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Get Me Rewrite: The Script Doctors

Desert VisionArcher: Look! Up in the sky!
Trip: It's a bird!
Archer: It's a plane!
Trip: It's Gene Roddenberry's ashes orbiting the earth in a lipstick-sized capsule!
Archer: It's a stealth bomber!
Trip: It's the shattered remains of UPN burnin' up in the atmosphere!
Archer: It's a Concorde!
Trip: It's the ugliest weather balloon in creation!
Archer: It's a Fokker!
Trip: Captain!
Archer: No, no, that's a type of German aircraft.
Trip: Oh, all right. Uh, it's the, it's, uh, it's a communications satellite!
Archer: You know, there are a lot more plane-things than non-plane things.
Trip: Are you givin' up?
Archer: Not at all!
Trip: So, it's your turn.
Archer: It's a hang-glider!
Trip: It's a pterodactyl!
Archer: A what?! Dinosaurs are extinct!
Trip: You never said it had to be somethin' viable.
Archer: Fine, fine. It's a... helicopter!
Trip: It's a dragon!
Archer: It's an F-16!
Trip: It's a Florida mosquito!
Archer: They grow that big in Florida?
Trip: Palmetto mosquitoes. They make the Palmetto bugs look like fleas.
Archer: You're just making stuff up now.
Trip: So what? It's your turn.

Trip: That is the biggest sand castle Ah have ever seen.
Archer: Well, Vulcan is mostly desert. They've had lots of material to practice with.
Trip: Yeah, but -- the Taj Mahal, life-size?
Archer: Even Vulcan monks get bored once in a while.

Archer: Okay, okay, wait -- it's left, left, turn, dip, right, left --
Trip: Cap'n, wouldja just admit you can't dance?
Archer: Yes I can! I'm just not used to following instructions written on a sign instead of on the floor.
Trip: Forget it. Ah'll enter the contest with Malcolm.
Archer: Aw, c'mon, Trip! Give me another chance!
Trip: Okay, but if you step on my feet again, that's it. Malcolm already knows the foxtrot. We just gotta learn the Andorian Shuffle and then we'll have the whole program.
(evay, getting lots of mileage out of Tripper's caption)

...Archer: It's a Lear jet!
Trip: It's the Silver Surfer!
Archer: It's a C-130!
Trip: It's Rocky the Flying Squirrel!
Archer: Flying squirrels aren't that big.
Trip: He is if it's the float from Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade which got loose in a high wind.
Archer: You're really stretching, Trip.
Trip: Give up yet?
Archer: No! It's, uh, it's a Boeing Airbus!
Trip: It's a frisbee!
Archer: It's a hydrofoil!
Trip: It's a cherubim!
Archer: "Cherub." Cherubim is plural.
Trip: Not Proginoskes from A Wind in the Door.
Archer: Trip!
Trip: What? It's a literary classic!

Archer: This was your brilliant idea of a backup system if communications went down on the shuttlepod?
Trip: Well, yeah.
Archer: There seems to be a fundamental problem.
Trip: Noticed that, did ya?
Archer: Yes, I did. We can read whatever they skywrite, but we have no way to respond!
Trip: "Where are you?" is a valid question.
Archer: And how do you propose we answer it?
Trip: We can scratch out the word "Here" in big letters in that sand dune. Malcolm will spot it and have us out of here in no time.
Archer: How do you know it's Malcolm in the shuttlepod?
Trip: It's those uptight proper manners of his. He's the only one Ah know who would put an RSVP after "Where are you?"
(Kathy Rose)

Trip: Is that it, Captain?
Archer: I seriously hope that wasn't the series finale.

Archer: It's the Spruce Goose!
Trip: It's a box kite!
Archer: It's a crop-duster!
Trip: It's a parasailer!
Archer: It's Skylab!
Trip: That fell apart.
Archer: It's a very large piece of Skylab.
Trip: Ehhhh okay, Ah'll give ya that one.

Trip: "Ah don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere."
Archer: Please, not that. Meesa don't want to hear anything from that movie.
Trip: How about from Dune?
Archer: I sense a theme here.
Trip: Ah think Gurney in the Dune movie would make a fine captain of a future Enterprise, don't you?
Archer: Why don't you make that so then?
(Hildwyn, who wins today's Cross-Franchises Award)

A bird?...A plane?, it's Malcolm!

Trip: Ah can't believe they built a dang Starbucks here!
Archer: And I can't believe I forgot my Starbucks card.
(Robert Mueller)

Trip: It's Icarus!
Archer: It's the Wright Brothers!
Trip: It's the whale from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy!
Archer: Well, that's more of a "falling" than a "flying," but okay. It's a Cessna!
Trip: It's Buzz Lightyear!
Archer: Now c'mon, even Buzz admitted he wasn't actually flying!
Trip: So the whale's okay but Buzz isn't? Toonist.
Archer: What?! That's not even a word!
Trip: You're prejudiced against cartoons!
Archer: Oh, for the love of -- okay, fine, it counts.

Trip: But why not "Staring at the sun" ? Ah don't get it, Cap'n.
Archer: The Offspring one was better. Trust me on this, Trip.
Trip: Yeah, yeah, all right, go ahead.
Archer (singing): "You don't know how you got here, you just know you want out -- believing in yourself, almost as much as you doubt..."
Trip (to himself): Ah just hope Malcolm gets me outta here before the Cap'n gets to the chorus.
(The practice of using U2 songs as marching music was abandoned shortly afterwards. Marching to "Vertigo" required spinning in circles, which tended to upset the troops and damage morale.)
(Robert Mueller)

Trip: Are you pondering what Ah'm pondering, Cap'n ?
Archer: I think so, Trip, but it's a rock monster. It doesn't have motivation.
(Robert Mueller)

Archer: Uh oh! Trip, is that what I think...?
Trip: That's the BIGGEST damn bird Ah've ever seen!
Archer: It's got us in its sights and heading this way! And we've got nowhere to hide from it.
Trip: Cap'n? What're those weird markings on it? Almost looks like English letters...It looks like...
Archer: Run, Trip! Those markings ARE letters. They say UPN!  RUN!
Trip: Ah can't believe it! That sonofabitching thang is getting ready to drop a HUGE load on us! Arrhhhhhhh!

Archer: It's our Nielsen ratings!
Trip: Maybe from first season. After "A Night in Sickbay," they never got very high again.
Archer: That was so totally not my fault.
Trip: No, of course not. You just got the script, you didn't write it.
Archer: Do I get credit for that one?
Trip: Oh, all right, since you gave me Buzz Lightyear.

In order to save money on effects, Enterprise cast members were required to look dumbfounded in a variety of settings and conditions to be used as stock footage.
(taynaron, who wins today's "Why Didn't I Think of That Myself?" Award)

Trip: Why's Shuttlepod One flyin' that way? Is Travis drunk?
Archer: I think Hoshi's at the helm.
Trip: Why would Hoshi be flying a rescue mission?
Archer: Truthfully, I've always suspected her of looking for an opportunity to off me. I think she wants my job.
Trip: She's headed right for us!
Archer: Quick. Let's go this way.
Trip: Hell, no. Leggo ma arm. YOU go that way. Ah'm gettin' as far away from you as Ah can.

Trip: Is that a hologram or a mirage?
Archer: Neither. It's our future flashing before our eyes.
Trip: Yer tellin' me all THAT s&%t is gonna happen to me?
Archer: Come on, this way. If we don't let them find us this time, maybe we can change it.

Archer: What the --
Trip: Did YOU know Phlox could jump like that?
Archer: No. But when we get back I'm going to tell the Stanford coach he should seriously consider recruiting from Denobula.

Trip: It's an albatross!
Archer: It's a booster rocket!
Trip: It's the Flying Nun!
Archer: It's the Flying Dutchman!
Trip: That was actually a sailing ship.
Archer: Damn, okay, uh, it's a Flying Tiger!
Trip: It's a flying fish!
Archer: Do those make it into the air?
Trip: Eh, it's kinda "leaping with style." But yeah, they get outta the water and glide a little.
Archer: Wow, the things you learn.

They said something about a rescue ship... but not a space liner, right?
(Jason Argo)

Archer: It's hardly what one would call a scientific method...
Trip: Yeah, Ah bet T'Pol would raise her eyebrows and say it's illogical...
Archer: ... but those are definitely thunderstorm clouds forming!
Trip: Okay, we did "Singing in the Rain" and "Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head" -- what else?
Archer: Um, "I Wish It Would Rain Down"?
Trip: Ah don't know that one!
Archer: I'll start, you jump in on the chorus.
Trip: Just don't mention "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland" or it'll dump a blizzard on us.
Archer: We're Starfleet officers. I can't believe we're doing this.
Trip: I'll humina right, you humina left. And don't forget to bob your head on the fourth "humina" or we'll get hail.
Archer: Isn't there a better way to get the natives to trade for injectors than a rain dance?
Trip: Says the man who did the chainsaw ritual for the Kreetassans.
Archer: I said, that episode was so totally not my fault.
(Rosmirafedele and evay)
Trip: Ah can't believe it! Is that...?
Archer: Oh my God! It's Malcolm sky-diving!
Trip: And we didn't even do "It's Raining Men."
(Kathy Rose, who wins today's "Boy, I Really Should Have Thought of That Myself" Award)

At nearly the same instant, Trip and Archer realized that while Phlox had previously shown off his ability to puff up his face, he had neglected to mention that he could do so large enough to become a hot air balloon.

Mile after mile they trudged. The going was hard, but they kept at it. The sun, the wind, the heat -- all the obstacles of the desert were in full force against the two men...and ignored. They had to keep going. They would not, could not, turn back. Ahead lay possible death. Behind? Phlox in a Speedo.

Archer: Here comes the shuttlecraft. We'll get you right to Sickbay to have your paralyzing constipation cured.
Trip: Urkkhhh!

Just then, they realized their folly: they had wished for the world's biggest ice-cream sundae, but not for a spoon.

Archer: It's a dirigible!
Trip: It's Monty Python's Flying Circus!
Archer: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Trip: African or European?
Archer: We're in the desert, so African.
Trip: About 10 or 11 meters per second.
Archer: How the hell do you know that?
Trip: You're the pilot -- you figure it out.

Archer: Is that....? Do you see...?
Trip: Nah. Can't be. Must be the heat. Or we just got hit too hard in that last Geskana match.
Archer: But I'm pretty sure it is.
Trip: What would the Statue of Liberty be doing in the Cygniai Expanse?
(Tripper, who wins today's Cross-Franchise Award)

Archer: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
Trip: No, it's Mal riding a torpedo!
(Jenni Bull)

Once again, Archer's plans to get to Risa were sidetracked by a "little" problem.

Archer: It's SpaceShip One going for the Ansari X prize!
Trip: It's an eagle owl!
Archer: Well, which one is it?
Trip: No, it's one bird. They're enormous. They can take down a deer.
Archer: Oooookay, Dr. Doolittle. Uh, it's a MedEvac!
Trip: It's the Pyrithian bat!
Archer: Oh, hell, how did she get out of Sickbay?
Trip: Call Hoshi and see if she'll do that Snow White thing again.
Archer: You know, I think you're just looking for excuses to bring that damn episode up.

Archer: That one. I'm sure we parked the shuttlepod behind that dune on the left.
Trip: Damn. Ah knew we should've written it down.

Archer: There's another one! You circle it to the right. I'll go around to the left.
Trip: Ah'm all for gettin' T'Pol somethin' for her birthday, but Ah can think of a helluva lot of easier things.
Archer: No. A baby sehlat is the perfect gift. I won't settle for less. Now let's not miss this one like we did the last nine, okay?

Trip: What are those supposed to be... goats? sheep? Tyrannosuarus Rex? They're huge!
Archer: The local version of cattle, I think. Beef.
Trip: With all due respect, Cap'n, Ah'll let you enjoy these people's hospitality alone this time. Ah'll just take a stroll on this wonderful beach -- still have to digest, uh, breakfast. Yeah. And last night's dinner. You know how heavy Chef's shepherd's pie is.
Archer: No way, Commander. We're in this together, remember?
Trip: Well, next time take Phlox with you. He actually likes to embrace new cultures, especially when it comes to their cuisine.
Archer: I wonder if there'll be chunks in the soup this time.

Trip: Err, why's the shuttlepod taking off? Aren't they forgetting something?
Archer: Well, Travis is concentrating on flying, and Hoshi must've gotten distracted. They'll realize their mistake soon enough.
Trip: Yeah. Any minute now. {watches it leave orbit}
Archer (under his breath): Why the little...
Trip: You let them watch those Mirror Universe episodes, didn't you.

As large as this planet's moon was, Archer and Trip should have known the waves crashing on this planet's beaches would be something best avoided. Soon after encountering the mega ultra gigunda tremendous gihugic enormous "high" tide, Archer reconsidered his affection for water polo.

Archer: It's a Saturn V!
Trip: It's Dumbo!
Archer: It's a Mustang!
Trip: It's Tweety Bird!
Archer: On steroids?
Trip: Big-screen TV.
Archer: Oh, all right -- it's the Memphis Belle!
Trip: It's the Flying Elvi!
Archer: Okay, we're going to take a break and find you some shade and water.
Trip: You're just looking for an excuse to distract me so you can dig up your History of Aviation book.

Trip: Cap'n, when Ah said move your hand or lose it, I meant move it completely off me.
Archer: God, I hate UPN.

Trip: Cap'n, Ah --
Archer: Shhh! Don't move, don't say anything -- you'll ruin my Kirk moment.
Trip: Ah've seen more action than you, Cap'n.
Archer: That does it! See if I care at your funeral.

Archer: Trip, what is that?
Trip: Cap'n -- Ah think it's -- it's...
Archer: Well, what is it?
Trip: Ah don't know. But Ah don't want to admit that. So, Ah'm guessin' it's something Ah've never seen before.
Archer: And I hope never to see it again.
(Hawkeye, who wins today's Purple Cow Award)

Trip: Geez, those ratings are plummeting fast!!
Archer: Yeah, and look right behind it: the fireball that was UPN.
(Laughing Muse)

Archer: Why is that sand dune undulating like that?
Trip: Uh-oh. Ever seen Tremors?
Archer: Uh-huh. And not a telephone pole or big rock in sight.
(Kathy Rose)

Archer: Okay, what is it now?
Trip: Peter Pan!
Archer: Back into the shade with you for another 15 minutes.
Trip: Still looking for your Boeing encyclopedia?

In a desperate attempt to increase ratings, Enterprise was forced to rely on franchise crossovers. This week: A standard first contact situation goes awry when Archer and Trip get lost in the desert without their stillsuits and accidentally summon a Worm. At the same time, T'Pol falls back into drug addiction, as she discovers that the Spice must flow. Into her bloodstream.
(taynaron, with another Dune reference)

Archer: Is that a big metal ring?
Trip: Looks like it has water in the middle? Yeah.
Archer: Damn...we must've taken a wrong turn and wound up on Stargate SG1's set again.
Trip: Ah TOLD you...a RIGHT turn at Alberquerque.

Connor Trinneer (singing): "Movin' right along, oh L.A. where have you gone? Someone come and fetch us, we're in Saskatchewan!"
Scott Bakula: No, no, we're going to Vancover.
Trinneer: Why Vancouver? They're not auditioning right now.
Bakula: Yeah, but if we hang around long enough, we'll have to get picked up for something, and that's where all the other cool shows are being filmed.

Archer: Do you think it means anything that as Malcolm was waving goodbye he was putting on an additional two pips on his uniform?
(PJ in NH)
Trip: Nah. He'd never mutiny and take over the ship without me.

Trip: I'd give anything to be back on Enterprise...
Archer: Anything?
Trip: Hell, Ah'd even watch water polo with you anytime without complainin'.
Archer {flipping open communicator}: Two to beam up, Mister Reed.
Trip: Sonofabitch!

Archer: ...Um...
Trip: {sighs}
Archer: ...It's the spectre of cancellation!
Trip: Cap'n, we've known that was coming for a while.
Archer: Am I losing my edge?
Trip: We've been at this for hours now.
Archer: ...but I'm on a roll...
Trip: Don'cha think we oughta get goin'? It's not gettin' any cooler out here.
Archer: It's a movie theater that isn't playing Episode III 24/7!
Trip: OK, I've had enough. It's Phlox and his entire family in thongs. With T'Pol in a muu-muu.
Archer: ...Great. Now I'm blind.
Trip: Dammit, can't you just scream like Kirk? It's gonna take two episodes to get over your vision problem.
Archer: Yeah, but it adds to the dramatic tension.
Trip: Easy for you to're not the one who has to get beat up every week.
Archer: {looks intently}
Trip: {does the same}
Archer: A buncha...wooden crosses...
Trip: People...singing..."Always Look on the Bright Side of Life."
Archer: We are so outta here.

Superman: I wonder how long it's going to take for them to recognize me.

Reed walkPhlox: Lieutenant, I hardly think this is necessary.
Malcolm: Doctor, you told me your space snipe had gotten loose here in the Cargo Bay. Commander Tucker and I were unable to locate it. Your assistance is quite necessary if I'm to find the creature before it injures one of the crew.
Phlox: Well, you know, about the snipe -- it's really not all that dangerous --
Malcolm: "Not all that dangerous"? You said it had a meter-wide jawspan, venomous talons, and a spiked tail, and breathed cyanide gas!
Phlox: Did I say that? I meant it smelled like cyanide gas. Like bitter almonds, hmm?
Malcolm: Well, that's a relief. But someone could still be bitten, clawed, or stabbed. We have to find it as soon as possible.
Phlox: I...might have exaggerated just a bit --
Malcolm: I've already taken your habitual hyperbole into account, Doctor. In any case, I req--wait -- what was that?
Phlox: Oh, probably the quartermaster looking for some WD-40. You know, Mister Reed, snipe tends to, uh, it hibernates when the food supply runs low, yes? And it can, it cloaks itself so it can hibernate safely, so it isn't really necessary for us to --
Malcolm: A sleeping invisible monster hiding in my Cargo Bay, waiting for someone to stumble over it and become lunch? Not on my watch! We're going to search every centimeter of this room, Doctor, and we're going to open every canister, crate, bag, and box until we find it. And if we don't, we're going to start over again from the beginning.
Phlox: I can see this is going to be a long afternoon.

Phlox: Just remember, Mister Reed, that you promised me a position on your new vessel if I assisted you in your mutiny.
Malcolm: Of course. Now, when they come in, you shout something to distract the captain. I'll take out T'Pol. O'Cuire will mop up.
Phlox: Any suggestions on what I should be making a fuss about?
Malcolm: Oh, make something up. Tell him the dog has developed eructative gingivitis.
Phlox: Eructative gingi-- his gums are belching?
Malcolm: Really, Doctor, do you think he'll know the difference? The moment he hears "Porthos" his IQ sinks below room temperature.
Phlox: True. But what about her?
Malcolm: Hm, that's true -- she will know it's a ruse. All right, don't be too specific, just yell something about the dog being in trouble. That should get his attention.
Phlox: I hope you and Mister Tucker are going to run a tighter ship than this.
Malcolm: Doctor, your Pyrithian bat could run a tighter ship than those two. Why do you think we're staging a mutiny?

Malcolm: Steady, Doctor. I'll have you out of here shortly.
Phlox: I didn't think the Commander really meant it when he said he was "gonna kill the sonofabitch who et the last slice of key lime pie."
Malcolm: I'm afraid that's partly my fault. I finished the pecan. When the key lime went missing, it must have sent him over the edge.
Phlox: Couldn't we just make another pie?
Malcolm: Certainly! I'll just whip my EZ-Bake Oven out of my trouser pocket and use the limes growing in my --
Phlox: All right, all right, no need to get testy.

Phlox (whispering): Lieutenant, why don't you stand up and fire?
Malcolm (whispering): Because he didn't say "Simon Says"!

While many of the senior staff loved the captain's weekly "hide and seek" games, most of them resented Reed stealing their best hiding spots.

Malcom: Porthos goes missing for weeks on end, and suddenly Chef wants me to test his chili -- or else? There may be nowhere to hide from the Chef, but I have to try! Why are you here?
Phlox: The Captain came into sickbay asking about Porthos's whereabouts and I started having flashbacks from "A Night in Sickbay." I'm hiding until I'm sure there's no chance of a sequel.
Malcom: Trust me. If Porthos is where I think he is, you won't have to worry about treating him any more.

Phlox: I know I suggested some extracurricular activities would help boost crew morale, but this wasn't what I had in mind, Lieutenant.
Reed: It was a good idea, Doctor. I just tweaked it and made it better. Not only is this activity fun, but it has practical applications for training the senior staff in self-defense.
Phlox: I understand that, Lieutenant, but don't you think using a phase pistol on the last man out is a bit extreme?
Reed: The training won't do any good if the senior staff doesn't take it seriously.
Phlox: A valid point. However, shouldn't you take the pistol off the 'kill' setting?
Reed: That's to boost my morale. The current last man out is the Captain.
(Kathy Rose)

Phlox (sotto voce): Lieutenant, I don't understand the point of this game
Malcolm (whispering): It's called "Laser Tag," and if you keep talking, Commander Tucker will win, and we'll have to watch his bloody sci-fi movies for the next three weeks.

Malcolm: I think we've cornered him.
Phlox: We really should be wearing EV suits, Lieutenant. The gas can be quite potent.
Malcolm: There's no time for that now. We've got to neutralise him before any more crewmen are hurt.
Phlox: Indeed, he already got three unsuspecting Engineering staff, and two of the Bridge crew.
Malcolm: And that's not counting any poor sods he met in the halls along the way.
Phlox: It would seem the benefits outweigh the dangers. I must commend your bravery, Mister Reed, in risking yourself for the crew.
Malcolm: Thank you, Doctor, but I'm just doing my job. When this is over, remind me to shoot the Captain.
Phlox: Of course.
Malcolm: And to put a lock-down on all cheese products.
Phlox: Indeed. Good luck.
Malcolm: Thank you. Here it goes. You're going down, Porthos! You're going down!
(Jenni Bull)

Phlox: I knew it! She's outwitting you, Lieutenant, admit it!
Reed: No bloody way is she going to outwit a Reed!
Phlox: Now now, Mister Reed, you shouldn't let your male ego cloud your judgement. She is simply very smart -- that much is obvious.
Reed: I'll let you know, Doctor, that in my last shooting practice I got nearly a perfect score. So don't give up on me so soon.
Phlox: This has nothing to do with your excellent marksmanship, Lieutenant. She's just a clever little devil!
Reed: Well, she's about to find out that Reeds don't give up so easily. Now be quiet and let me concentrate. If you keep chattering I might forget that this is a rescue mission and 'accidentally' set the pistol to kill.
Phlox: You wouldn't dare! You're the one crew member who's most benefited from my Pyrithian bat's beneficial properties...
(Rosimirafedele) wanted me to put this where?

Reed: But you distinctly said "Stoop under and shoot"!
Phlox: I said "Look under your shoe," Lieutenant. I believe the Captain gave Porthos too much brie.

Malcolm: What were you thinking, giving the Captain a laxative instead of an analgesic?
Phlox: As I recall, you humans do similar things for "April Fool's Day." I simply wanted to take part in this custom. Besides, I believe I wasn't the only one to have a little April Fool's fun.
Malcolm: Perhaps I did change the Tactical Alert siren to something a little more catchy, but --
Phlox: But what? What did you expect would happen the first time the Captain heard "Archer will kill us all" during a Tactical Alert?

What, my underwear's showing? How embarrassing!

Helmet Heads

Malcolm: What's our status?
Trip: Our oxygen is running low, your phaser-bomb is about to explode, Enterprise just warped off after the Andorians, the artificial gravity is out, and I had fried onions and garlic with Limburger for lunch and forgot to brush my teeth.
Malcolm: Is there any good news?
Trip: Yeah, Ah just saved 15% on my car insurance with Geico!

Malcolm: If you start talking about Hopalong Cassidy again, I'm going to save everyone the trouble and clock you myself.
Trip: Jeez, ya get possessed once and nobody ever lets you forget it.

Trip: Okay, do ya believe me now?
Malcolm: Fine, yes, you were correct. I just can't believe the Andorians would lock us in the cargo hold for getting the steps to the Andorian Shuffle incorrect.
Trip: Hoshi did warn us in the briefing that it was really important to 'em.
Malcolm: Couldn't you just have explained that the British always do things in the opposite direction of you Yanks?
Trip: Malcolm, left is left. It doesn't matter where you're from.
Malcolm: It's port, thankyouverymuch.
Trip: Well, if that's what you were drinkin', no wonder you got the steps wrong!

Trip: Okay, hold it right...there. Perfect. Don't move.
Malcolm: I'm still not sure this is a good idea.
Trip: Ah guarantee we'll win the contest.
Malcolm: Isn't having a Christmas tree made of castoff engine bits sufficiently creative? Are live ornaments really necessary?
Trip: Phlox is makin' his tree outta castoff bits from his zoo.
Malcolm: ...ugh. All right, strap me in. But no more than two minutes out there on the hull -- you promised.
Trip: Scout's honor.

Malcolm: This is the last time I let you talk me into one of your practical jokes.
Trip: Ah'm sorry, Mal. But who knew giving Porthos limburger would be THIS bad?

Malcolm: Trip, have I ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?
Trip: That's it, Malcolm -- you're definitely suffering from oxygen deprivation.


Malcolm: You know Phlox's lecture -- better safe than sorry.
Trip: Mal, when he said "make sure you use protection," Ah don't think this is what he had in mind.
(Kathy Rose)

Trip: Malcolm, face it, you're scared half to death!
Malcolm: That may be so, but I still don't want a 'make me feel better' hug from the captain!

Malcolm: Trip, there's something I should tell you...I was the one who ate the last piece of pecan pie on Thursday.
Trip: Not a good idea for you to tell me that here, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Why's that?
Trip (smiles evilly): No witnesses...

Trip: This is it! The chance we've been waiting for. Ah can't believe our luck.
Malcolm: We have been dreaming about having our own ship for four years now. But are you certain? You know there'll be no turning back.
Trip: Are you kiddin'?! This baby is an engineer's dream. With a little tinkering, Ah can have it chameleon into anything -- anything at all. We'll look like an asteroid or a moon orbiting that planet down there. Cap'n'll never know what happened to us. The universe'll be our playground.
Malcolm: Give me free reign of the weapons systems and call me "My Number One" and you've got a deal!
(Tripper, who wins today's "Why Didn't I Think of That Myself?" Award)

Buddhism is a widely practiced on the NX-01 -- after all, illumination is only a spacesuit away.
(Robert Mueller)

Malcolm: It's happening again! That light-bulb-thing's glowing over your head. It's getting really big this time. You're having another flash of brilliance, aren't you?
Trip: Ah notice there's a glow on both sides of your head, Malcolm. Does that mean the light's shining right through it?

Trip: Look, Malcolm, Ah just have to plug the auxiliary power unit into the circuit.
Malcolm: Commander, you told me that two hours ago and I just don't see how this is going to work!
Trip: Trust me -- this time it'll work for sure.
Malcolm: Nothing is for sure but death and taxes.
Trip: Don't be so damn pessimistic!
Malcolm: Pessimistic? You tried to get the unit online since 2000 hours and our shift is starting in thirty minutes! We've lost life support, computer access and lights, the plasma is overheating, there are regular power outages on B-Deck, Chef is going to be here any minute, and I don't see your 'Grande Andorian Mudcrap Frying Machine' working.
Trip: Ah know someone who is not going to get his regular dish of fish and chips. Perhaps Ah should've asked somebody from the Andorian Imperial Guard to install this kitchen appliance -- somebody who's got the guts to pull this through.
Malcolm: Perhaps you should have read the manual first.
Trip: It's in Andorian!
Malcolm: Let's use the universal translator.
Trip: It won't work. The computer's offline -- the handheld translator won't help us without the database!
Malcolm: All right, I'll go wake Hoshi.
Trip: No you don't. If she finds out the whole ship is going to know! We wanted it to be a surprise, remember?
Malcolm: Well, there's going to be one hell of of surprise when the ravenous crew stages a mutiny! And as the ship's security officer I am not amused by that particular scenario.
Trip: On second thought, get Hoshi and get her fast. But give her time to dress.
Malcolm: Commander, I am a gentleman.
Trip: Hoshi says something different.
Malcolm: Hoshi talks too much!

Malcolm: I know the Captain won't let you use the cargo bay or the mess hall to build a home theater, but don't you think installing a drive-in-sized screen on the hull is pushing it just a bit?
Trip: It'll work great. The surround sound is amazing when it's pumped into these helmets.
Malcolm: And how did you plan for the audience to enjoy their popcorn whilst wearing EV suits?

Trip: So why did Phlox send us down here again?
Malcolm: I believe he wanted us to capture his space snipe. He neglected to tell me what it looks like... and I don't think they show up on our scans.

Archer in Fur

The Giorgio Armani Winter 2154 collection features some stunning new looks. Here, Jon shows off what every discriminating barbarian will be wearing this December, the targ-fur cape with feathered collar.

Walking stick: cr250, Macy's; leggings: cr65, Today's Man; boots: cr250, L.L.Bean. Hair by Rocco of Vinny Venditti's. Makeup by some cute guy who stopped by on the way to the JAG set.

Although the planned rewrite of "All Our Yesterdays" got as far as costuming, the shortened fourth season ultimately forced it to be cut.

Archer: Okay, Trip, I put the outfit on. Now what did you want me to do?
Trip: Take it off...slowly.
Archer: How is that supposed to get us onto Project Runway?
(evay and Archer4Trip)

Stand back -- I take large steps.
(evay, with 10 points to anyone who gets the reference)

Archer: Are you sure this will help me bond with Porthos?
Phlox: Trust me, Captain. He needs to see you as the leader of his pack.
Archer: Well, if you say so...
Phlox: If you want to improve discipline, you must speak to him on his own level. Now, get down on your hands and knees, and bark.
Archer: And what?!
Phlox: "Bark." I believe that's the onomatopoeia you humans use for the vocalizations of canines?
Archer: I'm supposed to bark so he'll behave?
Phlox: Yes.
Archer {muttering}: The crazy things I do for this dog... ARF! ARF ARF BARK BARK BARK!
Phlox {whispering}: Are you getting this?
Malcolm {in Phlox's earpiece}: Every moment. This film is going to be priceless.
Phlox: Ah, Captain, you might wish to vary that with a howl or two?
Malcolm {in Phlox's earpiece}: Brilliant! Just brilliant!
Phlox {whispering}: I'll be expecting payment in the morning.
Malcolm {in Phlox's earpiece}: As we agreed.
Porthos: Can somebody explain why Alpha Male has gone nuts?

Archer: Five hundred tribbles gave their lives for this coat. If you care about the environment, please, buy TribbleTogs™before they can breed back to their original numbers.

Archer: I killed these foxes with my bare hands and lived off their meat for months!

Archer: The shuttlepods are unserviceable, the transporter is off-line, but I still doubt very much that dressing up like an eagle is going to get me any place...
Phlox: Optimism, Captain!

"Enterprise" goes REALLY retro.
(Robert Mueller)

Scott misunderstood PETA's slogan, thinking it was "I'd Rather Go Naked Under Fur."

Why am I on Hoth? Oh, I get it. Furry Conflict.
(Robert Mueller)

The Starfleet division of the SPCA was called in after the crew realized Porthos was missing and the captain began sporting a "natural fur" cape.
(Kathy Rose)

I thought you liked my fur, Trip.

By day he's a prat, but by night he dons his cape and becomes . . . SUPER PRAT!
(Jenni Bull)

Trip: That's it, Cap'n, that's it, hold that pout!
Archer: Trip, how come everyone else was topless?
Trip: We voted on who we wanted topless and...not so topless.

Vacuum is cold -- come prepared.
(taynaron, who wins the .Sig File Of The Week Award)

Archer: I'll have you know that for my Eagle Scout service project, I eliminated the last of San Francisco's vermin rat population.
Malcolm: Sir, I never meant to imply that skill in the textile arts was funny in any way, and...
Archer: Then I took three hundred of the pelts of the Rattus rattuses and Rattus norvegicuses, and I made this cloak, using nothing but a bone needle and a spool of dental floss.
Malcolm: Rattus rattus? Sir, you did make sure there were no fleas? Didn't you?
Malcolm: PHLOX!

Isn't Spring here YET?!!! I'm going to hunt down every last &^%$@*groundhog if it's the last thing I do!

I can't believe not one of you wants to play Arctic water polo with me.

Scott Bakula was recently spotted practicing for the part of "Hawk Man," just in case they do a Buck Rogers remake.

The Kreetassans eventually discovered that Porthos diddled on not just one, but ALL of their Alvera trees. In penance for his crimes, Archer is now required to return and conduct tribal dances every winter solstice.

After reading about the Greek story of Daedalus, Archer decides to play Icarus. Figuring that cold will counteract heat, the captain spends some time surrounding himself and his wings with ice before attempting to launch into flight close to the sun.

Hmmm, I wonder if it would look better if I held my hand here, like this? Or, oooh, maybe I should hold the sword up a bit more...I wonder if I tilted my head just so... Maybe just a bit less? No, no. Oh, there! And my hair would be better mussed. Yeah, that's good. Oh, now who's the sexy captain, hmm?... Oh, uh, hi, long have you been standing there?
(VFlick, who gets today's LMAO Award)

Archer (over comm): I was told to dress for Andoria, not Vulcan! Malcolm, what the hell's going on?
Malcolm: Subcommander, are you certain this new long-range transporter is working properly? Ambassador Soval did seem a little too eager for us to acquire the technology...
T'Pol: It is functioning perfectly, Lieutenant. But when I gave you the coordinates I changed destination. I wish the Captain to see that I am doing my best to conform to human traditions. April first is coming up and I understand from Commander Tucker that it is your custom to act somewhat... foolishly around that date.
Phlox: Well, Subcommander, you may wish to take another cue from Commander Tucker and have a "mishap" which lands you in Sickbay. I may be able to give you some refuge when the captain returns.


Well, you can tell by the way we use our genes
We're the Suliban: time-travelin' schemes
Feet are fast but brains are slow
We've been kicked around since "Broken Bow"

And now it's all right, it's okay,
While you look the other way
We will cloak our faces green
And disappear into bluescreen

Whether you're a 'Fleeter or whether you're a Praetor
You're on Enterprise, Enterprise
Feel the warp-field breakin' and Engineerin's shakin',
You're on Enterprise, Enterprise
Ah, ha, ha ha ha, Enterprise, Enterprise
Ah, ha, ha ha ha, Enterpriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise...

Well now, Silik's dead and Future Guy,
He won't talk to us -- we all wonder why
Got ugly jumpsuits, we could cope,
But then "Queer Eye" told us there's no hope

You know it's all right, it's all in fun
We'll guest-star on SG-1
Latex makes us all new men
So we'll be back to vamp again

Whether you're Orion or whether you're ship-flyin'
You're on Enterprise, Enterprise
Feel the fans a'retchin' and continuity stretchin'
You're on Enterprise, Enterprise
Ah, ha, ha ha ha, Enterprise, Enterprise
Ah, ha, ha ha ha, Enterpriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise...
(evay, with profound apologies to the Bee Gees)

Charlie's Angels 17: Charlie Scrapes the Bottom of the Barrel

"What do you mean the stuntmen for Spider-Man 3 have already been hired? We were told auditions were today!"

Blue Man Group experimented with a number of costume and makeup variations before settling on the combination which made them famous.

Offscreen Camera Guy: You actually go out in these things?
Suliban Group Leader: Well, what would you prefer? Yellow spandex?
(Robert Mueller, who wins today's X-Franchise Award)

Silik and his cohorts' chameleon abilities get stuck. Unfortunately, they were disguised in Vulcan catsuits at the time.
(Kathy Rose)

Despite steep retailer discounts, there were a large number of Suliban ornaments left over at the end of the holiday season.

We're all ready for London Fashion Week. Craggy skin is all the rage!

Sadly, the STV (Suliban Television Network) adaptation of "Charlie's Angels," despite critical acclaim, was soon canceled due to low ratings.

Suliban 1: Hi-yah!
Suliban 2: Ho!
Suliban 3: Ha!
(Even in the 22nd century, there are fans of "Kung Fu: The Legend Continues.")

In response to SciFi's innovative grass-roots marketing campaign for the new Battlestar Galactica series, UPN launched its own task force today to coerce *cough* convince new viewers to tune in to Star Trek: Enterprise.
"We've done them one better," an undisclosed UPN executive was rumored to proudly boast. "They may have feet on the street. But ours will be crawling the walls." Soon to be seen at a mall near you.

Suliban back, right: I'm not so sure about this...
Suliban back, left: Well, it may work...
Suliban, front: It has to work. "Here we come! Get us a fifth season or face the Cabal!"

Manny Coto does a little Photoshop enhancing to an old TOS ad to attract older viewers.
(keattrin, who wins today's LOL Award)

EV Suits

Trip and Chef were determined to win the three-legged race in the Second Annual Enterprise Olympics, and trained diligently no matter what the conditions.

Malcolm: Ensign, stop pulling at the back of my suit like that.
Travis: Sir, I can't help it!
Malcolm: You're making this most uncomfortable.
Travis: Like you'd notice.
Malcolm: What's that supposed to mean?
Travis: You have a wedgie all the time. Why should it be any different because you're wearing an EV suit and not a standard uniform?
Malcolm: And might I ask just how long you've been studying my arse to determine that sartorial condition?
Travis: It's nothing personal, sir. I have no lines and no real duties, so all I do is people-watch. You'd be amazed what the Captain does when he thinks nobody's looking at him.
Malcolm: I can't believe this.
Travis: I'm sorry, sir. I'll stop immediately.
Malcolm: No, I mean I can't believe I've had this treasure trove of gossip and crew information right under my nose all this time and I haven't taken advantage of it! The second Phlox releases you we're going to have a nice long talk. I want to know everything.
Travis: Yes sir!

Whaddya gonna do with a drunken sailor,
Whaddya gonna do with a drunken sailor,
Whaddya gonna do with a drunken sailor,
Ear-ly in the mor-ning?
Put 'im in the brig until 'e's sober,
Put 'im in the brig until 'e's sober,
Put 'im in the brig until 'e's sober,
Ear-ly in the mor-ning!
(evay )

Starfleet encourages diversity in its ranks. Here, the service's first set of conjoined twin officers finishes up an away mission to gather core samples from the ice formations on Permafrost VII.

Travis: I'm sooooo glad we're wearing EV suits.
Malcolm: Why's that?
Travis: You tried Chef's version of haggis before we left, didn't you?
Malcolm: Why do you ask?
Travis: Not only is your breath fogging up your faceplate, but it's eating through the glass. I'd just as soon not come into contact with the fumes, thank you.
Malcolm: How do you know it's not weapons research I'm conducting? Imagine what it could do to a hostile alien. Now hurry up. I want to get to the shuttlepod before the glass is breached and I have to hold my breath. God knows what will happen to my lungs if I have to do that.
Travis: Oh, no! You're not getting in the same shuttlepod as I am. You're walking back.
(Kathy Rose)

Trip: Cap'n, Ah'm fond of you and all, but in a three-legged race, we're supposed to be running FORWARDS.

The Interstellar Line Dancing Society scores its first -- and only -- victory.
(Robert Mueller)

Travis: No Lieutenant, that's still wrong! One two three, left forward, turn right and again.
Malcolm: That's exactly what I did, Ensign! Anyway, I still doubt that the "Snow Waltz" has to be practised in snow to learn it properly.
(Lisa Teleia)

Archer: C'mon, Trip. You know Phlox and T'Pol are gonna beat us at the three-legged relay race if we don't practice!
Trip: But why do we have to practice in EV suits and gravity boots?
Archer: Because if we practiced ON the ship, they'd know, and then they'd practice... and we'd have to practice MORE. So let's go, three more times around the pod!

Malcolm: I'm telling you, in the Andorian Shuffle, the one on the right gets to lead.
Trip: But you're doing it wrong. First we go to the right.
Malcolm: No. Left first. Definitely left.
Trip: RIGHT!
Malcolm: LEFT!
Trip: RIGHT, Dammit. And that's an order!

Trip: Ah'm telling you, it'll be fun.
Malcolm: I don't have a good feeling about this.
Trip: Let's just give it a try.
Malcolm: I'm not sure it's wise, Commander.
Trip: Let's get a running start, then we'll do it on three.
Malcolm: One, two, three, push off, or one, two, push off?
Trip: Will you stop worrying?!
Malcolm: If we make it over the shuttle, how do you know we'll come back down?
Trip: Oh, for crying out loud!

Malcolm: Ensign! You heard what the Captain said: the Vulcans are watching us. Why did you make another bloody snowman, and one with a black eye? I'm going to have to blow it up!
Travis: You certainly are not! That's not just a snowman, it's a subliminal message: either you give me more lines or that's how you'll end up!

Malcolm: Damn it, Trip, why did you volunteer us for the Annual Rigellian Three-Legged EV Suit Race?!
Trip: How was Ah supposed to know they tied the knots that tight?

Where "TripHammered" really got its name from.

Malcolm: I'm afraid your snowball fighting technique is not up to scratch, Commander. I'm sorry, but we'll have to train some more.
Trip: Aw, c'mon, Malcolm! It's Christmas! Tell you what: if you forget about it Ah'll let you off the hook and get Rostov to play Rudolph in the Christmas play.
Malcolm: Deal.

Starfleet Christmas parties gone bad.
You stat- fist.
Travis: Nah, nah, Malcolm, yoo start feerst...
Malcolm: Ol rite, oll right... *ehem!* 'On Ent'aprise th' Captin's rude, on Ent--'
Travis: Thass 'Greenseelves' inan it?
Malcolm: Yas, Travis, 'Green-- *hic* sleeves.'
Travis: -Kay.
Malcolm: 'On Enta'prise the Captin's rude, th' X O's nude, and th' Doc's tattooed! The enginee-eer is rather lewd! We air Starfleet's finest a' rovin!' --jown in nowe!
Travis: 'This, this is Enterprise! All a' this an' Hoshi's thighs! Hail, hail and hit warp Fi-iive, we'll all get ta' Risa by mornin'!'
Malcolm: Ha-haaaahahah!
Travis: Hooo, whoo! *Herk* oh god, my head...
Malcolm: A luvly sentament...

Malcolm: Do you remember Florida, Trip? It's almost spring. You told me about it once. The birds coming back from up North, your mother's catfish? You kept trying to describe your mother's catfish to me.
Trip: Ah don't think...Ah don't think Ah'll ever see home again, Mal. Ah don't think Ah can keep going.
Malcolm: Come on, Trip! We can't just stop here! I can't carry your grief, but I can carry you!
(rainwoman, celebrating the release of ROTK: EE on DVD)

Apollo: Quick! We've got to get back to the snow-ram before the Cylons spot us!
Starbuck: Buddy, you are so in the wrong franchise.

Malcolm (mumbling as he carries Trip back to the pod): Damn heavy pecan-pie-eating Yank...
(Jennifer B)

The Script Doctors part 1

The Script Doctors part 2

The Script Doctors, Classic Trek

The Script Doctors, Voyager

Every Picture Tells A Story

The Script Doctors, Battlestar Galactica 2K

Photos: Paramount,