.
Archer: I know.

The Script Doctors part 1

The Script Doctors part 2

The Script Doctors part 3

The Script Doctors, Classic Trek

The Script Doctors, Voyager

The Script Doctors, Battlestar Galactica 2K

Photos: Paramount via Star Trek 2004 Day-to-Day Calendar, Paramount via Creation Entertainment, Rittenhouse Archives, Ltd., Entertainment Tonight, Performing Animal Troupe,, Paramount