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Get Me Rewrite: The Script Doctors


PHLOX>> How about that dog food which makes its own gravy?
ARCHER>> I haven't eaten all day. That's starting to sound good.
PHLOX>> I do have this meatball hoagie I didn't finish. I could give him that.
ARCHER>> ooooh with Chef's special sauce...
PHLOX>> Or a nice T-bone steak. May I give him a steak?
ARCHER>> A *steak*? I'm stealing emergency rations from the shuttlepod and my dog is getting STEAK?

MALCOLM>> The duck flies at midnight.
ARCHER>> come on, malcolm, enough with the counter-passwords. it's me!
MALCOLM>> Prove it.
ARCHER>> it was 20 seconds until detonation.
MALCOLM>> That was in the report.
ARCHER>> you wanted the guard to bring you Epsom salts for your feet.
MALCOLM>> Stereotypically British.
ARCHER>> I think we should greet every new species with the open hand of friendship, not polarized hull plating and loaded weapons.
MALCOLM>> Captain, what are your orders?

PORTHOS>> I saw that.

PHLOX>> Don't *you* feed him cheese, Captain?
( MaverickZ3r0)

Trip: I'm not sure, but I think the cap'n left us a secret message.
Phlox: About his dog?
Trip: Nah, about Malcolm. Those Vissians must be coming back, and the last time they were here, all it took was a few bites of cheese and Malcolm and that tall blonde were makin' out in the armory.
(Kathy Rose, who wins today's Clever Referent Award)

ARCHER>>(continued) Or else he'll explode.

COM MODE HB88 -- Only to be used by Captains performing the "Phantom Ninja" stratagem.
COM MODE LOL -- Only to be used for spamming humorous messages to shipmates.
COM MODE WTF -- Only to be used to request confirmation to strange orders given by alien posessed superiors.
COM MODE PCRD -- Only to be used when surrendering the ship.
COM MODE KIRK -- Only to be used while warning attackers that your ship is rigged to blow up.

Phlox: (screaming joyfully) Captain! My God, I feel your presence! Captain! If your spirit is in this room, blink the lights and levitate Porthos!

ARCHER>> (continued) Religious fanatics are very selective about their dining habits.

PHLOX>> I'm the one who told you not to feed him cheese, Captain.
TRIP>>Yeah, and *I* told you not to touch those Xindi bug cases.
ARCHER>>okay that was totally different
T'POL>> It is highly illogical to trust Daniels when he could have averted the disaster we are in. I warned you about him almost a year ago.
ARCHER>>now wait just a minute...

Hoshi: Hey, I know this! It's one of the codes used back in the Eugenics Wars! It means "we're suffering from an outbreak of the plague."
Trip: Are you sure?
Hoshi: ...well, it also was used for "I'm suffering from an outbreak of extreme halitosis," but that was only in the Air Force.
T'Pol: I believe the captain's mother was a member of the Air Force.
Trip: Great. Do we send in morticians or mouthwash?

ARCHER (continued)>>...and by the way, I've got a link to these photos of Trip marking a big "X" on Malcolm's butt. I can't tell where they were when it happened, though...really strange...

TRIP>> I know it was the only bit of continuity in the first two seasons, but really, Cap'n, it just ain't funny any more.
ARCHER>>so you'd say it was...cheesy humor?
TRIP>>That's it. I'm telling the exploding aliens where you're hiding.

COMPUTER>> Unable to complete requested function. Password not valid.
Archer: What?
COMPUTER>> Please abort and retry.
Archer: Come on, you stupid thing, that's just a message! [hits RETURN]
COMPUTER>> Unable to complete requested function. Password not valid. Please insert boot disc A7.
Archer: Boot disc?!? What boot disc? What the... [hits CTRL-ALT-DELETE]
COMPUTER>> Boot disc has not been inserted. Error 52301.1f occured in sector 24. Please call the service line for further information.
Archer: And I thought the Xindi were our arch-enemies!
(Lisa Teleia)

BetsiesMalcolm: Now this 'ere is an example of a mid-century laser rifle. No variance in the beam, red-dot sighting, SLR scope, almost no recoil -- given to police force recruits on some of the more dangerous colony planets, as I recall. Very easy to use.
Trip: So, it's a...point and shoot?
Malcolm:...something like that, yes.
Trip: Cap'n'll like that, then. We need basic weapons for these folks.
Malcolm: Ah, but the Subcommander doesn't think we should be arming the natives, and her expression will sway the captain. Look at the note of disapproval in her eyes.
T'Pol: Before you concern yourself with the note in my eye, Lieutenant, shouldn't you remove the gleam from your own?
(evay, who loves puns)

Dominic Keating: Look at the detail on this gun. It's astonishing.
Connor Trinneer: The props department was running late, so they hired some fans to make the ordnance.
Jolene Blalock: What's powering it?
Trinneer: Glow-in-the-dark stuff scraped off watch hands.
Keating: Isn't that material radioactive?
Trinneer: Well, don't try to smuggle it off the set in your trousers and you won't have to worry about it.

Yuri's Amish Goat Farm and Used Studio Equipment Bazaar adds a new Foreclosed Weapons Tent, which Malcolm is eager to explore. Trip is somewhat less than sanguine about the dilapidated little rifle nicknamed "Alice."

Trip: Malcolm...I'm pretty sure it ain't going to come to life and attack us.
T'Pol: Lieutenant, I have to agree with the Commander.
Malcolm: You never can be too careful...
( MaverickZ3r0)

Malcolm: This should do the trick.
T'Pol: Crude, but yes, I believe they will be effective against the Klingons.
Trip: Too bad they'll know we're here waiting for 'em.
Malcolm: What makes you think that?
Trip: Are you kiddin'? They can probably see T'Pol's outfit from Earth.
(Jenni Bull)

Expert: Ooooohhh. You've brought us a very beautiful example of an early energy weapon. Can you tell us about it?
Mrs. T: It belonged to my great-grandfather, and my grandmother gave it to me. The family story described his using it during the Panaxian Rebellion when he was the special assistant to the Prime Minister.
Mr. T: Whatta crock! Yer granny was as fruity as a nutcake. She told all sorta strange stories! That thang wus filthy when we got it, but I shined it up lickity-split, an' put some modern sights on th' thang. Changed th' grip too.
Expert: My, that is really too bad! I see by the maker's mark -- this Panaxian Death's Head Cobra, just here -- that the weapon is a Mark Alpha-Zed Panax Death Dealer, made by Loothgret Mir, chief gunsmith to the Panaxian Theocracy, just prior to the period of the Rebellion. With all the original parts, this item would have brought three million bars of gold-pressed latinum, minimum, at auction.
Mrs. T: What is its value in this condition?
Expert: It will buy you a flask of second-rate Andorian ale.
Mr. T: Damn!
Mrs. T: How about this red purse?

Malcolm: As you can see, the safety is off.
T'Pol: That is not logical. Why would the captain shoot himself?
Trip: Even he couldn't stand that last animal story he told. He finally went and put himself out of our misery.
(Kathy Rose)

Reed: Wha ---? What's this? Who's been mucking about with my rifle? It's filthy! Sand, oil smears ... it looks like someone's been cracking nuts with the stock! Subcommander?
T'Pol: To accuse me is illogical. As you can see, my landing party uniform is spotless. Commander Tucker, however, is obviously covered in dirt and sweat, and I believe I detect the faint aroma of pecans.
Tucker: Snitch.

Trip: Mal, I'm pretty sure you won't be able to reverse-engineer the lizard laser sighter onto our phase pistols.

Weapons in the pre-Kirk era have two settings: To kill someone, shoot the gun. To stun him -- throw it.

Trip (grumbling to himself): This away mission sucks. Mal has his guns and explosives, T'Pol has her catsuit, and what do I have? A moral dilemma, which the Cap'n ruins for me after two seconds! But then again, it gives me a chance to work on my mutiny plan.
(Jenni Bull)

"Now THIS is a gun! It shoots projectiles for a kilometer and kicks rocks for TWO kilometers!"

Mal: Take a good look, T'Pol. This is what you get shot with if you're taken hostage again!
(Dr. Phlox )

Malcolm: I don't know...are you sure this would be powerful enough to deflate his head?
Trip: C'mon, Malcolm, what does it matter to you as long as you get to shoot him?
Malcolm: Right you are.
Trip: Obviously.

Malcolm: You know, if we were to breed this with one of our phase pistols...
Trip: Forget it.
Malcolm: Oh, come now! Think of this beauty as Marilyn Monroe and our variable-intensity phase pistol as Albert Einstein.
Trip: And the result would have his looks and her brains. Not a chance.
T'Pol: Weapons do not reproduce sexually, Lieutenant.
Malcolm: So the guns on Vulcan all shoot blanks, then?

The Subcommander suddenly realised that Commander Tucker and Lieutenant Reed might have been deadly serious about not wanting to endure any more of the Captain's endless drivelling about water polo ever again.


Malcolm: ooh! Let's play "Return of the King"! I'll be Frodo, and Trip can be Sam!
Travis: Aw, why do I always have to play Sméagol?
Trip: 'Cause you're the only one who can crawl down the crack of Mount Doom there and get that anchor clip Mal just dropped.
Travis: Stupid hobbitses. Can't hold onto their gear very well, can they, precious?

Malcolm: I thought you said these were good seats, Travis.
Travis: They are. The 'nosebleed' seats are in orbit.
Trip: Who's playin'?
Travis: Rangers and Flyers.
Trip: You can see that from here?
Travis: No, my tricorder gets Channel 57.

Anthony Montgomery: Are you sure this set is safe?
Director Robbie McNeill: I hired the same stunt coordinators we used on Voyager for "Blood Fever." You'll be fine.
Dominic Keating: So AT breaks his leg and I'm supposed to bite Connor's cheek, is that it?
Connor Trinneer: He said stunt coordinator, not script coordinator.
Keating: Well, that's a mercy.
Trinneer: Are you insinuating that I'm less than bite-worthy? Dom, I'm hurt.
Keating: Prat. No, back when I did that guest shot on Buffy, the fake blood packs made me absolutely sick. I couldn't eat for two days.
Montgomery: What's Gellar like?
Keating: Lovely girl. Very professional.
McNeill: Cut the chatter up there or I'll bite you.

Trip: I don't see your communicator, Mal. Are you sure you dropped it? You didn't leave it at the bar?
Malcolm: I wouldn't make THAT mistake twice...

Malcolm: This is beyond childish.
Travis: No it isn't.
Trip: What could be more childish than throwing Malcolm's phase pistol down to see when it hits bottom?
Travis: Spitting to see when it hits bottom.
Malcolm: Good God. I am not going down ahead of you two...
(Laughing Muse)

Travis: ECHO...
(cave): echo...echo...echo...echo...
Malcolm: See? He was able to get more than three words in one scene.
Trip: Fine, you win. You get my dessert.

Even the actors of "Star Trek: Enterprise" are looking for decent scripts.

Malcolm: If we leave the captain down there, it means we all move up in rank.
Travis: Yeah, but that means T'Pol's in charge.
Trip: Get hooked up. We're goin' down.
(Kathy Rose)

Malcolm: The last time I saw a hole that big, someone had wandered into a Romulan minefield.

Trip: It doesn't make sense -- how did T'Pol get so good at hide and seek? It's a game. Vulcans don't play games.
Malcolm: The Vulcan High Comand sent her on a training course when they heard Captain Archer was going to command Enterprise.
(Jenni Bull)

Ah think he's tryin' to tell us somethin'.
Reed: What's that, Travis? T'Pol's fallen down the mine shaft, and needs our help?

Trip: Ah dunno, it really worth getting your quarter back from that far?

Trip {exasperated tone}: No one there either.
Travis: Lieutenant, can't we call this off?
Malcolm: No! I'm not giving up until we find someone else apart from Commander Tucker who looks good in this uniform!
(Jenni Bull)
evay (over comm): Hey, you with the cheekbones, have you looked in a mirror lately?
(evay, who thinks all the boys look yummy in the desert gear)

Watch that first step. It's a doozy.

Just then, they realized they had forgotten the most important rule of spelunking: Gaze not into the abyss, for the abyss gazes into you.
(rainwoman, who wins today's Tao of Khan Award)

Trip: Wow, a cave!
Malcolm: Remarkable. It looks almost identical to every other cave we've been in before.
Trip: This is one for the books.
(Jenni Bull)
Travis: I think this one came from the book.
Malcolm: Which book is that?
Trip: The Star Trek Recycling Book. Mandates we try to get at least three episodes outta every set we build.
Malcolm: That explains a lot.
Trip: That explains Lots 9, 12, 13, and 16, actually.

Trip: We come in peace!
{echoed back:} We come in peace!
Trip and Travis: Aaaaaaaarrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhh! RUN!
Malcolm: Idiots.
(Jenni Bull)

Mayweather: That's interesting. This cave is different than every other cave we've ever seen.
Tucker: Whatta you mean?
Mayweather: It's not a "Hollywood" Cave.
Reed and Tucker: ????
Mayweather: A Hollywood Cave has a perfectly flat floor throughout, excellent lighting, and it's generally full of cavemen...
Reed: Like "Terra Nova!"
Mayweather: ...or nice dry firewood...
Tucker: Like "The Shipment!"
Mayweather: ...lost zombies...dinosaurs...Pat Boone...
Reed: Shhhh! No spoilers! That's the fourth season.
(wombat61, who wins today's Wiseass Award)

Trip: Uhh... Travis, you better go on down there and see what that goo is. Me and Mal will hold the lights for you...
(Robert Adkins)

Malcolm: You go first, Travis. Good luck.
Trip: Yeah, break a leg.
Travis: {gulp!}


Archer {singing}: Oh Mandy, well you came and you gave without takin', but I sent you away, oh Mandy, you kissed me and stopped from shakin', and I need you today, oh, Mandy...
(evay, getting the obvious joke out of the way first)

Scott Bakula set the tone on the "Enterprise" set early in the series, leading the cast in a rousing flatulence contest. Dominic Keating turned out to be the surprise winner, and the victory was immortalized in the "Shuttlepod One" script as an in-joke.
(evay, getting the other obvious joke out of the way second)

Archer: 7...8...9...10... ready or not, here I come!
T'Pol {whispering}: And now?
Trip {whispering}: Now he has to search the whole Bridge to find us. If he gives up before he finds anybody, he yells "All ye all ye outs in free" and then he's "it" again.
Malcolm {whispering}: It's "Ollie Ollie Oxen Free," Commander.
Trip {whispering}: Maybe you crazy Brits play with oxen, but if my Daddy'd caught us playin' hide-and-go-seek around the livestock we'd've gotten a whippin'.

Awww... who put that pole right over my chair?

Trip: Great, T'Pol. You bored him to sleep again. You know he can't handle the technobabble.

Archer: Okay. Who fed Porthos cheese?

And this is why you should never allow karaoke to be introduced to the rest of the galaxy.

Oh God. Please, no! Not another B&B script. Where's my aspirin? When are they going to let the professionals have a go at it? This is L.A. There's one under every other palm tree...

When anomalies attack and Archer finally feels what feeding Porthos cheese is really like.
( L'amour pour "Trip")

Fulfilling his crew's worst nightmares, Jonathan Archer finally suffers his much-anticipated nervous breakdown.
Archer: Harvey and I sit in the bars, have a drink or two, play the jukebox. And soon the faces of all the other people run toward mine, and they smile. And they're saying, "We don't know your name, mister, but you're a very nice fellow." Harvey and I warm ourselves in these golden moments.
Phlox: Sir, how did you end up calling him Harvey?
Archer: Well, Harvey's his name!

Archer: Cor blimey, I hope no one notices I'm walking funny.
(anonymous Brit)

Phlox {over comm}: Phlox to Captain Archer.
Archer: Is everything all right, Doctor?
Phlox {over comm}: Your piles cream is ready and waiting, Captain.
(Jenni Bull)

Phlox {over comm}: Phlox to Captain Archer.
Archer: Is everything all right, Doctor?
Phlox {over comm}: I'm afraid I have some bad news, Captain. Your mother was apparently correct. You made that face too long, and it is going to stick that way.

Archer: Boy, that was some TripHammering I got last night!
evay: So that was you swamping the server! I was wondering who kept hitting "Day of the Tripods"...

Don't tell me, let me guess. Trip's been kidnapped again!
(The Watch Stander)

You mean we're in the wrong Expanse?

Archer {after shooting self in foot}: Malcolm warned me about the difference between the kill and stun settings.
(Kathy Rose)

Archer: Damn it Trip, how many times do I have to tell you? You have to wear clothes on the bridge! Can I open my eyes yet, T'Pol?
(Jenni Bull)
T'Pol: I would advise against it. Doctor Phlox is still entirely disrobed.
Archer: Is that why Malcolm was screaming about getting bleach for his corneas?
T'Pol: It is the only logical conclusion.

Archer {singing at the top of his lungs}: I'VE GOT FAITH...
Trip: Oh Lord no!
Archer: OF THE HEART...
Malcom: Captain, please! Subcommander T'Pol just passed out! Vulcans have sensitive hearing -- if you keep going you might kill her!
Trip: In that case -- Encore! Encore!
(Jenni Bull, who wins today's Captain de Sade Award)

Sam Beckett {thinking}: Please don't let me have leaped into who I think I leaped into...damn.

Archer {singing}: I met a gin-soaked barroom queen in Memphis, she tried to take me upstairs for a ride...
Porthos {howling}: arooo rroo owwww arr arr aarrroooooo...
(rainwoman, who remembers Porthos's quiz)

Chef's chili always led to complications hours later...

Oh please, get me some intelligent lines!
(Lisa-Rija )


Trip: Gesundheit, Doctor Phlox.

Trip: Dang, so that's what happens when you give Porthos cheese!

Malcolm: Commander! Are you all right?
Trip: Shh! Ah'm "playin' possum." If Ah lie here long enough, the cap'n will think Ah'm unconscious an' he won't ask me to watch water polo with him tonight.
Malcolm: Scootch over and pass the goop.
Trip: Careful not to get it in your eyes -- it really stings.

When the shouting finally died down and the combatants had been escorted to the brig, Commander Tucker was revealed to be the undisputed loser of the great rubber glue fight.

The crew's musical revue of the highlights of Jim Carrey's career was a smash, especially Trip's rendition of the "rhino birth" scene from "Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls."

I think I need a bigger tissue!

Commander Tucker finally managed to purge the aft manifold. If only he had gotten the polarity right.

When Phlox gave Commander Tucker the Delusian slug as a birthday gift, he warned him not to feed it after midnight. As usual, Commander Tucker didn't listen.

When Captain Archer announced he was going to visit the Xyrillians, Trip secretly went on their ship to install a pool for water polo. Unfortunately, this was the closest they could come to water.

Tucker: Mal?
Reed: What is it, Trip?
Tucker: Remind me never to piss off T'Pol again while in Decon, wouldja?

Gawd, Captain, could you cover your mouth when you sneeze?

Trip: <sigh> Mama said there'd be days like this...

Trip: So that's what that warning light is for.

We need more jello!

"Captain, the local authorities have found Commander Tucker behind Greedo's Bar and Phlegm Shoppe."
"What? Again?"

Trip: Phlox? Are you sure that this will help me sleep?
(Geo Gal)

With no one else around for over 100 light-years, paintball tournaments can get really intense.


Who would have thought it was so hard to make icing?

Trip: Ugh, I've been slimed!
Archer: Trip? Trip! Come in please!
Trip: Ah feel so funky.
Malcolm: Captain! I'm with the Commander! He got slimed!
Archer: That's great, Malcolm! Save some for me! Get down here right away. It just went into a ballroom!
Malcolm:...when did we install a ballroom on a starship?
Trip: It was a birthday gift for Hoshi.

Quick! Let's get out of here before he wakes up and sees it was us who papier-mâchéd him to the floor!
(Jennifer Bull)

Cap'n...Ever wake up an' your tongue feels all coated-like?

Little-known cross-franchise fact: Connor Trinneer played Soldier Who Got Eaten By The Sarlaac in "Return of the Jedi."

T'Pol: Thank you for the...graphic demonstration, Commander. However, I must still decline the offer.
Trip: But you'd be a perfect Columbia!
T'Pol: The entire premise is illogical. If the film is being displayed on-screen, why re-enact it?
Trip: It's called "audience participation." It's fun.
T'Pol: I fail to see how flinging about food items and...toilet tissue...could be classified as "fun." It is wasteful.
Hoshi: Sounds like she'd be a better Janet. I'll play Columbia.
Archer: Dibs on Brad!
Malcolm: I was Riff Raff four years in a row at the Royal Academy.
Trip: Ah guess Ah'm Rocky again.
Trav: Has anyone called Magenta yet?

Lieutenant Reed was optimistic that many of his innovations would still be used by the next generation of human space explorers. He had an odd feeling about the "Slime" setting of the phase pistols, though.

Despite Mr. Trinneer's ever-increasing applications of Elmer's Glue, his efforts to resist the producers' demand for "more shirtless Trip!" proved futile.

...And he fell. The once mighty warrior Charles Tucker The Third could no longer withstand the furious assault from his enemies, for they had fought with tooth and nail, slime and poison, and no Terran could survive the poison of the Renegade Paragaanians. As his last breath left his lips, he could be heard to whisper, "Rosebud..."



Malcolm: You know, Father always said rank had its privileges, but I never knew that one of them was being able to report for duty in a dressing gown.
Trip: You're the security officer -- can't you find out who stole my uniforms?
Malcolm: I have over eighty suspects, Commander. It's going to take me a while to narrow down the list.

Connor Trinneer: Do I really have to do this scene topless? I'm not sure what it adds.
Director Mike Vejar: Trust me, Connor. It's critical to plot flow.
Trinneer: But I still have that rash from where I had to wax my chest for the pilot.
Vejar: It'll get cleaned up in post. We have the best SFX people in the industry. Jolene's only a B-cup, remember?
Trinneer: Okay, but I absolutely refuse to do that damn speech about the baby gazelles.
Vejar: No worries. We've given that to somebody else in a later script.
Dominic Keating: I pity the poor sod who draws that short straw.

When the captain of Starfleet's flagship orders "all senior officers to the bridge immediately," his staff knows he really means immediately.

Trip: Look, T'Pol technically outranks me, and she told me to go take a shower. Ah can't help it if Malcolm called a Tactical Alert while Ah was still dryin' off.

Trip: Would someone like to tell me why I woke up on the bridge this morning?

Trip: What? Isn't this Casual Friday?

Trip: Oh, T'Pol says this robe is all the rage on Vulcan.

Trip {whining}: But he said he wanted t' see me sittin' in the Captain's chair wearin' just --
Malcolm: I think that was a fantasy, not an order, Commander.

Trip: Would you people quit changin' the location of the pajama party? It's awful drafty in here, and Mal's lookin' at me funny.

...And they never angered the Photoshop Gods again.

Trinneer: Look, I know I'm the "eye candy" the show, but why the hell is it every time there's even a hint of a half-naked Trip, there is a definite increase in the number of the set crew ? Huh? I know for a fact those seven gals work down the road on the JAG set.

Trinneer: Do you honestly think Trip would wear this geeky robe? I think he's the kind of guy that sleeps in the buff.
Vejar: {sigh} Connor, we already have a firm hold on the "women 18-35" demographic...

Tucker: Well, Cap'n, you know that nightmare ya have when ya show up for somethin' important, wearing the wrong clothes? Well, ever since we've entered that gigantic spatial inversion thingee -- Ah've been having that nightmare. Ah'm havin' it right now!
Reed: Oh no! Does this mean I'm going to start having the nightmare about being chased by angry dogs around the kitchen, wearing no shoes so my socks keep slipping on the linoleum?
T'Pol: Lieutenant Reed. Even your nightmares are...unusual....

Trip: I didn't have time to get back to my own quarters to change into my uniform. So what's the emergency?

Archer {from off-camera}: Mr. Reed.....ROBE alert!

Trip: Girly? You think this is girly? You should see Malcolm's. It's pink and has feathers around the collar and cuffs.
Mal: Dammit! Mr. Tucker, I asked you not to tell anyone!
(Katy Pace)

Trip: Cap'n, why did you ask me to report to the bridge in my bathrobe?
Archer: Well, Trip, we're about to make first contact with Angel One, and we need your "special skills".
Travis: Wait...this isn't supposed to happen for a few hundred years!
Archer, Malcolm, Hoshi: Shhh...
Trip: Um...Cap'n...whaddya mean, "special skills?"
Archer: Trip, the people of Angel One are governed by women...and, well...
T'Pol: Commander, your...facility with alien females may be of use in this situation.
Trip (looks suspicious): This isn't soundin' good. What exactly am Ah going to have to do?
Archer: Trip, just think of this as your opportunity to improve your first contact batting average.
Trip: {stares at Archer}
Archer: Okay, that may have been a poor choice of words.
Trip: You have GOT to be kiddin' me. Can't Ah at least make myself decent first?
Malcolm: Commander, to be quite blunt, decency would likely be counterproductive in this situation.
Trip: {puts head in hands and groans}
Archer: Trip, don't worry. We're staying on the ship for now, and you'll be a display model only. Hey, you get to do the talking this time. That part is fun, trust me.
Trip: But, Cap'n, if Ah have to do this, why don't you have to too? And Malcolm and Travis? Ah bet the ladies down there would just love to see that tattoo on your --
Archer: Thank you, Commander. T'Pol and I have agreed that it would be best if their attention was...undivided.
Trip (petulantly): But you're the Cap'n...
Archer: And I believe in professional development opportunities for my staff. Trip, take my chair. Hoshi, open a channel to Angel One.
Hoshi: One moment, sir. {opens comm} All hands, this is Sato. First contact with Angel One is about to commence. Liz, get the popcorn machine going, and fire up the screen for Movie Night. This one should be good, ladies. Sato out.
Trip: {sits in The Big Chair, ankle on opposite knee trying to look casual, instead looks stricken}
Archer: Um, might not want to cross your legs like that. Not in that robe.
{uncrosses legs, glares at Archer}
Malcolm: Cheer up, Commander. At least they can't knock you up over a comm link.
Trip: Small mercies, Malcolm. Small mercies.
T'Pol: Ensign Sato, kindly ensure that sufficient popcorn is delivered for both of us.
Hoshi: Already done, Sub-commander.


Archer: Chef swears they taste just like chicken.
Trip: Don't kid me about dinner, Cap'n. You know how serious Ah am about food.

AOTW 1: You see, gentlemen? Just yesterday this was an overgrown jungle, choked with rotting vegetation.
AOTW 2: But one day later, look at what these amazing little ruminants have accomplished!
Trip: ...Yeah, but our ship doesn't have grass.
Archer: True...
AOTW 1: Do you grow fresh vegetables? Fruit?
Archer: Yes, in our hydroponics bay. Why?
AOTW 2: Then there you are! Your plants could be bathed in interstellar radiation and grow completely out of control -- and then where would you be?
Archer: Good point. I'll take the whole herd.
Trip: Wait -- "interstellar radiation"? "The whole herd"? Did you get heatstroke or somethin'?
Archer: I know, I know, but aren't they cute?
Trip: So's Porthos, but he doesn't chew through power couplings.
Archer: Aw, c'mon, Trip, where's your sense of adventure?
Trip: Must've left it in the other shuttlepod. Along with your brain.

Scott Bakula: Are they going to clean up the goat patties before the cameras roll?
Connor Trinneer: I understand one of the janitorial staff has dibs -- he's going to seal them in Lucite and sell them on eBay as "genuine 'Enterprise' props."
Bakula: That'd be "cleaning up," all right.
Trinneer: You should've seen what the leftover snot from "Vox Sola" sold for.

Star Trek actors are known for their generosity and patience with the fans, with autographs and brief personal appearances for Trekkies from all walks of life.

Funny how sheep look the same all over the universe...

Bakula: I don't know. They just don't look "fierce" enough to believable as "deadly killer quadrupeds."

Trip: Cap'n, I don't know how to say this to you, but I'm not too keen about having a goat pen installed behind the core, sir.

Archer and Trip go planetside during just another normal day at Yuri's Amish Goat Farm and Used Studio Equipment Bazaar.

Archer: Trip, I'm thinking fresh meat for dinner tonight. I for one am tired of the freeze dried or "protein resequenced" items that are "passing" for food on Enterprise.
Trip: Hell yeah, what's a cook-out between crewmates? You negotiate, Ah'll get the grill going!

Trip: Hey, Cap'n, what's the sex of this one?
Archer {looking down at animal}: looks like a male. Hey, robed guy, what sex is this one?
(Captain KJ)
AOTW 1 {making skeeved face}:
I'm sorry, sir, on this planet we don't eat that part of the goat.

Archer: I don't give a damn what Dr. Phlox says the medicinal use of this creature is!
Trip: And ya sure won't catch me asking him, neither.

Archer: Is this where 'Essence of the Male' comes from?
Trip: I think I'm gonna be sick.
(Geo Gal)

When Porthos's contract fell through, Paramount execs were forced to look elsewhere for animal talent.

Extra 1 [Southern Baptist fire and brimstone preacher voice]: And the unclean spirits DID try to take hold of the good man Trinneer, but they could NOT, for the CLEANLINESS of his ACTING did SCOURGE them from his flesh! And the sprits DID try to take hold of the good man Bakula, but they could NOT, for they could not COMPREHEND his delivery of even the SIMPLEST of lines! And the spirits DID try to take hold of The Powers That Be, and LO! They did PLACE themselves in the FLESH and MINDS of Berman and Braga, and they did USE these two to SPREAD their EVIL upon the world, in ALL the forms they could, from 'A Night In Sickbay' to whatever T'Pol's wearing in that shot!"
Bakula: I thought Casting was doing background checks on the non-speaking extras. How'd the Get-A-Lifer slip through?
Trinneer: Shh! That's "Rod" Roddenberry.

The Script Doctors part 2

The Script Doctors part 3

The Script Doctors, Classic Trek

The Script Doctors, Voyager

Every Picture Tells A Story

The Script Doctors, Battlestar Galactica 2K

Photos: Paramount via Star Trek 2004 Day-to-Day Calendar, Paramount via Creation Entertainment, Rittenhouse Archives, Ltd., Entertainment Tonight, Performing Animal Troupe