TripHammered
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THE SHORT VERSION: Paramount owns Star Trek and everything to do with it. I make no money off this site; it's just for fun. For more details, read the long version. Live long and prosper.

 
Star Trek Light Bulb Jokes

How many [insert here] does it take to change a light bulb?

Ferengi?
Six. One to sell the burnt-out light bulb, one to bribe someone else to change it, one to sell the changer the ladder, one to charge for the electricity, and two to speculate on light bulb futures.

Borg?
One unit is sufficient. Two of twelve, secondary adjunct to unimatrix 547, has been assigned to the task. Resistance to being changed is futile.

Changelings?
"Oh, sorry, that was me again, Captain. I was experimenting and I must have nodded off."

Klingons?
A true warrior can fight as well in darkness as in a fully-lit room! When our enemies flounder and reach for the broken bulb, we shall kill them where they stand!

Cardassians?
Eight. One to change the bulb, two to make it look like he was doing something else, one to provide an alibi, one to betray the other four, two to investigate the betrayal, and a simple tailor to lie about the whole operation. And of course there are several more in the woodwork, just...watching.

Vulcans?
One.

Andorians?
The Vulcans require one Vulcan to change one lightbulb? Andorians can change three lightbulbs at the same time!

Denobulans?
One to change the light bulb, plus her three husbands, plus their six additional wives, multiple in-laws, numerous children, and the Pyrithian bat.

Captains?
Captains don't change light bulbs. They delegate.

Engineers?
Six. One to change the bulb, two to discuss whether it should be converted to halogen because they're more efficient, one to fix the current socket so the wattage is increased, and one to complain to the captain about all these damn light bulbs breaking. And one to protest about the increased power -- the light bulbs, they cannae take it!

Science Officers?
Three. One to run a nanospectral analysis on the burnt-out filament, one to describe how this light bulb burnout "is like nothing we've ever seen before," and one to prevent future light bulb burnout by programing a power ratio shunting subroutine into the ship's computer. (wombat61)

Security Officers?
Nine. Two to investigate why the bulb blew, three to establish a perimeter guard, two to provide backup, one to report to the captain that the ship's light bulbs are inadequately protected from random power surges and intruders and should have reinforced shields, and one to call Engineering to send someone up to change the bulb.

Doctors?
"Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an electrician!"

Telepaths?
Three. One to sense that the light bulb has burnt out, one to say, "Arrggghh. I could ... feel it!" and one to mentally command a technician to change the bulb. (wombat61)

Admirals?
That light bulb better be changed before the admiral ever notices it was out, mister!

Redshirts?
Two. One to change the light bulb and listen while the other one is noisily killed and then eaten in the dark. (wombat61)

Pilots?
We're flying faster than the speed of light. By the time the lack of illumination catches up with us, we'll be four sectors over. And their lightbulbs work just fine.

Astrometrics Officers?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to complain about the light pollution.
(justTrip'n)

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty warps the Enterprise out of orbit.

Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be in league with the energy field which has been killing them too. Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone-crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is not a threat.

Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is convinced when Scotty fights them off, and at the last minute, he returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the light bulbs the Federation needs.

After the last commercial break, they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the starfield appears, and the episode ends. (Ahajokes.com -- I wouldn't normally lift something wholesale from someone else's site, but this was too good and too funny not to share.)