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Get Me Rewrite: The Script Doctors, Classic Trek


You mind tellin' me what you think you're doing, Jim?
Kirk: I was... just... examining the tribbles. For...poison. Yes. That's it.
Spock: These are stuffed tribbles.
Kirk: Stuffed with... grain! Poisoned... grain!
Spock: These are toy stuffed tribbles.
Kirk: I was wondering... why there was... so much grain left.

Confronted by his senior staff, Kirk is at last forced to admit that he keeps a secret stash of tribble pelts which he uses to make his toupées.

McCoy: Try these two on for size, Jim.
Kirk: I think the ones I've selected will do just fine, Bones.
McCoy: Those will make you at least a D-cup! Who are you tryin' to kid?
Spock: I suggest you make your selection quickly, Captain. If we are going to deceive Koloth into believing that you are a female, you will also need a change of uniform and a wig.
McCoy: And you'd better shave your legs.
Spock: And apply cosmetics.
McCoy: Heavy cosmetics. Not to mention perfume. I think Uhura said she'd lend you her "Passion-fruit Mist."
Kirk: The things I do for Starfleet...

Kirk: Okay, Bones, I've proven how many tribbles I can juggle at once. Now it's your turn.

Spock: Fascinating.
Kirk: Mr. Spock, have you finally determined why all these tribbles have attached themselves to me?
Spock: They are all female.
McCoy: Don't you ever stop?
Kirk: Doctor, I can hardly help if it I have a...magnetic personality.

McCoy: Here are the two decoys. Throw one at Sisko and one at Dax. The anesthezine should knock them out immediately.
Kirk: Excellent work, Doctor.
Spock: I find this revising of revisionist history to be somewhat disturbing.
McCoy: Wait until you see what "Enterprise" tries to do with your whole species.

Spock: Fascinating. It appears to be a superdimensional furball.
Kirk: I hate Halloween.
(Robert Mueller)

Unbeknownst to historians, the Mirror Universe denziens attempted to impersonate their counterparts on more than one occasion. Fortunately for Captain Kirk, they never got the hang of hiding their shaved-off goatees.
(Robert Mueller)

Kirk: Now we just need to find the tortoise.
Spock: Dr. McCoy, what data do we have on this specific amphibious lifeform?
McCoy: Well, the damn thing must've been here before the hair.
(Robert "the PUNisher" Mueller)

McCoy: I told you not to do it!
Kirk: Now, Bones--
McCoy: Don't you 'Now, Bones,' me! Didn't I warn you this would happen? But no, when you found out that the first Enterprise captain had a pet, you just had to get one, too.
Spock: Perhaps it would have been better if you had picked a canine companion, Captain.
Kirk: But I like cats!
McCoy: So you went and got the biggest cat you could find. And look what happens! We're up to our armpits in hairballs!
Spock: Perhaps if you ceased to feed it cheese, Captain. This ball is comprised almost entirely of cheddar.
(Kathy Rose)

McCoy: We could call them Furbies. They'll sell like hotcakes and we'll make MILLIONS!

Kirk: No. They're all mine. Mine, I tell you! Keep your hands to yourselves, all of you!

McCoy: Jim, how long did you say you've been coughing up these furballs?

Scientists agree: Early men were very, very hairy.
(Robert Mueller)

Kirk: So you don't think it's a little over the top?
McCoy: Well, you'll certainly be the center of attention.
Spock: On that point I must concur. However, Captain, I do not believe this will achieve your stated goal of making you "the belle of the ball."

Kirk: You're not going to take them away! I'm the captain of this ship, and that's an order!
McCoy: Spock! The one time I need you to tell him it's illogical, you fail me!
Spock: Because it is not illogical, Doctor. The need for affection in humans is scientifically proven.
McCoy: So is the need for the occasional kick in the --
Spock: That has not been adequately tested.
McCoy: Here's your first subject. Shall we start?

It was just as Kirk feared: once the senior staff discovered his secret stuffed animal collection, they never ceased taunting him.

McCoy: And what do you plan to do with these?
Kirk: Well, I just loved that Armani fur cape Archer wore back in the day...thought I'd ask the quartermaster to whip one up for me. Bones, there's enough here to make one for you, too.
Spock: Captain, to the best of my knowledge we have no plans to visit Rura Penthe in the near future.
Kirk: Well, you never know...stranger things have happened.
McCoy: At least it will be Klingon-repellent.
Kirk: And I won't have to wear the Captain's Girdle any more.
(xeyes, who wins today's "Yay! Someone Referenced One of My Old Jokes!" Award)

McCoy: Jim, what the heck are we going to do with all of these?
Kirk: ...I'd just picked up one or two. Thought Jon might need them.
McCoy: Huh? Who?
Kirk: You know how Phlox loves weird little animals. Jon can use them as loyalty bribes in Part II of that "mirror" story arc.
McCoy: What are you talking about?
Spock: The Captain seems to have been adversely affected by proximity to such furriness.
McCoy: Where's the Gorn when we need him?
Kirk: He's in that episode too. Haven't you been paying attention?
Spock: Captain, many of us haven't.
McCoy: Who's this "Jon" anyway? Or "Phlox"?
Kirk: Ugh, that's right. We don't know about them yet, do we?
McCoy: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a psychic.
Spock: {raises eyebrow}
Kirk: Bones, T'Pol's going to completely lose it when she sees these. You're gonna love it.
McCoy: This T'Pol...She's a Vulcan?
Kirk: Technically, yes.
McCoy: Glad the little fuzzballs are good for something...
Kirk: Wonder how Trip's going to get himself into trouble with these.
McCoy: {stares at Kirk}
Spock: {stares at Kirk}
Kirk: ...although given his track record with aliens, maybe I don't want to know. Speaking of engineers, I have this funny feeling...
McCoy: Oh no.
Kirk: ...that these tribbles are on the wrong ship. Fire up the transporter, Scotty. These need to go to the Defiant.
Scotty (off-screen): Can't I send them to the Klingons instead? They'll be no tribble at...
All: Shut up.

Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a furrier!

Captain Kirk's toupée-collecting habits were finally revealed...and later provided an explanation for why he was never level-headed near Klingons.
(Jason Argo)

Coming up in virtual season 5 of "Star Trek: Enterprise": After encountering a mysterious redheaded female admiral from the future, the NX-01 crew is sent into the past -- err, their future (Kirk's time), where they encounter a Lieutenant Benjamin Sisko. Only moments before he and Jadzia Dax enter the compartment above Kirk's head to participate in the galaxy-renowned "Tribble TOSs," Captain Archer apprehends the mysterious being only known as "Future Guy" who turns out to be a bunch of rabid tribbles which morph together to form the super-duper power-ranging Tribble monster (which is later turned into a wig for a future Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Enterprise-D).

McCoy: Jim, I got here as quickly as I could...
Kirk: It's no use, Bones, I'm stuck here. You'll have to get a new partner.
McCoy: (to Spock) Does your green-blooded logical side prevent you from doing the Andorian Shuffle?

Kirk: What do you get when you cross a Tribble with a pregnant Trip? Anyone? A Tripple! Hahaha!
Spock: That is highly nonhumorous.

Spock and crew

Spock: Through storms he crossed the Voroth Sea
To reach the clouded shores of Raal
Where old T'Para offered truth.
He travelled through the windswept hills
And crossed the barren Fire Plains
To find the silent monks of Kir.
Still unfulfilled, he journeyed home
Told stories of the lessons learned
And gained true wisdom by the giving.
Scotty: "Falor's Journey" always brings a tear to me eye.
McCoy: If he doesn't skip ahead to verse 247 I'm going to bring a tear or two to his eye.

Yeoman Mears: Well? What does it say?
McCoy: "Answer unclear...try again later."
Lt. Boma: Stupid Magic 8-Vulcan. They never give you a straight answer!
Scotty: Shake it again, Doctor, and see if comes up with the same response.

Spock: Just a moment...
McCoy: C'mon!
Spock: Doctor, there is considerable interference. I am attempting to compensate.
McCoy: Scotty, can't you do something?
Scotty: Not unless Mister Spock is willin' ta wear rabbit ears.
Spock: My ears are sufficient as they are, gentlemen.
Mears: Couldn't we have sprung for a transmitter?
Scotty: Do you know how difficult it is ta set up a transmitter on a Type 2 shuttlecraft, lassie? Mister Spock's ears are the best chance we've got.
Mears: But this is important!
Spock: I moment... yes, I have the telemetry.
Boma: And?
Spock: Mets 6, Braves 2.
{all cheer}

Scotty: Have ye been in a fight, Mr. Spock?
Spock: No, Mr. Scott --- it is a kukhu-kad.
Scotty: A what?
McCoy (whispering): A pimple.
Scotty (whispering): Oh. {louder} Ye can hardly notice it, Mr. Spock.
(Robert Mueller)

Mears: What's he doing?
Boma: What's wrong with him?
Scotty: He's been like that for days. What is it, Doctor?
McCoy: It's that blasted Battlestar Galactica season premiere. No one knows for sure exactly when it's going to be broadcast out here, and he doesn't want to miss a minute.

One of the crew's favorite pastimes was to listen to one of Spock's many harrowing tales of love vs. logic. Of course, this pastime was quickly abandoned with the introduction of the holodeck.

Scotty: What d'ye mean, your hair isn't naturally black?
Spock: Well....
Mears: You mean that we all dyed our hair black for NOTHING?
Spock: When the Captain suggested that you should consider me to be a good example to follow, I am certain he did not mean for you to copy me in every literal detail.
McCoy: And you tell me that AFTER I already reworked my eyebrows....!
(Lisa B)

For his master work submission to the Russian Academy of Fine Art, Pavel Chekov presented this painting: "The Adoration of the Vulcan Adonais."

Spock: It was the night prior to the Terran winter holiday celebrated in the Christian religion as "Christmas," and throughout the domicile all living beings were reposing, including the vermin.
Scotty: Mister Spock, it's much appreciated, but perhaps ye'd better let me tell this one.
McCoy: Scotty, in your version Santa leaves scotch and haggis in the stockings.
Scotty: Aye, and what finer gifts could a man receive?
Mears: Can we hear "Chanukah at Bubbe's" instead?
(poohka and evay)

A train leaves Chicago at 0800 travelling 72 kilometers per hour. Another train leaves New York at 0830...

Spock (singing): Please tell me who I am...
Scotty: I cannae believe it. Supertramp?
McCoy: Devil's ears, angel's voice. Who'd have figured?
(Robert Mueller)

I've never seen a Vulcan wear an earring.....

To the awe of his crewmates, Spock channels Surak and Archer simultaneously.

"Well, I'll tell you..."
{Cue music.}
" He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!....."

Bones: How long has he been this way?
Scotty: He has'na moved a muscle for over four hours, Doctor!
Bones: Was TATV that bad??
Spock (slowly): It was....appalling.

Spock had never regretted his brief stint as a singer that much, until the first time his crewmates saw the "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" video.

Scotty: I dinnae believe it.
McCoy: It's possible -- Vulcans do have eidetic memories.
Scotty: Prove it!
Spock: Very well. Choose a book and a page.
Mears: Half-Blood Prince, page, uh, 391!
Spock: "Harry tapped the map with his wand, muttered, 'Mischief managed,' though it hadn't been, and got dressed, thinking hard."
McCoy: Well, I'll be damned.
Boma: He really did memorize all seven books!
Spock: They are literary classics, Doctor. It is only logical I should be familiar with them.

McCoy: How can you be so damned cold about it?
Spock: A watched Vulcan never boils, Doctor.
(Robert Mueller)

Mears: Mr. Spock? Mr. Spock?
McCoy: The Vulcan can not hear the Vulcaner.
Boma: We should come again later.
Scotty: Aye! I could use an ale, an' happy hour's come 'round at last!
McCoy: Just make sure there's enough Yeats in it.
(Robert Mueller, who gets bonus points for the excellent literary allusion)

Spock, having grown tired of the time wasted in the weekly staring contests, had secretly replaced himself with a wax sculpture.
No one noticed.

And the beginning of round #575 of the Inter-Planetary Staring Contest begins... NOW!

En garde!Sulu: I'll save you, fair maiden!
Uhura: Sorry, neither!
Sulu: I can't believe that just got past the censors.
Uhura: They're not good with wordplay.
Sulu: You'll notice that my navel is safely covered, though.
Uhura: Just like Barbara Eden's.

Dominic Keating: But George got to swing that epée around in their "Naked" episode! Why can't we have a broadsword fight in the halls?
Director Patrick Norris: Because it was only an epée. Even Patrick Stewart only got to use an epée. No broadswords.
Keating: I'll hire a trainer and pay for him myself.
Norris: No.
Keating: Pot-metal blades. Or painted wood.
Norris: No.
Keating: What if we rang up Peter Jackson's stunt coordinators?
Norris: Dominic! You have your alert system to obsess over and Connor has the chair. You're not having a sword fight and that's final.
Keating: You Yanks are no bloody fun a'tall.

The grill's fired up! Who wants shishkabobs?

After unwittingly starting a new exercise craze, Sulu decided to capitalize on his sudden popularity and made several aerobics tapes in his off-duty hours. The "Fencing For Fitness" program turned out to have surprising benefits for his reputation, since there were few enemies foolish enough to take on the pilot-captain who could fly circles around you, score on you in three strokes, and had fantastic abs to boot.

Why yes, Captain, I do use depilatory -- and it comes in this handy sword-shaped roll-on!

Enterprise is currently holding auditions for the role of Peter Pan in its annual production. The role of Captain Hook has already been filled by Mr. Spock.

Sulu never liked this picture -- it made his hobby look pointless.
(Robert Mueller)

Sulu: You fight like a dairy farmer!
Guybrush Threepwood: How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
(Robert Mueller, who says it's from Monkey Island 5 -- Captain Simian's Journey)

After watching the "Mirror Universe" episodes, Sulu decides on a more direct route to the captaincy.

After one too many slights from Bill, George all too gladly decides to give him what for.

The Script Doctors

The Script Doctors part 1

The Script Doctors part 2

The Script Doctors part 3

Every Picture Tells A Story

The Script Doctors, Voyager

The Script Doctors, Battlestar Galactica 2K

Photos:, Paramount