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FreakyLinks: "Three-Thirteen"

Fade in on Our Boy surfing. (On a Mac.) Surfing for nasty things. The kind which go bump in the night. The kind which do bump, in fact, and wake up the wife. He scrambles to the bedroom, worried, but she seems to be fine. (He's wearing his shirt backwards in this scene; the tag is visible below his throat when he leans over.) He gets her a glass of water and a brief nuzzle, and asks, rather oddly, "Can you go back to sleep?" Wife assures him she can. He heads out back to the computer, but before he can settle in again he hears more bumping.

He rushes upstairs. But wife is gone. He checks the covers, checks the windows -- which are padlocked -- then rushes back out into the apartment. He looks out another window to see a shadow disappearing along a sidewalk. This bodes ill.

Frantically searching for the right key to the also padlocked door, he manages to get out and runs pell-mell after the figure. It's wife, in the community toolshed. "Vicky?" he calls. She doesn't answer. She just upends a can of gasoline on her head. (Thus rendering that nightgown permanently unusable, because she will never be able to get the stench out.) He screams her name again.

He must have managed to stop her, because next day, Vicky and (we later learn in dialogue) Ted show up at the main characters' House o' Ghostbustin' Mac-Usin' Lounge Lizards, or something, pleading for help. The lead guy, Dopey, claims he's just channeling Ken Burns, not Bill Murray, but Vicky already has the mom thing down, skillfully unleashing a devastating guilt trip: "Do you want us to end up like Heather and Mike?"

So Dopey and his cameraman Cynical take their camera to the couple's rather lovely little apartment. Ted demonstrates the multitude of locks necessary to keep Vicky inside. She explains that she hums without knowing it, and shows the stack of classical CDs she's sleep-purchased like Opus and his turnip-twaddlers. The Freakylinks team trade rolled eyes and sneering asides. (Not a professional bunch. Even if Ted and Vicky do sound a bit nuts at first.) "You ever think about returning them?" Cynical asks of the CDs. "Yeah, last week, but, um..." Ted tugs down his shirt, "Vicky stabbed me with a steak knife."

In the nursery, Ted and Vicky playfully spar over the baby's gender -- it's obviously an old debate, and he drops his head onto her much-lower shoulder in an adorable affectionate gesture. And then she starts her unconscious humming. He quietly asks her to stop. She turns away from the camera(s), embarrassed, and he takes the team into another room so she can have a spooky vision which renders her catatonic. Ted begs her desperately to snap out of it, but she's unresponsive.

The FL team call in their senior member, who's a psychologist of some sort, to talk Vicky out of it while Dopey and Cynical quietly accuse Ted and Vicky of actually being nuts. Ted, shaking with every breath, hisses that his mother died in a mental institution pumped full of drugs and that he's not abandoning his wife to that fate. He agrees to let Shrink Lady talk to his wife only if the team stays through the night to videotape Vicky's antics. Shrink Lady and Dopey think the couple is suffering from a folie à deux and could even be dangerous, but agree to monitor them overnight to see what happens.

That night, Ted is hanging out watching TV with Dopey and Cynical, trading dialogue which is probably meaningful backstory for a the regular viewer. The TV plays a particularly loud and annoying ad for a local QwikEMart, so you know it's going to mean something later. A piano abruptly starts, and Ted tears off with the other two in tow. Vicky is in the community area again, pounding away on the ivories with manic skill and glazed eyes. (The rest of the neighbors must be filing complaints about Ted running around at quarter after three every morning shouting for his wife.)

Various bits of evidence convince the team and their senior members that something wicked really does this way come, and narrow it to a young woman named Delaney Park, a musical prodigy who'd gone missing in the area a few months ago. Shrink Lady hypnotizes Vicky, who remembers picking up and befriending a hitchhiking Delaney. They BSed and griped about their men -- Vicky grumbles that Ted won't get off his ass and propose, to the mild sneers of the FL team listening to her recitation -- and Delaney revealed that she was pregnant and worried. Vicky left Delaney outside her house to fight with her boyfriend, the current suspect in her disappearance. Ted watches in distress as Vicky abruptly gasps, arches her back, rolls her eyes into her head, oops, acks, and vomits industrial oil.

In the hospital waiting room, Ted comes out, utterly distraught and in tears, reporting that Vicky is in bad shape, and the the doctors want to deliver the baby early, to "salvage... something." The team overhears the stupid QuikEMart commercial jingle again, puts the various clues together, and finds Delaney's body.

Vicky is howling on the delivery table as the team gets closer to Delaney. I've heard the phrase "rictus of grief" before, but this is the first time I've ever seen it.

The baby is born safely, but Vicky isn't pulling out of it. Dopey puts more clues together, goes back to visit Delaney's mom, and gets her to confess to whacking her own daughter. Mom does a flying Wallenda off her balcony, which satisfies Delaney's ghost so she can stop haunting poor Vicky. The happy and relieved couple, with baby Emily (as Ted predicted), send a video to the team thanking them for their help and making silly noises for the camera.