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Get Me Rewrite: The Script Doctors, Battlestar Galactica 2K

Three CylonsRebel Six: Are you sure about this?
Threena: It's the only way, Capricer.
Ghost Baltar: You know that's not her real accent.
Rebel Six: No!
Threena: I'm afraid i'tis.
Ghost Baltar: Or her real hair color.
Rebel Six: I don't know about that --
Threena: Unless you've got any better idears?
Ghost Baltar: You're not even her favorite girl.
Rebel Six: I am not going to listen to this.
Threena: We've already talked about it. This is the plan.
Ghost Baltar: Who's "we," I wonder? You certainly weren't consulted.
Rebel Six: Why wasn't I consulted about this?
Threena: Because you've got that troppo Yank yabbering in your head.
Ghost Baltar: ...wot did she just call me?!
Threena: I called you "troppo," you drongo.
Rebel Six: That's not even English. And how did you know about him?
Threena: Don't spit the dummy, Cappie. Who do you think put 'im in there?
Rebel Six: You know, I'm beginning to think you're the hallucination. At least I can understand him when he talks.
Ghost Baltar: That's the spirit, luv!

Xenannne Amanpour: So, Mister President, you've decided to rescind President Roslin's ban on all abortions?
Baltar: That would be the former President's ban, and yes, I'm revoking it as ill-considered, short-sighted, and frankly unenforceable.
Ghost Six: The world is coming to an end. -- well, again.
Baltar: I'm sorry?
Ghost Six: The amoral coward has a better political plank than the sensible leader.
Xenanne: How do you reconcile lifting the ban with the genuine need of the human race to replenish itself?
Baltar: I plan to lead by example. I have several willing, dare I say, eager young ladies awaiting me upon my return to my office, who have been moved by the spirit of patriotism to do their part in helping to restore our numbers.
Ghost Six: Remember our little chat about your heart, Gaius.
Baltar: I haven't forgotten it for a moment.
Xenanne: Forgotten what?
Baltar:, to my species. To propagate.
Xenanne: That's quite inspiring.
Baltar: You look like you've got some good genes yourself, you know. It would be a terrible pity if those marvelous cheekbones were to be lost to future generations.
Xenanne: Flatterer.
Baltar: Please -- patriot. I'm thinking only of the common good.
Ghost Six: Okay, even my skin is crawling at how evil you are.

If the Cylons roam in your neighbourhood -- who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!
If illusions strive for personhood -- who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!
If you cannot tell who's real or fake -- oh! who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!
If your President is a lying snake -- who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!
(Some crossovers are just meant to happen.)
(Robert Mueller, who wins todays ROFLMAO Award)

So, do you ladies want Chinese or Indian?

Tricia Helfer: And did you see that one fan in the '70s Cylon costume? Yeesh. We're in the new show.
James Callis: Yeah, that was just creepy. {shudders}
Lucy Lawless: You two are such wusses -- wait 'til you've seen men dressed up as Xena. THEN you can complain.

Baltar: Three Cylons walk into a bar...

Zarek and Roslin

So what if it holds 80 hours of music? You can't see the frakking screen! You should have gotten an iPod.

Zarek: That's the lamest Wolverine impression I've ever seen.
Roslin: Sorry, the Cylons wiped out my plastic surgeon before I could get the other claws implanted.

Roslin: Do you know what this is, Mister Zarek?
Zarek: Enlighten me, O prophetic one.
Roslin: It's my last nerve. And you're getting on it.
Zarek: I could try, but it looks like it'd be a short ride.
Roslin: Not as short as your walk out the airlock.
Zarek: Taking lessons from Captain Archer?
Roslin: Where do you think he learned it from?

Roslin: Just look into the little flashy thing, Mister Zarek. (ZAP) What you actually saw was a manifestation of swamp gas. There are no aliens. And you have absolutely no interest in Colonial politics. In fact, you may want to think about becoming an actor.
Zarek: ....okay, you had me until that last bit, Agent R.
Roslin: Damn. I knew I shouldn't have overplayed my hand.

Zarek: So, are we agreed?
Roslin: I don't like it, but I don't see that we have another choice.
Zarek: Just remember, it's for the good of the people.
Roslin: Fine words coming from you.
Zarek: Did you want my help or not?
Roslin: All right, all right. I'll get it onto The Weasel's desk. How did you manage to get such a powerful bomb into this pen, anyway?
Zarek: Trade secret. When he signs the next bill, Colonial One is going to be a pile of slag.
Roslin: You know, I rather like that ship.
Zarek: We all have to make sacrifices, Laura.
Roslin: That's "Madame President" to you, Councilman Zarek.
Zarek: That's "Madame Former President," to be precise.
Roslin: Once we take out that greasy bastard, who do you think is going to hold that office again?
Zarek: Are you going to offer me the number two spot this time?
Roslin: Volunteering to lose the election already? Perhaps you're more of a gentleman than I thought.
Zarek: I so enjoy these little chats we have.

Roslin: Why, you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder!
Zarek: Who's scruffy-looking?
(Robert Mueller, who wins today's Double-Barrelled Cross-Franchise Joke Award -- remember that Classic BSG was a Star Wars wannabe)

Roslin: So we're agreed. You get me some conditioner for my 'do, I give you this fine ballpoint.
Zarek: Wait a minute. The label reads "William Adama."
Roslin: That's just my, uh, pen name.
(Public Service Notice: Even the end of civilization as we know it does not justify stealing office supplies.)
(Robert Mueller)

Roslin: What were you doing with my favorite pen? Have you been stealing from the government?
Zarek: It was being oppressed. I freed it. You'll not hold my brethren hostage in your crazy dictatorship!
Roslin: ...oooookay. Less coffee for you.
Zarek: You'd deny me coffee? You're a savage! How could you even conceive of such a thing?
Roslin: I call it the Anti-Janeway Maneuver.

Roslin: See this? This is my last lipstick. It's almost gone. You want any favours from me, bud, you get me more. I can't be Presidential with chapped, pale lips.
Zarek: Aw, come on! Give a guy a break! You know how much lipstick costs on the black market?

Zarek: If you're trying to flip me off, you're not doing a very good job of it.
(Premier Blah)

The Script Doctors

The Script Doctors part 1

The Script Doctors part 2

The Script Doctors part 3

Every Picture Tells A Story

The Script Doctors, Voyager

The Script Doctors, Classic Trek

Photo: SCI-FI Channel