Home Extras Links History Off-Topic Site Map Email

Get Me Rewrite: The Script Doctors

Phlox sees Archer

Archer comes across yet another player in the shipwide Freeze Tag game.

Archer: You've got it, Doctor -- you put your left arm in, you put your left arm out...
Phlox: What a curious game! And that song...oddly infectious...

When Denobulans get drunk, rather than karaoke, they like to play air piano. Here, Dr. Phlox does some Mozart after too many Harvey Wallbangers.

Phlox:...and he's green with yellow stripes, and has four spikes on his back, and he's this big! *snif* Are you sure I shouldn't put up flyers with a photo?
Archer: Doctor, I guarantee that no one will need more than a rough description to spot your runaway Klabnean eel.
Phlox: But they look almost like Aeglian sandworms!
Archer: Is there one of those running loose on the ship too?!
Phlox: Of course not!
Archer: Well, that's a rel--
Phlox: Aeglian sandworms can't run; they don't have legs! But they have been known to slither at upwards of five kph!
Archer: That's it, I'm calling Malcolm.

Archer: Phlox?
Phlox: Captain! Is that you?
Archer: Phlox, what's the matter?
Phlox: I can't see! I'm completely blind!
Archer: My god, that's terrible! How did that happen?
Phlox: T'Pol came in for a checkup and I stumbled over the Dralian toad and landed right on her!
Archer: How could that blind you? Smother you, I could understand, but --
Phlox: I poked out both eyes on her collarbone!
Archer: Dammit! I'm ordering her to wear a standard uniform from now on.

Having made first contact with the Hawkolians, Captain Archer was shocked to discover that Dr. Phlox's "legendary" skateboarding skills were anything but. The ambassador responded with an annoyed five-meter grind and ollied back into the airlock.
(Robert Mueller)

Enterprise LARP Week came to a sudden stop when Phlox invoked his Uncanny Dodge class ability to nullify Lt. Reed's flanking attack bonus. (Regrettably, Captain Archer failed his Diplomacy roll.)
(Robert Mueller)

Archer was not impressed by Phlox's latest Denobulan Interpretive Dance.

Phlox: Which way did he go?
Archer: Who, Doctor?
Phlox: Porthos! The Xindi are after him! I have to shoot the bugs before they suck out Porthos's brains!
Archer: {sigh} My first officer is a drug addict, the pilot's mute, and now the doctor has gone off his rocker. Why me?

Archer: Something wrong, Doctor?
Phlox: Commander Tucker finally talked Chef into having Cajun Night.
Archer: That's wonderful!
Phlox: No, it's not. Chef overdid the spices, and half the crew has come down with the Louisiana Two-Step.
Archer: So why aren't you in sickbay helping them?
Phlox: There's such a line for the...facilities in sickbay that I thought it would be quicker to use the head in my quarters. Now get out of my way or Porthos won't be the only one you're cleaning up after.
(Kathy Rose)

Did you see him?
Archer: See who? Is your bat on the loose again?
Phlox: No, you remember the papers Starfleet took from Dr. Soong?
Archer: Sure! Soong papered the walls with plans how to alter human DNA. ...Don't tell me you used them!
Phlox: Captain, you told me yourself we would have better luck out here if the crew could evade dangers by invisiblity.
Voice of the Invisble Man: So this was your brilliant idea!
Archer: Brilliant idea? Phlox, I never gave the order to experiment on crew.
Phlox: That wasn't me, Captain, and you did actually give the order to clone our chief engineer!
Archer: Right, but we needed Trip! TRIP!
Phlox: All right, all right, Captain! Don't give me that look.
Voice of the Invisble Man: I never should have said anything.
Archer: Who is that?
Phlox: My volunteer.
Voice of the Invisble Man: "Volunteer"? You told me you needed insight into Andorian mating habits.
Archer: Malcolm, is that you?
Malcolm: However, I can still use this to my advantage.
Phlox: Stay where you are! I have to figure out how reverse the effect.
Archer: I think I know where he went...
Phlox: We've got to warn T'Pol!

Phlox: AHH! Captain! It's you! You nearly gave me a heart attack! You really shouldn't take people by surprise like that, you know...
Archer: Doctor, I was just looking for you.
Phlox: For me? Is something the matter?
Archer: Yes... I thought we had an... agreement.
Phlox: Hmmm... Oh, yes, yes, that. Well, Captain, you see... my Pyrithian bat escaped again... and, ah... my animals needed feeding... and... and... and T'Pol's synaptic pathways are awfully scrambled these days and...
Archer: You know, Doctor, I never would have thought you'd let us down like that. Malcolm and I counted on you. After all I did -- I even had to promise Trip that he could play Captain on the next alpha shift to have you on our basketball team!
Phlox: I'm terribly sorry, Captain. Really. It won't happen again.
Archer: All right. I guess medical emergencies do have to take priority over sports. {leaves}
Phlox: Ha! Little does the captain know that the Commander promised me that he'd schedule a whole season of "Dr. Kildaire" on Movie Night if I didn't show up.

Archer realised that showing Jackie Chan films on Movie Night three months running probably wasn't a good idea.

Phlox: Oh, Captain! You startled me!
Archer: What's the rush, Doctor?
Phlox: I'm looking for a place to hide. Commander Tucker found out I got the last piece of pecan pie and said something about using a plasma torch to go in after it.
(Kathy Rose)
Archer: Just remind him about the tapeworm and he'll back off. You know how much he hates bugs.

Phlox: Stand back! I know kung fu.
Archer: {sighing} For the last time, Dr. Phlox, no, you don't.

Phlox {deep in thought}: Now then, it'll take 36 hours for the Lysarian larva to finish its transformation to the host shape. Plus it should have all the original memories. I don't think he'll notice any difference, so I should be able to get out of this pretty cleanly --
Archer: Ah, Dr. Phlox, I'm back.  We finished two days early. How's Porthos?

Phlox: Ha! What do you think of this move, Captain? The Lieutenant has been very pleased with my progress.
Archer: Er, very nice, Doctor. {to himself} Dammit! When I told Malcolm that the senior staff could stand to brush up on their combat skills I forgot to mention that it wasn't necessary to include Phlox!

Phlox: Have you seen my new moves, Captain? Commander Tucker tells me they're the latest craze in Earth night clubs. I think I might try them out nest time we're back in Space Dock.
Archer: Please tell me when you do, Doctor, I'll be sure to join you. With my video camera
(Jenni Bull)

Unfortunately, Phlox chose a high-traffic area to have a sudden hibernation attack. He was later seen being used as a hat rack in sickbay.

Since Starfleet didn't cover for Phlox's animal food, he was forced to take up miming to pay for their meals.

Archer: Doctor?
Phlox: Stay back! Vulcan zombies! Xindi! Hoshi's cooking! CARROTS!!!
Archer: I thought you were supposed to be hibernating. Did someone wake you up early?
Phlox: Your first officer was rifling through my desk drawers looking for the last Trellium samples. Her ribs banging against each other sounded like a flock of cymbals mating.

Phlox: It's only an illusion brought on by our travel through this anamolous area of the Expanse. Captain Archer really isn't there at all.
Archer: {I almost hate to tell him that we're now being directed by M. Night Shyamalan.}
(wombat61, who wins today's Arborvision Award)

Phlox: Whoa! OK, I found the 'Captain' cut-out. Now where did I leave the 'Trip' cut-out? Oh, right of course. Mess hall.

Archer: Feezal's shuttle is docking now, Doctor. This time it seems she's come with her second and third husbands, each of whom has brought their other wives, each of whom...
Phlox: Ah, Captain... I think I'll get the decon chamber ready. It will be a bit of a squeeze, but Denobulans are used to cramped spaces after all...

A weapon known by many, but understood by none, the infamous "Third Season Archer Plan" can cause massive brain damage simply by coming in contact with it. Here we see Phlox rendered blind by being within 20 feet of the epicenter of an Archer Plan just as it's being formulated. Take care to wear proper eye and ear protection, lest this happen to you too!

If I tiptoe by reeeeal quietly, maybe he won't notice me.

But Al...UPN Exec: Mister Bakula, I really appreciate that you took time out of your busy schedule to come down here to, ah, share your opinions with me. But, ah, the network feels our, ah, current promotional activities are sufficient for the time being.
Scott Bakula: But we're ready to go! I've got my Away Team standing by!
UPN Exec: I don't think grabbing random people on Ventura Boulevard and telling them to watch the show is going to increase ratings very much, Scott. May I call you Scott?
Bakula: It's Archer. Captain Archer. And they'll watch if I order them to watch. The future depends on it!
UPN Exec: Is he always like this?
Anthony Montgomery: It got pretty bad in April and May. We just dress up in the uniforms and play along for a few hours, and eventually he snaps out of it.

And Round #574 of the Inter-Planetary Staring Contest begins...NOW!

Archer: Let us go, Grat.
Grat: Not until you tell me what I need to know.
Archer: I can't do that.
Grat: We have ways of making you talk.
Archer: Talk? Sure, I can talk. You know, when I was in my early twenties on a trip to East Africa I saw a gazelle giving birth. It was truly amazing...
Grat: I'll have you know we're specially trained to resist gazelle speeches, Captain. I'm afraid you're out of options.
Archer: We'll see about that! {turns to Travis and holds out his fist. Travis does the same} Wonder Pilot Powers -- activate! {bright flash}
Grat: What the hell was that?
Archer: {grins smugly}
Travis: We've swapped vocal chords.
Grat: Swapped -- no! It can't be!
Travis: Tough break, Colonel. There's nothing in the universe that can give him lines now.

{insert requisite "Quantum Leap" joke here}

Archer knew if he won the Tandarans' ritual combination staring/hot mustard contest, he and Travis could leave in safety. Plus he'd be able to get into Grat's fraternity, Inkydinky Parlay Vu.

Archer: But we're still under warranty.
Customer Service Representative: Yes, it has been less than seven years, but the -- what did you call that mutated space?
Archer: The Delphic Expanse. And the modifications to that region were all fixed. It's normal now.
CSR: Yes, but when you went into it the space was being modified, right?
Archer: Yes...
CSR: By, uh, what did you call them, trans-dimensional beings who were trying to make the space more like their universe so they could live here, right?
Archer: What does that have to do with anything?
CSR: Company policy clearly states that exposure to another universe in any fashion nullifies our warranty. We can't be held responsible for performance if the normal Einsteinian laws of physics don't apply.
Archer: But he couldn't talk for two years before we went into the Expanse! That's got nothing to do with it!
CSR: Sir, I'm terribly sorry we can't help you, but if you were having speech problems with your helmsman, you really should have brought him in earlier.
Archer: What about an upgrade? Or a refurb?
CSR: I'm afraid we don't offer those. Our service department would have to charge you for the repair.
Archer: This is completely unfair. None of the other captains had this kind of trouble! Janeway's pilot wouldn't shut up if you gagged him!
CSR: You're forgetting Morn.
Archer: Not Starfleet. Doesn't count.
CSR: Ayala never spoke either.
Archer: He wasn't a bridge officer. Don't change the subject.
CSR: Well, the best I can give you is an exchange, but you'd have to pay the salary difference.
Archer: Forget it. I'll pick up a replacement set of vocal chords at Surgery Shack.
CSR: If they're not installed by one of our factory-authorized technicians, you'll void any other warranties, explicit or implied, you might still have.
Archer: My chief engineer knows what he's doing. Thanks for nothing. See if I get any more helmsmen from you.
CSR: Have a nice day and thanks for stopping by, sir.

"No, our insurance policy does not cover spatial anomalies. Why do you ask?"
(Robert Mueller)

Clerk: 20/20 for you. Get your shots in the next room and you're all set.
Mayweather: Shouldn't he read that poster on the wall?
Clerk: What was that?
Archer: Ignore him. He'll shut up on his own in a few minutes.
(Robert Mueller)

Psychiatrist: Jonathan, Jonathan. How did he get on your ship, Ensign?
Archer: Hail horrours! Hail, infernal world! Receive thy new possessor!
Mayweather: He said that. We figured only a real Captain could get away with quoting Paradise Lost.
Psychiatrist: Yes, it's very sad. He's a recovering Miltonite. He's obsessed with endangering himself.
Mayweather: Better to reign in Hell, than serve in Heav'n.
Psychiatrist: What was that?
Mayweather: Oh, nothing.
Psychiatrist: I know what I heard, Ensign. You're staying for observation.
Mayweather: But I hate mental hospitals!
Psychiatrist: The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.
Archer and Mayweather: ARGH!
(Robert Mueller)

Archer: friend over there really snores. I'd rather we had separate rooms.
Hotel Desk Clerk: I'm sorry, but all we have left are doubles. But I can throw in a "meet the locals" potluck dinner for free.
(Kathy Rose)

Archer: Look, Al, I know the Tandarans offer you the rank of a colonel and a good pay. But...
Al: And don't forget about my manor on my own moon in the Tandaran system!
Archer: Right, but...
Al: I would enjoy working with you again, Sa... ah... Jon. But a Starfleet salary and 50 acres of land on Vega is not good enough.
Mayweather: What, he gets 50 acres of land too?!! When I joined up...
Archer {glaring at Mayweather}: Travis, we'll discuss this later! {turns back to Al} You don't know what kind of fun you're missing. We recently visited a world full of cowboys, and I was trapped in an alternate timeline were the Nazis took over!
Mayweather: Don't forget to tell him that the Xindi came close to destroying our ship and our planet!
Al: That wouldn't be very good for the real estate prices...
Archer {glaring again}: Travis!
Mayweather: I know, I know, I'll go out and wash the shuttlepod.
Archer: Great idea, Travis! Otherwise I'll have to find a mountain for you, where you'll have another accident!
Mayweather: My leg's been broken so often the doctor replaced the bone with Legos.
Archer: I was thinking more about your neck this time. And don't think a Vulcan with rocket boots is coming for your rescue!
Mayweather: Yeah, I know, that's not going to happen for a hundred years. Although you'd think that anyone inflated to 47 p.s.i. wouldn't be too heavy to get off the ground.
{MAYWEATHER leaves. ARCHER turns back to AL, who's confused.}
Al: Is he always like this?
Archer: No, but he's just the helmsman. I got a hot and infamous Vulcan, a hot and famous engineer, a hot and tight-arsed Brit who's beating up my MACOs, Dr. Phrankenstein, and a screaming communications officer!
Al: You're missing the good old times?
Archer: Yes, we could make you an admiral again, you know!

Poor Travis. No lines, no life, and now not even allowed to sit down.

Having been caught saying "Ferengi" out loud, Ensign Mayweather spent the night at the Canon Police Headquarters. Fortunately, Captain Archer and the Chief Inspector were old friends.
(Robert Mueller)

Archer: You've got this all wrong. We pose no threat to you.
Grat: Ha! You may think I'll fall for this "show" of bumbling ignorance and inane goodwill, but you're wrong! Admit it, you're here to steal our priceless artworks.
Mayweather: Like this weird "thing" over here on the shelf?
Grat: Ah HA!

Trip playing with his widget

Making Pan-Galactic Gargleblasters was painstaking and dangerous work, but for engineers, a party just wasn't a party if someone didn't get Blasted.

Step 4) Use the enclosed tool to insert the new battery into the iPod (see photo).

Ah bet Malcolm's gonna love this birthday present: a Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator!
(evay, who remembers that September 2 is the English Muffin's birthday)

An exclusive behind-the-scenes look at how ENT Libs are assembled, next on UPN News at 10!

Once the new filter was installed, the Mess Hall projector would only be able to show one water polo match every sixty days. The captain would be annoyed, but it was better than the shipwide riots which were becoming standard every time Movie Night was pre-empted.

Trip: There's no reason Chef should be mad at me for borrowing his fancy ice tongs.
Malcolm: Just like you don't get upset when Mister Rostov borrows your spanner?
Trip: {growls}
(Kathy Rose)

The data rod of MC Hammer's "Greatest Hits" does say "Can't Touch This"...
(Robert Mueller)

Instructions? Real engineers don't need instructions -- just duct tape and a bigger hammer.

{muttering}Can't believe Ah have to do this...a toilet paper holder with a blue light incorporated...Ah'm the Chief engineer for cryin' out loud...Ah'm gonna get Cap'n back for this...
(Rosmirafedele, who remembers the scatological humor clause in Trip's contract)

Malcolm: Steady now, Commander. The Subcommander gave me a full report of how toxic this alien compound is, especially if exposed to oxygen...
Trip: Ah, don't worry, Mal. This is simple if Ah concentrate real hard. See! My momma always used to say Ah had a steady hand for this kinda thi{smash}OH SH---

This sure is a lot of setting up just for one game of "Mousetrap."

Trip felt that he just couldn't measure up. Only after intense contemplation did he realize that the problem was just a badly misaligned caliper.
(Robert Mueller)

Trip: Ah have the ooze! Bring the turtles!
Malcolm: If you insist, Commander. But if this works, they'd better get their own bloody nun-chucks.
(Robert Mueller, who wins today's Cross-Franchise award)

Cap'n thought Ah'd get it wrong -- he figur'd Ah'd get myself in some kinda trouble again -- but Ah can do it just fine... now what was it -- 45 degrees to the left... no wait... 70 degrees to the right... awww hell! Ah gotta get this right. Next time Mal gets himself speared to the hull by a mine, Ah'm gonna be the one to get out there and save 'im.

So, all Ah need to do is take these embryos through the storm-struck dinosaur park to the escape boat?

Man, Ah hate Operation. Can't we play Twister instead?

Conversation with ValakianAlien: As I assured your officer, it's completely safe. It will change his life entirely.
Archer: I'm sure, but no matter how much Mister Reed wants it, I can't allow him to purchase growth hormone from you.
Alien: Well, can I interest you in some Vï(a)gråa? or V|ico.d/i\n?

Archer: And you're positive this will work?
Alien Salesman: These extracts will keep your pool sparkling clean and bacteria-free. Completely non-toxic to humanoids.
Archer: They don't dissolve rubber or vinyl, right? Because that's what the balls are made of.
Alien Salesman: Not a problem.
T'Pol: Captain, we do not have a pool on board.
Archer: We will now. I just wanted something to keep it clean without stinking up E Deck with chlorine.
Phlox: There is one small side effect which I uncovered.
Archer: Which is?
Phlox: Your skin will turn green.
Archer: Ah, that's no big deal. It'll bring out my eyes.
Phlox: Deep vivid cucumber green.
Archer: Might be good for a laugh.
Phlox: Permanently.
Archer: Erm.
T'Pol: Where did you say these extracts originate?
Alien Salesman: A planet called Orion. They're very popular with the natives. Why do you ask?

Archer: I have the manhattanite you asked for.
Alien: We greatly appreciate the chance to trade with you, Captain. These are the works of art I spoke of -- outstanding efforts from our most skilled vitrinists. It's truly remarkable what they can do with raw materials worth --
T'Pol: About twenty-four dollars.
Phlox: Sounds like a fair deal to me.
Alien: If you like, one of our ministers has some land you might be interested in as well. Right on the water, quite green and lush. Somewhat south of here.

Alien: Hey, there are only five bottles in this six-pack!
T'Pol: That's because Mr. Tucker was with us in the shuttlepod.
Alien: And there was no cheese on the pizza!
Archer: Erm. My dog was with us too.
Alien: What's a dog?
Phlox: It's a small quadruped. It could fit very easily in that roaster next to your arm.
(Kathy Rose)

Despite the Captain's explicit instructions, his discovered to his dismay that everyone had brought potato salad.

T'Pol: Do you have any Cheerios?
Store manager: No, we only do these Porridge Oats. But they're on sale today!
Archer: Well how about some cheddar cheese? Porthos is running out.
Phlox: Need I remind you, Captain, what happens to Porthos after he eats cheese?

Archer: Wow, T'Pol, I didn't know aliens had file folders like us! Wow!
T'Pol: Thus proving why we thought your species wasn't quite ready for interstellar trade.

T'Pol: You appear to be awfully tense, Captain.
Archer: Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes.
T'Pol: Excuse me, Captain?
Archer: He looks like a bad man.
T'Pol: That's what I thought I heard.
Archer: phew!
(Robert Mueller, who wins today's Non Illegitimi Carborundum Award)

Man: And your total comes to...$12.38.
Archer: Can I have a pack of Bubble-Yums too?

Patent Officer: Our tests have confirmed that this invention is workable and stable. Mr. Charles Tucker III has been granted patent number 986,343,785,942. Is he here right now? We need his signature.
Archer: He's still on our ship. I doubt he'll be sober enough to come down for another week.
Patent Officer: I can understand how a device that makes Macs and PCs compatible with each other is cause for celebration, but aren't you taking this a bit far?
Archer: You don't know about the great Floppy Wars of 2143. A lot of my species was lost during those years.
T'Pol: At long last, peace will be brought to the galaxy.
Patent Officer: We've always been a Unix species ourselves.

Archer: No. No, you can't have my liver.
Alien: But my scanner says that organ grows back in your species.
Archer: No!
Alien: How about a kidney? You have two of those.
Archer: Sounds more like you need a brain.
Alien: No, I'll be negotiating with her for that.

Ah, yes. Tilt head back, stick chest forward, neutral expression. I don't think T'Pol will ever notice that I am mimicking her.

Sir, I realize that you are wearing captain's pajamas and have an entourage of aliens to boot. I'll STILL need to see some photo ID before I can sell you any alcoholic beverages.

Shopkeeper: I have the mimetic simbiot you ordered, Captain. I'll just need to see your Lysarian vendor's license.
Archer: I'm sorry?
Shopkeeper: Your license. Lysarian simbiots can't be purchased without a license since their prime conclave outlawed cloning.
Archer: ...Right. Just a moment. {turns to Phlox, whispering} What the hell is he talking about? Did you go through this before?
Phlox {whispering}: No, sir! The last time I bought from the Orion Syndicate, they didn't say anything about a license.
Shopkeeper: Is there a problem?
Archer: Uh, no, no! Not at all. Just a second! {turns to T'Pol, whispering} Ok, this is your fault. You had to use my engineer for some experiments again. And we can't fix his neural problems and the damage to his chest without the simbiot. Which we can't get. What are going to do now?
T'Pol: Captain after considering all our options, there is only one logical course of action. {T'Pol nervepinches the salesman and takes the simbiot.} Run!
Archer: I can't believe you..
T'Pol: You should be last one lecturing about a theft.
Archer: Look, Earth was at stake...
Phlox: Can we steal those Andorian mudcrabs too? They're an important ingredient in a very potent Denobulan digestion drug.
Archer: NO!
{The three of them run off.}


Malcolm scanning open panelMalcolm takes no chances with his pineapple hoard, considering the number of times Enterprise has been boarded by hostile aliens -- it's double-shielded, triply password-protected, and hidden behind the okra.

Trip: Mal, that's cheating.
Malcolm: The Subcommander, the doctor, and Porthos all have heightened senses of smell. We're the only team without an advantage.
Trip: Somehow Ah just don't think using a molecular scanner is in the spirit of hide-and-go-seek.

They weren't joking when they said "the walls have ears," were they?

Resurrecting the old Classic Trek tradition of hiding Leonard Nimoy's bicycle, "Enterprise" staffers frequently found creative places to stash Dominic Keating's Cooper Mini, forcing him to scour the sets during lunch hour.

Malcolm: I've found the source of the problem, sir.
Trip: Finally! What was it?
Malcolm: Someone secretly replaced the dilithium with Folger's crystals.
Trip: That was stupid. American coffee's weaker'n dishwater. You need espresso if you're gonna get anywhere.

Malcolm: Captain, I'm afraid this confirms it. General Shran did use the fully stocked mini bar but attempted to defeat the automatic billing system by leaving the bottles in place and using a straw!
Archer: Ooooooh! I knew I couldn't trust him!

I don't care what Commander Tucker says. He's not making plasma coolant in this set-up. It's white lightning.
(Kathy Rose)

Finally having located an original 21st century Gameboy Advance, Lt. Reed had to resort to drastic measures to have the screen properly backlit.
(Robert Mueller)

Who's been swapping the power couplings with Toblerone bars!?!
(Clicks, who gets the Confection of the Day Award)

Malcolm: Sir! I can't believe you would accuse me of hiding your water polo tapes!
Archer: Oh yeah? Then why...uh...oh all right -- just keep an eye out for them!
Malcolm: Yes sir! {Archer leaves} Whew! That was a close one! Now, will all the tapes fit in here...?

Now, if I can just reroute main power to the phase cannons....

Sir, if you didn't continually force-feed him cheese -- and don't give me that 'he likes it' rubbish, it's just an excuse for you to eat more -- maybe he wouldn't feel the need to run away. And no, sir, there is no way I'm going in there after him. I wouldn't last five minutes with the gas that's probably coming out that dog's bum.

It's a state-of-the-art spaceship with every bell and whistle imaginable. You'd think they would have come up with a way to keep the celery strings from stopping up the garbage disposal in the galley.
(Kathy Rose, who wins the Giggle of the Day Award)

After some futile attempts to program the DVD-Recorder, Malcolm finally decided to call Hoshi to help him with instructions like "..and when light double then push buttON emergency by recsystem manual. Warning: don't empty file if white light frizzle on input keyboard."
(Lisa Teleia)

Archer and Mal with canister

Malcolm: This is it. The last bit of dignity we were able to salvage.
Archer: Get that to Phlox. Have him put it in stasis and post guards. Until we can figure out how to clone it or scrape up some more, it's the most valuable commodity on the ship.

Archer: So that's been the source of my hallucinations?
Malcolm: Apparently so, sir. This 'Ziggy' device is specifically configured to affect your brain waves to make you believe you were -- someone else.
Archer: A whole bunch of someone elses.
Malcolm: Leaping in and out of others' lives, almost at random.
Archer: No wonder I've been, uh...
Malcolm: Barking mad, sir?
Archer: I was going to say 'a little off,' Malcolm.
Malcolm: Captain, thinking that your first officer is plotting mutiny is 'a little off." Thinking that you're Elvis Presley --
Archer: Arf arf.

Archer: Are you sure he'll like this?
Malcolm: Positive. Stilton with dried cranberries is an excellent dessert cheese.
Archer: It's his birthday. I don't want to disappoint him. A dog doesn't turn four every day, you know.

Maddy (from inside canister): {chirp chirp}
Archer: I don't believe it. Travis's imaginary lizard got more lines than he did this week.
Malcolm: How is that surprising?

Malcolm: If you press this button the ship blows up, so don't press it.
Archer: Which one?
Malcolm: This one.
Archer: Which one?
Malcolm: This one.
Archer: Could you point it out to me one more time?
Malcolm: It's this -- OW! what did you push me for?
Archer: {snicker}
Malcolm: Oh, bollocks.
(Jennifer B)

Despite a stunning performance by Scott Bakula, critics did not find much praise for Enterprise's attempt to redefine the concept of "bottle show."
(Robert Mueller, who once again wins the Clever Wordplay Award)

Malcolm: It says to apply to a cloth and vigorously rub into the scratched surface and the scratch will disappear.
Archer: Yeah, great, isn't it?
Malcolm: I don't think this small bottle will take care of all of the scratches, dents, and dings, not to mention the gaping holes in the hull, sir.
Archer: But they said...
Malcolm: Really, sir. Do you believe everything you see on those TV infomercials? If you do, you're more gullible than we previously thought.
(Kathy Rose)

Archer: Malcolm, what is that?
Malcolm: Erm, it's, it's nothing, sir.
Archer: Hang on, what's that on the side?
Malcolm: Nothing, sir, really, it's nothing a'tall.
Archer: Pineapple detection device?!
Malcolm: Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a good Golden Supreme source out here?
(Jennifer B)

Malcolm: ... and the coating on the box is such that they don't even show up on the bio-scanner. All we need is a good spot to hide it.
Archer: Yeah, and hope that Phlox won't turn the ship inside out when he realizes his slugs are missing.

That's the strangest thermos of chicken soup I've ever seen. We need to talk to Chef about these lunches.

"...a grenade or just happy to see me?"
"You can find out -- just a small fee.
It'll pay for your rating
in Ordnance, stating
you've got skill to handle Class B."
(evay and the TrekBBS Limerickers)

It's rather remarkable -- for all their technological advances, the Andorians still haven't figured out how to make recyclable bottles.

Archer: One of Ensign Warhol's soup cans?
Reed: Doesn't look that way. The label reads Sato/T'Pol.
Archer: Ah. Ship in a bottle.
(Robert "the PUNisher" Mueller)

I'm a little tied up at the moment

T'Pol: Captain Archer, report to the Bridge.
Archer: Sorry, I'm kind of tied up at the moment.
(evay, getting the extremely obvious joke out of the way immediately)

At left, a storyboard image from a rejected "Choose Your Own ENTventure" ending.

Archer: Are you sure I've got this right?
T'Pol: The Vulcan version of cat's cradle is quite advanced.

Porthos sometimes had to resort to desperate measures to force Daddy to keep the cheese coming.

Archer: Archer to Enterprise! Thank god I finally got through! You've got to get down here and rescue me!
Archer: Enterprise? Can you hear me?
Malcolm: We can hear you quite well, Captain.
Archer: Then get down here!
Malcolm: No.
Archer: ...No?
Malcolm: No. You'll have to rescue yourself.
Archer: What the hell are you talking about?
Malcolm: You've developed a nasty habit of allowing yourself to be kidnapped and expecting us to bail you out. It's time you started becoming more independent. You got yourself into this mess -- you'll just have to get yourself out of it.
Archer: But I'm the captain!
Malcolm: All the more reason you should set a good example.
Archer: Would you do this to Kirk?
Malcolm: Captain Kirk would have a ripped shirt and three alien babes fawning over him by now. Try harder.

Archer: Look, you're evil, you're an alien, and you're wearing a Nazi uniform. Isn't that enough punishment on its own? Did you really have to tie me up and make birds drop on my uniform?

Archer: Honest! It was a simple story about teaching a Xindi primate to fish.
Xindi Aquatic: Tell that to my species. Now you are going to be used as bait for "primating."
(Kathy Rose)

Archer: Trip, I swear, I didn't touch your pecan pie. Now please, I need know...
Trip: Whaddya think, Mal?
Malcolm: We still haven't found out who finished off the key lime. I think we should wait a bit longer. Perhaps the...urgency...will jog his memory.

Trip realized then that Archer wasn't the electrician he claimed to be.

All right, all right, I won't pre-empt Movie Night for my water-polo matches any more... now, will you let me go to the bathroom?

And so the winner of the Eagle Scout "Knot-Off" Competition on the NX-01 was decided.

Archer: Aaaand, the rabbit goes around the tree three times, then through the hole, and...wait, around the tree two times, up the tree, then through the hole...
Malcolm: You never were a Scout, were you?

T'Pol: Captain, why are you tied up?
Archer: Well...I...uh...there were these big pudgy aliens. They said they were looking for "things that make them go." Well, they didn't seem too bright, and I was willing to try to help them. And then ...
T'Pol: You allowed them to capture you?
Reed {whispering}: Subcommander -- let's not make this more embarrassing for him than necessary, shall we?

Archer: If this is how you plan on stopping the Xindi, you're hopeless, Trip.
Trip: You haven't gotten free yet, have you?

Archer: Please, please let me go, I promise no more gazelle stories, honestly. {The entire senior staff scoffs.} Well, it was worth a try...
(Jennifer B)

Mama said there'd be days like this, but I always thought that was because she was off her medication.

Archer {slightly sentimental}: Awww, I can't believe those two won't be together. But they'll always have Paris. See! I really really like Ingrid Bergman. Can I go now?
Trip: When the bell tolls...'cause that's what we're ACTUALLY watching!

And evay called me "Captain DeSade"?

Although it was a great deal of fun for the children, the captain regretted volunteering to participate in the annual North Star Rodeo and Roundup.

T'Pol: This is the way you tie your shoes, tie your shoes, tie your shoes... This is the way...
Archer: Doc, I told you to hide that Trellium-D stuff from her!

Daniels takes his persuasive techniques a step further.

Trip? Trip?? You're coming back, right?

Trip {who is also tied up offscreen): Forget it, Cap'n, they're not impressed. Puppydog eyes only work for Porthos!

Malcolm: you can see, Subcommander, why I suggest this become part of our standard procedure every time we receive a distress call.
Archer {to himself}: Just wait until you're pinned to the hull again...

Archer: Shran? Are we even now?

Captain Archer had failed to realize just what "bound by the law" meant on Ziolnika. Until the misunderstanding could be cleared up, he became rather familiar with the String of Rules.
(Robert Müller, who wins today's Clever Wordplay Award)

If I promise to stop making dumbass decisions with little forethought, will you let me go?
(Laughing Muse)

Archer: You know, Malcolm, I'm really glad that Trip taught you how to "hog-tie," but you didn't have to use me to practice on.
(Kathy Rose)

Before the NX-01 was about to head for the planet Hydro Polo IV, certain preparations were made...

Anthony Montgomery decided to get rid of the one cast member who had stolen all the screen time.

Archer: Did the evil guy just say he plans to paint me green and sell me as an Orion slave boy?
Malcolm: Ha! You owe me five quid, Commander. Pay up.
Trip: Ah'll pay you if someone actually buys him.

The alien pirates had a good reason to celebrate: They had just stolen the largest single piece of the extremely rare "Archerite" in the known galaxy.

I promise I won't start another food fight while you're in the mess hall, T'Pol. T'Pol? I said I promise. ...T'Pol? Hello?

Shran's the Man

Shran: I trust the contract is in order?
Buyer: "Thirty-five percent of all rights to any pyrite ore found in the Expanse." Very generous terms.
Shran: The Andorian Mining Consortium likes to deal fairly with its partners.
Buyer: What's this rider? Something about Acquisition Rules?
Shran: Religious disclaimer. Standard language. Noting to worry about.

Undercover Cop: I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you a summons, sir.
Jeffrey Combs: Why? What did I do?
Cop: Disturbing the peace.
Combs: What? How?
Cop: It's what you're wearing.
Combs: It's Greenwich Village. On Halloween.
Cop: That's what I mean. You were in the Creamsicle Orange section of the parade wearing Pale Smurf Blue. You're a walking assault to the senses.
Combs: But blue and orange are Mets colors! And I've accessorized with this butter-soft black leather!
Cop: Sorry, buddy, I'm a Yankees fan and a vegetarian. Here's your ticket. Be sure to report any suspicious packages or activities you might see. Have a nice day.

Incongruous as it might have seemed, Shran was a huge Beatles fan, and eagerly auditioned for the role of Chief Meanie in the 2154 remake of "Yellow Submarine."

Shran: I don't care what she says, I am not the father of her Smurflings.
Lawyer: Well, according to this DNA test done by Jerry Springer's people...
Shran: Who the hell is Jerry Springer?

Shran: I don't care what my contract says, if Archer tells another animal story, I'm holding my breath until I turn purple.
(Kathy Rose)

Shran: Photographs of people in scanty interesting concept, but...a waste of resources.
Embarrassed stranger: Why would you say that?
Shran: Genetic enhancements are much more efficient.
Stranger: Enhancements?
Shran: Indeed! Why do you think I point my antennae at Archer and Tucker all the time?

Hmm... I think I'll have a seafood pizza with added pepperoni.
(Jenn, who wins today's Completely Hilarious Non Sequitur Award)

Shran: No. No, I refuse to believe it. A harassment claim from my Weapons Officer? Impossible.
EEO Official: Hey, that peep hole behind us into her shower says otherwise, Blue Boy!
(wings over the world)

In his all-time career low, Jeffrey Combs auditioned for a part as an extra in "A Bug's Life."

If you think you're giving all my lines away, you've got another think coming!

Shran: I told you I paid all my debts, Pinkskin.
Starfleet Accountant: Sorry, this invoice is still outstanding.
Shran {waving hand}: I said, I paid all my debts.
Accountant: Sorry, wrong franchise. The Force doesn't work here.

Western Union Guy: It says "Happy birthday Commander Shran. Captain Jonathan Archer."
Shran: That pinkskin is full of surprises...

Shran: I just don't agree with it, not at all! There is no reason that you pink-skins have to change the show's name to "Star Trip"!
UPN Marketing Guy: Look, viewers want Trip. More viewers means more chances for you to get screen time. It's all about ratings.
Shran: Fine, but don't expect me to show up in blue underwear during sweeps.

Photographer: Look, with computers nowadays you can do anything you want. I could remove the antennae from the whole lot of you.
Shran: I knew it was a mistake to show him the family album.

Fed up with actors claiming "that's not in my contract," it's now standard procedure to keep said contracts on hand, much to the disappointment of those claiming that they are under no obligation to sit through another gazelle speech.

TripTECHLt. Reed took steps to make certain he would never be duped, stunned, and robbed by local "beauties" again. Commander Tucker had less foresight.

Trip: Now you tell me there's a manual?
Rostov: I just went to and looked under "support."

Archer: Hey Trip! How's that pool pump coming? We've got the nets and balls ready, and they're starting to choose teams!
Trip: The things Ah do to support that man's water polo habit...

Trip: ...yep. Sand down my shorts. Again. {sighs}

The Starfleet Corps of Engineers' Tools and Torque calendar featured the very popular Trip Tucker from the NX-01 as "Commander March."

Commander Tucker was dubious about Doctor Phlox's plan to turn "Engineer Sweat" into a potent homeopathic medicine.
(wings over the world)

Reed: What's wrong commander? You look -- disturbed.
Tucker: Well, Ah've repaired the shuttlepod, but Ah've still got all these pieces left over.
Mayweather: Commander, you've forgotten -- this is Shuttlepod One.
Tucker: Right! 'Course! The self-repairing, self-replicating Shuttlepod One! Sorry, slipped mah mind!

We're moving to Friday nights?! Dammit! Travis, can you give me a hand movin' this gear again?!

Dammit! This time travel stuff makes my head spin. Now Ah'm back in Season 2?!

It was then that Trip realized that even one Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster was one too many.
(rainwoman, who wins today's Cross-Franchise Award)

Ah am so damned glad we're out of the Expanse. That last anomaly took off the bottom half of my legs and stuck this gizmo on one of 'em.
(Kathy Rose)

{sigh} One of these days, Ah'll make it through an episode with all my clothes on.

A fourth season? How many years do you get for indecent exposure? Cause Ah'm already well past strike three...

Great. Daniels HAD to tell the Cap'n 'bout the fan dance of that Uhura person.... Nice wigglin', though.

Trip: An' Ah said, "T'Pol, how 'bout Yosemite?" an' then you said, "I have heard that your 'Death Valley' resembles the Vulcan central continent" an' Ah said, "Well, Ah don't partic-oolarly like the desert" an' you said, "Perhaps we should not have an 'outing' together," an' Ah said, "Yah don't hafta get all snippy; fine, we'll go ta Death Valley, ta please you," an, when Ah said, "Ah don't like the way that gauge looks" an' you said, "I don't think anything is wrong, Commander" an'...are you listenin' ta me, T'Pol?
T'Pol: Excuse, me, Mr. Tucker, I must have nodded off while tanning. You were saying?
Trip: Ah hope Malcolm an' Hoshi are havin' fun at that Mexican spa....

Okay, now you're startin' t'get on my nerves.

Trip: Chief Engineer's log, July 2, 2147. Shuttlepod One has been destroyed. Ah can rebuild it. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first Teflon shuttle. Shuttlepod One will be that shuttle. Better than it was before. Better...stronger...faster.

Heh heh! Do you think Ah'm sexy, baby?

Cap'n... Ah tell yah... this yoga crap T'Pol has been teaching me is for the birds!
(The unpoison ivy'ed half )

Howinthehell...? Sheeesh! This yoga thing is harder than it looks. Ah'm sweating my butt off and Ah haven't even gotten it off the ground yet!

Trip was beginning to wonder if Captain Archer's remark "I bet you wouldn't be so good-looking if you were all filthy and sweaty!" had been an insult and not an order.

Trip: Robby the robot! No! Ah should have done more!
(Boris G.)

Trip {perplexed}: Where's my...? Dang that evay!!! Ah turn my back five minutes to fix this thing and she runs off with my shirt. Again!

"Help! Ah've fallen and Ah can't get up!"

Welcome to the set of "Flashdance Reloaded"!
(Lisa Teleia)

Trip: Ah give up! Ah just can't assemble this friggin' thing!
Mal: I told you those Kinder-surprise-toys have become more tricky over the last few centuries...

The Script Doctors part 1

The Script Doctors part 3

The Script Doctors, Classic Trek

The Script Doctors, Voyager

Every Picture Tells A Story

The Script Doctors, Battlestar Galactica 2K

Photos:, Paramount via Star Trek 2004 Day-to-Day Calendar, Paramount